Lost in a Crimson Dream
by Dreams of
Summary: Zexion has been having dreams for months. He cuts to punish who he really is. His only other escape is sketching which he can't seem to do either. Then he gets transfered to room with Demyx and the dreams seem more serious...
1. Prologue

A note to you: This is in loving memory to my best friend, who is still alive. I doubt she'll enjoy reading as much as I enjoy writing it. I've worked hard on it so far, and I admit (I have 3 chapters written so far) that it seems a little bit rushed, but I'm one of those people who is afraid of being bored. So I fast forward through all the boring parts of whatever and if you look at the time that passes, a lot does.

Pairings: Demyx Zexion, Riku Sora, Axle Roxas, and that's all so far.

Warnings: Yaoi of course, don't like it, go away. Um... foul language (as is expected in anything I write), some sexual stuff (nothing past pg-14 I think...) I might write a lemon later, but the chapter will be marked, and it will be unimportant to the story so people an skip over it. There's cutting, suicidal stuff... angst... and I can't think of anything else.

Disclaimer: I do not own the characters, or the poems and lyrics I use. The owners of those are mentioned around the area of said poem/lyric.

Prologue:

Slowly a blonde boy of about seventeen brought his guitar into his lap, his hands smoothing over it lovingly. He really did love the instrument, it was his escape, an outlet from the world and the damned boarding school where he spent everyday of his life. It wasn't really a "school" anyways… no, it was more of a specialty facility. This one housing males grade 9-12. All in one neat combo, the students got school lessons, medical facilities, detention centers (usually referred to as the hole, or solitary confinement), and shops of some sorts. They also had an array of activity rooms, some with televisions and video games, others dedicated to board games, some just for sitting. Then there was the garden. All of these allowed use during the vacation times, weekends and when the student was not occupied with other responsibilities. Then of course, was the dorms of students, and lastly, the labs. Shinning white rooms with glinting medical tools, the labs were full of technicians, and all of those techs wore white coats, blue gloves, and those face masks with their hair tied into caps. They looked like aliens, no feeling, cold like the metal.

A knock on his door beckoned him from gazing at his guitar though. He peered up at the door, his deep blue eyes searching it for a minute, watching it expectantly, a strand of his blonde hair falling in front of his eyes as the door opened. He first noticed the taller boy, wearing almost the same exact outfit as all of their friends, the blonde including, wore. It was a form fitting black shirt, over dark jeans. His hair though, was nothing normal. It was slicked back in vibrant fire-red spikes.

"Hey Ax, what's-" He fell short, finally seeing full on the other boy after Axle walked into the room completely. The blonde looked a little shocked, his mind reeling, his pupils dilating in seconds, and his breathing stopped momentarily. Then he came to again, looking astonished at the slate-purple haired boy who was, by now, unpacking three books, a brush, and small toiletries. Then he kicked his bag under the bed opposite The blonde's.

"Everything's fine with me. What about you Demyx?" Axle beckoned his attention, while shutting the door and turning back to his friend, already starting towards him.

"Did you… do you know?" He asked softly as Axle plopped down on the bed beside him.

"I'll explain later." He said in a hushed voice, then louder he continued. "So, this is your new roommate, Zexion." The redhead began. "I believe Xemnas decided you needed a new roomy."

Demyx watched as Zexion ignored them and sat down on the bed, moving so the wall was against his back, he was sitting cross-legged with a black sketchbook in his lap, the blank page staring at him. Slowly The blonde got up, moving towards him, he leaned down, so they were just about face to face, the slate-haired male didn't even look up.

"Zexion?" He beckoned softly, as if pained. The boy sitting down, didn't even react in any way. An odd mellow anger embedded itself deep inside of Demyx's chest, but the rest of him held another feeling at this particular moment…

Axle clicked his tongue softly in warning, the blonde understood this immediately.

"My name's Demyx, it's nice to… meet you." He finished, his voice still barely above a whisper, and yet, he didn't get a response or even acknowledgement. He chewed on his lip and stood up all the wall, going back to the other side of the room. He grabbed his guitar and looked at Axle for help. The redhead just smiled at him and leaned down, across the bed so he was laying down, his lower legs flopped off the side comfortably.

"George got stung by a bee and said 'I wouldn't have got stung if I had stayed in bed.' Fred got stung and we heard him roar, 'What am I being punished for?' Lew got stung and we heard him say 'I learned somethin' about bees today." He recited slowly. The guitarist looked down and just plucked a few strings before sighing.

"I should have known you'd chose that one. Though you could have quoted Fannie Heaslip Lea, with that poem…" He searched his mind for the name, not recalling it right away.

"That 'The Dead Faith' one? Yeah, I _could_ have, but only two lines really fit perfectly, but I was going for more of a 'learning' type of poem or quote." Axle mused to the ceiling.

"Why Silverstein?" Demyx wondered. Shel Silverstein wrote mainly for kids.

"Keeps tone light, and I like him." Axle shrugged.

"So much you could have said.. And yet you chose to encourage me." Demyx shook his head and the redhead sat up.

"Hey, don't be like that, see, you're acting like George and Fred. Were you _supposed_ to stay in bed? Do you think everything being stacked this way is a _punishment_? Or do you want to grow some balls and start over, _learning_ from last time?" He pushed Demyx hard in the chest with two fingers and got up, leaving the blonde stunned in his wake, while Zexion didn't look up, yet had been listening to every word, not really understanding what they were talking about thought. Before Axle left completely, and shut the door, he smiled sadly at the guitarist.

"The less you ask the less you are denied." He paraphrased, then continued with his own words. "But how will you know for sure you'd be denied in the first place… if you never ask anyways." Then he was gone and Demyx looked to the only other person in the room. A pang of hurt shot through him, but he looked down at his guitar and began plucking at the strings again.

"So he did quote that poem… dead faith…"He rolled his eyes, but smiled.

Alright, that's the first one. Please review, I love all kinds so long as you don't just say "You suck". I want to better my writing and I hope you take that seriously.

Thankyou for reading!

Untill next time!


	2. Chapter One

A note: Chapter one! Yay! So, not much to say on this, I'm uploading right away, so no thanks to give to those people who might have replied if I had waited.

Warnings: Same as last chapter.

Disclaimer: Still don't own any of the characters poems and lyrics. Plot is mine.

Chapter one:

I ignored him for a while, but when he started playing, my concentration strayed. He had his eyes closed, and was swaying slightly to the light acoustics. An instant dislike settled over me. Who did he think he was? What _right_ did _he have_, to look like what he did, and create the soft, sweet music that he did? It was entrancing, it _made_ me watch him. What right did he have to force me to realize yet again how sick I was, how disgusting? It was _not _his place. Not at all.

The tune changed suddenly and it broke the trance I had been in. My eyes focused and met his darker blue ones, I glared deeply at him, as my stomach flopped and anger forced its way through me. It wasn't natural to hate someone this much after just meeting them. He smiled at me, and I gritted my teeth, closing my sketch book sourly. Who was he to smile like that at me? I grabbed my small red book and stormed out of the room, across the hall and into the bathroom. I was grateful his room was one of the more deserted parts of the dorms. It meant no one would be in the bathroom.

Upon entering I looked in the mirror. Was that really me? My hair was disheveled, and slightly frizzy. My skin was ghostly against the black of my long sleeved shirt. I looked into my own eyes for a minute before sighing. I couldn't do it right now. That was apparent. I didn't _give in_ to the craving unless there was a need. There was no need right now, only an intangible want for the sweet kiss of metal. The caress of my razor shards… I wanted them, but why? Either way, I knew I didn't deserve a release. What had I done to deserve one? Nothing. There was nothing I had done to deserve a punishment either… I had no excuse. Even more so, it was vacation, I couldn't claim that the techs had mistreated me. I had no new markings on my body, no beatings… no reason at all, to try to say I was taking revenge on someone by hurting myself. All there was, was Demyx's smile hovering through my mind. That did not make me worthy enough for it. I asked myself again, why did I have this desire?

I didn't bother answering though, just stalking out of the bathroom, and down a few hallways until I arrived in the garden. It was more of a courtyard anyways, I decided in my mind. Why everyone called it the garden was beyond me. Perhaps they thought it was more of a garden because it had more flowers and other plants than a normal courtyard… maybe I was just wrong. I was always wrong. Who, besides me, would be confused as to the differences and qualifications between a garden or a courtyard? I was pathetic. Hopeless.

I let myself collapse onto a patch of grass, and allowed myself to lie down, looking at the sky. It was filtering out the light, last swirls of color only cut by the brightest of the stars, and the moons, all looking down on me. I noticed somewhat lazily, that I wasn't looking at them anymore, I was falling and falling into blackness, until it was disturbed by a blinding scene of light.

_I was alone. Yet… I wasn't. My dream self seemed not to notice, or care, that someone was watching, because we just stared up at the clouds. This wasn't one of those out of body dreams either, I was inside my own head in this one. Yet it wasn't me. There was a separate trail of thoughts in my head, I could hear it. I was wondering when they would be done. Or at least my dream half was. I wanted to know who, they were. _

"_Are you ready?" We asked, not changing where we were looking. No response greeted us, and the thought that they were ready, echoed through me. "I'm coming then." We stood up slowly and he led me off in the direction we could feel the eyes coming from. The smallest of smiles playing on my dream self's lips. _

"_What do I get if I win?" He asked whoever we were looking for. He brought us between two trees, first glancing to the left, and then our head turned to the right, but there was a small rustle of movements and he closed our eyes. Someone's lips were on his, I could feel my own tingling, and both my dream self and I seemed to melt a little bit. Then he lost all real thought, his breathing changing as the other person rested a hand on the small of our back, and the other hand played in our hair, before the other person pulled me closer to him, our chest pressed. That's when the real difference between my dream self and I began. I tried to pull back, but I had no power over this. I should have known this dream was too good to be true… He deepened the kiss with me, and I wanted to scream at him, tell him to go away, but my dream self, sighed, and I knew he wanted more, he didn't want the kiss to end. He held onto the other's shoulders tightly, his hands pulling on the fabric slightly. I could feel the love flowing all around me, the trust, and happiness. It made me feel isolated in this dream. I was cold and neither my dream self or the other boy noticed. They just kept on kissing. I could smell everything, the light cologne of the other boy, the feel of his warmth, the breeze, there were birds chirping, the sun falling upon up through the trees… _

_The he pulled back, and my dream self smiled, still not opening his eyes all the way. Just enough so he could look at the other's eyes, a beautiful blue. I couldn't help but feel like they were familiar. _

"_Is that a good prize?" He asked, his voice familiar too, but it was slightly husky, and I wasn't sure… My dream self shook his head. _

"_Not even close," He leaned up, closing our eyes, and pressing our lips to his again. The taller boy let the hand that had been in my hair, fall to my back, holding us together like we didn't have much time, and it was the end of the world… The thoughts repeating again, surrounding me, about how much he loved the other boy, how much the other meant to him. I felt sick._

Things went black again, and I flew forward, my eyes wide. This was reason enough to tear apart my arms and feel the burning of the slices. My breathing was erratic, I couldn't stop my heart from pounding. I hated those dreams. I despised them with all my being. They were too real… a lot of them showing me things I didn't want to see, like that last one. I shouldn't want to kiss a boy, it was wrong, disgusting. It was sickening…

Carefully, I got up, still not calmed, but I clutched my red book to my chest, and went back to the bathroom closest to my room. Once the door was shut, I slipped into a stall and opened the book to a page with a small razor embedded into the binding there. I smiled softly at the poem.

"There are some qualities, some incorporate things that have a double life, which thus is made a type of the twin entity which springs from matter and light, evinced in solid and shade. There is a two fold _Silence_ -sea and shore- body and soul…" I stopped, placing the book on the floor before me. I loved that poem, and I hated it all the same. Mr. Poe was a genius, but I doubted his poem, entitled silence, referred to being gay… I knew it didn't… but I'd never read the full poem, because I could pretend it was about my double life, double entity… or whatever I wished to call it. I pushed up my sleeve and looked at the array of cuts, most fitting into a barcode type design that was on the upper part of my forearm. Slowly, I pressed the metal to my skin, and agonizingly slowly I pulled it across, before releasing it. Blood swelled in small drops before flowing down the palest parts of my skin, and splattering into the water of the toilet. I shivered a bit, it was an odd feeling for me, to watch small bits of my life pouring away, the warmth flowing down, making my skin hot… I cut again and again, until my arm was almost covered in the liquid. Then I took a deep breath, wiping it with a paper towel, and looking at the crimson water inside the toilet bowl. I dropped in the soaked rag and picked up the book, tucking the razor away in it. I waited for them to stop bleeding. This took twenty minutes about, and even after I flushed the blood away and I exited the bathroom stall, a few of the deeper ones were still dribbling. I didn't look around, just went to the sink, the cold water immediately flowing over my red flesh. I shivered as it turned like ice on the heated area.

I could feel eyes on me, I looked up in the reflection and saw a somewhat tall, silver-haired boy watching me. I stared in horror and shock, paralyzed. He was leaning against the wall, his arms crossed over his chest, a black wife beater showing his muscles. I admitted to myself I was afraid. What's a skinny little fag supposed to do against a taller, muscled person? He pushed off against the wall and walked over to me, looking at the cuts, then at my eyes in the mirror.

"Is that a hobby of yours?" He taunted and I felt anger rise within me.

"Is it a hobby of yours to wait around in the bathroom?" I growled at him stupidly. He just smiled.

"No, only when I hear people reciting poems about their double lives." He was clearly pleased with himself.

"It's not mine. It's by Edgar Allen Poe."

"I know. But you only read half, and you were using it as your bible for cutting it seems." He indicated the marks. "Do they hurt?" He asked with a laugh.

"Go fuck yourself." I hissed and he laughed some more before leaving the room. I exhaled a deep breath and turned off the water. I could feel the things inside me breaking, but I wouldn't cry. I closed my eyes tightly and focused on my breathing, pulling down my sleeve not even bothering to dry off my arm. I took a few more deep breaths. About five or ten minutes later, I wandered back into the dorm room I shared with Demyx.

A different soft melody than before played, but I refused to look at him, though he was clearly watching me. I hid my red bound book under my pillow and curled under the covers, hugging myself into a ball, allowing myself to once again fall into a slumber, this one only black, no vivid dreams to haunt me this time…

The morning came faster than I had hoped, I yawned a bit and blinked a few times, clearing the sleep from my eyes. I started to panic, not remembering where I was, my heart sped up again, but then I saw Demyx's sleeping form, and I sighed, sitting up and relaxing. I had forgotten the techs had changed my room…

My eyes wandered over his bed lazily, I was still half asleep, even through the jolt that an immediate panic had given me. His guitar was leaned against his bed, his hand draped close to it, as if he wanted contact with it so he could feel better… I let my feelings of resentment and hate fester and bubble within my chest as I woke up fully. Something, I felt, was wrong though. I realized this while watching the slight movement of the strands of hair over his face, the way the fluttered just a bit as he breathed, the rise and fall of his strong looking chest… but he seemed to be glowing in the soft lamplight. It was, I noticed, beautiful… he was, there was an undeniable attraction to him, more than anyone else I had even seem… I could feel my heart beating violently within my chest, as I realized, I desired him. But I brushed it off as my flaw, my sickness… the world, I knew, would be better off if I was dead, so that I wouldn't pollute it with my perverse thoughts… And all those dreams of kissing boys with blue eyes like the ocean, and voices like-

Demyx rolled stirred a little and stretched sighing, his eyes opening, immediately looking at me. He smiled kindly.

"Good morning Zexion." My heart stopped. Voices like that, eyes like his…it made sense in that moment, and I wished I had cut more last night, deeper, longer, I needed more punishment for this. I needed something desperately. My look must have been terrible because he sat up quickly and started towards me. I grabbed the book under my pillow and half ran out of the room. He grabbed my wrist before I could get the door open. I bit my lip hard. This couldn't be happening… this wasn't allowed to happen. I hated him, I didn't know why, but I hated him. I wanted him, I didn't know why but I needed him. I could feel myself crumbling even more. How would I explain any of this even to myself later on?

"Zexion," He said my name in an odd way. It made me sick, it was like my name was special… but I looked at him, my features unmasked. I was scared, and when he realized this, he let go of my wrist. I wished I had cut there last night so I could have felt some pain when he grabbed the skin, but there was nothing. I swallowed, I didn't want to be here. I wanted to run away and leave this room, I wanted a release, there were foreign thoughts in my head, all through my body…

"Zexion, I'm not going to hurt you. What's wrong, you look like I just held you at gun point." I wished he had, but he laughed, obviously trying to make me laugh. I looked away, I felt like I had to throw up… I could actually feel the bile rising.

"I'm gonna be sick," I said in a quick whisper before opening the door quickly and running to the bathroom, collapsing in the same stall I had been in last night. I choked and coughed on my own acids. I wiped my mouth and ignored the burn in my nostrils, wiping cold sweat from my forehead. Two weeks left of our vacation time… and I was stuck with a room mate I hated, but wanted all the same, and I was going to end up being sick a lot, I supposed. I heard him open the door and I sighed into the bowl, flushing and resting my head against the cool metal of the walls in the stall.

"Zexion, are you okay?" He asked me softly, I could hear his breathing from right behind me. I laughed bitterly. And closed my eyes.

"Go fuck off, won't you?" I growled at him, my throat aching. He hesitated before kneeling behind me. And rubbing my back.

"No."

I turned and looked at him oddly. What did he think he was doing? My look quickly turned to a glare, and I punched him hard in the mouth. He was knocked off balance a bit, and held his lip, it was bleeding now, where it had hit his teeth, happily, I noticed my hand was hurt as well.

"I said, fuck off."

He sighed, shooting me one last regretful look before turning away and leaving me alone. I smiled, and close the stalls door, taking the small red book in my hand once again.

Thanks again for reading. Please tell me what you think.

The next chapter will be longer, I haven't finished typing it yet. I hopefully will soon. (computer problems and I've actually gotten out of the house! I never go out with friends so I gave up my typing time last night to see Hancock. I'm seeing Wall-E tonight!!)


	3. Chapter Two

Sorry it took so long!!!!!!!!!!

Um……. Not much of an intro.

The story is moving faster than I wanted but whatever. I have a few things for the next few chapters to slow it down, or make it faster. Haha.

Enjoy!

Oh, usual disclaimers/warnings and stuff.

Chapter 2: Zexion

I returned to the room in two hours, and he wasn't there. I felt dizzy and weak. I've always known my limits, and I had crossed them. But I deserved all of it. I had lost a great deal of blood, and I was more ghostly in appearance than before. My eyes were glassy and sharp, but in a lethargic sort of way. I let myself fall into the comforts of my bed, an arm draped over the side as I closed my eyes.

_The darkness was all around me, pressing down on my small and broken feeling frame. My whole being was weak, sleep having eluded me, starvation clawing out my insides, but it didn't matter anymore. None of it mattered. I was so close to death I could feel it. Even through the hazy indifference to my condition, I felt the fear that screamed at me, making me shake all over, but I blamed that on the cold. If I could see anything at all, I would be able to see my breath and tell if I was still alive. _

_"Zexion," Came a voice my dream self knew well, but I found barely familiar. An arm draped itself over my stomach as the man pulled me closer. I clenched my eyes closed painfully as he began to kiss me. He shifted our positions, leaving me under him, his hands working at the hem of my shirt, pulling it up over my head, only breaking the kiss for a minute. Tears streamed out of the corner of my eyes. _

_"Demyx…"? I whispered wishing the blonde guitarist would come and save me… but I knew it was useless. _

_"Don't fret my little boy," his voice was harsh in my ears as his hands began to undo my pants. I swallowed hard, choking on more tears. He made a 'Shh' sound, and chuckled. "You're in good hands now." He laughed again, kissing my neck, his hands slithering over my hips. _

_I cried out for Demyx again, louder this time, and was greeted with a slap across the face._

_"He doesn't want you anymore you piece of shit!" But I knew it was a lie, I trusted my guitarist. _

I don't think I really knew hate until I felt the emotion pouring through me during that deep… I realized I was still exhausted though. Those dreams never let me rest, it was like I was running around in my sleep… they made me even more tire than I already was. I hadn't even had the energy this time to decipher the difference between my thoughts and those of my dream self's. I woke up anyways though, looking around the room slowly. My eyes hovering on Demyx's sleeping face, he was leaning against the wall, in the corner of his bed, and Axle was lying across the main part of it, looking at the ceiling. I sat up and he looked over at me. I ignored him and started reaching for my sketchbook.

"You were calling his name in your sleep." He said, making me stop and look at him. I opened my mouth to snap something, but the look of sadness on his face made me hesitate.

"And you were crying…" Axle watched me still, his expression the same. "You shouldn't lock yourself away like this. It isn't right."

"How would you know?" I seethed at him, picking up my sketchbook finally, and he smiled sorrowfully at me, before looking back at the ceiling.

"I've been where you are. It gets lonely… aren't you tired of shutting out the world?"

I scoffed at his words, but I knew they were true. I was lonely, I was sick and cold. But that's what I deserved.

"I talked to Riku…" He began.

"Good for you." I pulled out a pencil and began trying to sketch something… I'd been having problems since these dreams started a few months ago.

"He's got silver hair, green eyes-" My blood ran cold. I remembered him from the first time I had cut after being transferred to Demyx's room… "He said you two spoke."

"I don't know what you're talking about." He looked at me though and sighed, he knew I was lying. The redhead relaxed again and closed his eyes, allowing a light slumber to befall him. I erased what I had been drawing and looked up at them. Without another thought, I began to sketch them, and when I had finished, I was surprised at how good it came out. I decided it was because the tension between them and myself. I flipped the page, and watched Demyx. I subconsciously traced his features with my mind, and then, brought them down on paper through my pencil. I inspected his eyes, his cheeks, his ears… his lips…

When I had finished that one I just closed the book and left the room. I wandered around the halls, my mind going over the last dream… I shivered repulsed by the thought of it. So I instead thought about what Axel had basically hinted he knew before he fell asleep, and what happened between Demyx and me before I basically passed out. I sighed angrily and leaned against the wall, pulling on my soft slate-purple locks. I wanted another release. Everything was happening to fast. These overwhelming feelings were screaming at me. I didn't know who I was, or what I felt anymore. I was torn between this passion that I could always feel deep inside me from my dream self, and then the fear and hate that I knew had been my own feelings. I didn't like that I sensed something different every two seconds about people. I despised the fact that I had lost my sense of self. I pushed away from the wall, and crossed my arms angrily over my chest. I spent a few more hours wandering around the halls until I finally wandered back to the room I had been assigned. Demyx wasn't there, and neither was Axel. I curled back into my bed, not having gotten rested at all earlier, and I fell back asleep.

A week passed agonizingly slowly. An odd normality spread over Demyx Axel and me. I kept having the same dreams as before, but not the one about the dark. I knew they just repeated sometimes because I'd been having unimportant ones for a few months before I even met Demyx. He just seemed to bring on more emotional ones. On top of the absence of new dreams, Demyx and I fell into a schedule. I would leave the room before he woke up. I'd shower alone, eat alone, and then when I returned to the room, he was just stirring. Axel would come and they'd leave to shower and eat I assumed. While they were gone, I'd read or try to draw before giving up, and sometimes I would just lay there thinking. When Demyx would come back, I'd leave the room, either spending a few private moments in the bathroom with my red bound book, or I'd nap in the garden type courtyard. Dinner would come, and I'd sit alone, not needing to eat with anyone. When I would finally return to the room Demyx would already be there, fiddling with some song on his guitar. He tried conversation everyday, but he gave up after I brushed him off a few times. Every now and then Axel would drop by, and they'd talk amongst themselves, looking at me every so often, but I gave no sign that I was listening.

Then, one morning, I had the dream about the oppressive dark and the man that undressed me, this time, the dream went further, it dived full force into what had only been hinted at before. I cried out again, and called Demyx in the dream over and over again as the man violated me, taking all that I had left. I tried fighting but I was weak with hunger and exhaustion. My throat was dry and I wondered where I was getting all this water to cry.

I could feel someone shaking me. I opened my eyes for a second, but I couldn't see from them anyways, they were filled with tears. I shut them again, my hands covering my face as I sobbed, shaking all over. It was the absolute ugliest sound I had ever heard, but I didn't care. I could still feel his rough grabs and touches. I could still taste him in my mouth. I wanted to throw up. Disgust swelled up inside of me, and became overwhelming. I wanted to cut so badly. I wanted a release from this, but there were arms around me and I couldn't bring myself to move out of them. The other person held me tightly, stroking my hair gently.

"Shh, it's okay. You're alright, everything's gonna be alright," He whispered, and by the sound of the voice, I guessed it was Demyx. He sounded like he had just woken up too. He continued brushing his hand through my hair and holding me until I calmed down, and even after. He wiped my face when I let my hands drop. I felt safe and comfortable, but I wanted my razors. I needed release, and yet, I didn't want to get up.

"What happened?" He asked softly, his breath tickled against my ear.

"Nothing," I said blankly.

"Zexion, don't give me that shit." I looked at him; he had never challenged anything I had said before. He always left the things as they were. "You're fucking calling my name in your sleep while crying, I wake you up, and you sit here sobbing for a half hour, it takes you a full fifteen minutes to calm down, and you have the nerve to tell me nothing happened?" He said calmly but with obvious vehemence, he was glaring, and that made me shrink away in fear. He had never glared at me before. I didn't like the way it made me feel… I wrapped my arms around myself, and he sighed angrily, looking away.

"I'm worried Zexion." He explained in a whisper. The sound of my name in the sorrowful tone he used made me shiver a little. I didn't like the way he said it…

"Why?" I asked suspiciously. He looked at me again, his features etched with pain, and hurt. He looked over my face with his sad, sorry eyes, and he pulled me close again, like me might kiss me, but he closed his eyes and hugged me before laying us down slowly. His arms still securely around me.

"Because I am." He whispered still.

"But why?" I asked, trying to sit up. He held me down, making me look at him in frustration. "Let me-" I didn't finish. He was looking at me oddly. My pulse sped up, and I swallowed nervously. But he closed his eyes again.

"Go to sleep, they can't hurt you now." He said quietly while I just watched him. The weird look that he had given me a minute previous, etched in my mind.

"Demyx?" I beckoned softly, his eyes opening slowly, a smile on his lips.

"Zexion." There it was. My name, the way he said it made it seem special… it made me seem special, but I banished those thoughts.

"I…" I looked away from his face. I had nothing I wanted to say. I had just wanted him to look at me again; I wanted to look at him. I didn't want him to stop talking. I cursed myself slightly. I shouldn't have said anything to him. He moved a little, the arm that was around my frame moved, his hand cupping my face, bringing it up to meet his. Our lips pressed gently and I pulled back violently. I was a bit surprised he had let me, but I didn't complain. I looked at him; he was blushed a bit and looked down. I watched him for a few minutes. He looked ashamed, as if he hadn't meant to do that.

"What was that for?" My voice was harsh, as if scared or angry, and in reality I didn't know what I was feeling. Maybe I was scared, he was stronger than me, and he had just kissed me… what if this turned into a repeat of my dream? But, he had let me pull back… all of this wasn't making sense. Confusion always brought on the longing for my blade, and this was no exception. It didn't help mush that I couldn't concentrate because half of me wanted to reach up and kiss him, and the other half just wanted to crumble into tears again.

"I care about you," He answered me finally, looking back up. I felt my stomach start flopping.

"No you don't." I shook my head, sitting up. He followed suit, looking sadly at me. I hated that expression. I hated that I was hurting him right now. Why did I feel this way? I wasn't supposed to feel bad! He had just kissed me. I wasn't supposed to care if he was upset that I wasn't happy about it. But a part of me was, and I hated that I didn't know which side to listen to.

"I do."

"No!" I said frustrated with my own internal argument and the one I was having with him. "No one cares about me, and that's how it's supposed to stay!" I shook my head furiously, trying to make the bickering of emotions inside of shut up. I pulled on my hair. I hated this feeling of being completely torn and having such powerful feelings. He started pulling me towards him but I shook my head even more, pushing him away. "No! Don't touch me!" He listened but he didn't move off my bed. I calmed myself down slowly and peered around the bed in search of my red book. I looked under the pillow, it wasn't there, I moved all the way to the bottom of the bed so I wouldn't have to climb over him to get off the bed. I hopped off and started searching the ground all around it. I sighed in relief as my fingers closed around it. He was watching me, but I didn't care, I just darted out of the room and into my stall of the bathroom. I tore my arm up hurriedly, the book forgotten on the floor. I had what I needed from it. Each slice burnt and stung more and more as I did them faster, pressing the blade harder each time. I hadn't even read the poem. This time it was just desperation. I needed this to clear my thoughts and give me renewed direction. But, I didn't even know my direction. As I looked at all the blood dribbling into the toilet, fear spread through me. I had done too much, I hadn't paid attention, and by the time they all stopped bleeding I'd be unconscious or close to it.

"Shit," I whispered to myself, my breathing heavier, a cold sort of sheen on my forehead. I was beginning to feel sick, and I was starting to panic.

"Zexion?" The guitarist's voice came into the room. I kept quiet hoping he would go away. "I can see your feet." He told me and I involuntarily curled my toes and shifted a little feeling awkward. I closed my eyes for a second, trying to breath. When I opened them, I pulled out some toilet paper quickly and began mopping up my arm. It sort of worked… I quickly returned my razor to its book and put the book on the back of the toilet, wiping my arm once again. The flush was loud, and made me panic even more. I pulled down my sleeve and opened the stall door, clutching the end of my sleeve in the palm of my hand so no blood would easily drip past it unless the shirt was saturated… and that was happening quickly.

"Go away." I said coldly. I needed to get to the garden if he wouldn't leave me alone. I could take care of everything there. The garden was safe, I could sleep there and it wouldn't really matter much.

"No, I want to help you Zexion!" He pleaded desperately, but I was trying to move past him, I got to the door finally, and he grabbed my left wrist. I gasped as pain shot through my arm, but I yanked the arms back quickly, clutching it to my chest as he stare in horror at his now crimson hand. "Zexion!" I closed my eyes at my name and ran out into the hall. I needed to get away. I felt sick again. I ran around a corner, and was knocked backwards, both of my hands behind me, catching me. I bit his lip hard, as I saw Axel's vibrant hair. I felt lightheaded, and dizzy. I pushed myself up though, stumbling a little but I continued running.

"You're bleeding!" He called after me, sounding scared, but I just ignored him. Way to state the obvious Ax, I knew I was bleeding already. I made it to the garden type courtyard thing, and I tripped over to the wall by the hose, turning it on. It was more difficult than I thought, my hands were shaking and I couldn't seem to grasp it hard enough. I finally got it and I let the water flow over my arm, not even rolling up the sleeve. My eyes felt heavy and I started to fall asleep. The only thing that kept me awake was the ice cold water running over my heated arm, it felt like shards or ice ripping over my skin, but I kept the hose there. I began closing my eyes as I heard two voices enter the yard. My mind didn't process who they were, and I let sleep crash down on my body. I needed this, I kept repeating that over and over again. I needed the pain, the cleansing and the cold. It was who I was. I needed it more than anything else. I was starving for the dark…

_There was blood everywhere. It was cold now. I didn't know whose blood it was, but I surmised that they were dead who ever the unlucky soul was. I didn't mind though. I was used to killing. I had to be._

_"Zexion," I hadn't shut the bathroom door yet, so when I looked over at it, Axel was shown standing there. _

_"What?" I asked, a little irritable. I wanted to wash my hands and then get ready for a shower. _

_"Sora and Roxas want to see you." He said sounding bored. Sometimes I got worried if Axel sounded bored. It was a cover for something else half the time. And I thought that was what this was. _

_"Oh… it isn't about Namine is it?" I asked slowly. The redhead just shook his head. _

_"No, I… I think it's about Riku." I sighed after he said this, but nodded. _

_"Give me time to wash up." He nodded and left, I turned the other way, running my hands under the tap water. I slowly shut it off and went to the door, closing it. I set the shower on and rummaged through the shampoo bottles we had. Why we needed six different types, I'd never know, but Demyx liked to have a bunch. I picked out soap and a few towels before undressing and inching into the now warm shower. I sighed, and thought about why they needed me to help them. It wasn't a secret that Riku and I didn't get along with each other too well. I pondered this through all five measly minutes of my shower, the time it took to dry off, and get dressed. I then entered into the living room, where the two practically identical boys sat, Axle on a different section of the large, wrap around the room couch, and on the third part of it, to my pleasant surprise, Demyx was there. _

_Sora didn't even wait for me to sit down before he began. _

_"Zexion, I know you don't like Riku much, but I really need your help." I slowly sat next to Demyx on one of the large sections of the couch. _

_"With what?" I asked, noticing that Axle was sitting on the largest portion of the couch, the one that was with it's back against the main wall, while our sections were against the corners and only covering a small bit of the large area. The redhead had his eyes closed, as if he was pissed off. He always reminded me of my cat Sasha when he was angry… _

_"Well…" The brunette blushed so the blonde picked up the sentence from there. _

_"Sora's got it bad." I watched them. I knew what they wanted from me. _

_"And you can't get Axel or Demyx to do this for you? It'd be a lot easier considering I would have to sit in the same room as him…. Of course we'd also have to resist slitting each other's throats." Both boys looked at the carpet while Demyx snickered from next to me._

_"No, they don't want to." Sora mumbled. _

_"Why not?" At this time, Axel actually got up and left, closing the door to his room after he entered. Demyx watched the door as the red head put on his characteristically loud music. Roxas twitched a bit, it was not unknown to any of us that Roxas preferred the quiet over the noise that Axel thrived on. _

_"Go," I told Demyx, knowing he was worrying himself over how Axel was going to react. He smiled at me, before rushing after his friend. I turned my pocus back at Sora and Roxas. _

_"Well, Why won't they help you?" _

_"Axel said we're asking for the coward's way out of it. He said Sora should do it for himself." Roxas told me with an odd expression I couldn't deciefer. _

_"He should." I shrugged. "And Demyx's reason?" I asked, though I already knew it, I could even hear the blonde's voice in my head as Sora spoke the words aloud. _

_"If he could snag you, then I could get Riku easily. That's what he said… what's he mean?" I smiled, but not exactly happy, but a self serving grin. I was proud that I had been right. I did not want to really answer his question though. _

_"I spent so long… years even, not caring if Demyx lived or died. I would let him get hurt, and I wouldn't help him. I didn't feel anything at all with him. Not friendship, or even just humane compassion. I hated him even at one point. Do you know why he said that to you?" I inquired with a slight tilt to my head, brushing my fingers through the damp slate purple hair that was hanging to my annoyance without having been brushed. They shook their heads in unison, looking all like the twins or split souls, or whatever the hell they really were, they had not told us exactly yet. "He said that, because Riku already cares for you. You have an advantage Sora. So fine, I'll help you, but I'm not doing everything." I said, getting up to follow Axel and Demyx. _

_"But-" he began "Riku isn't into boys." _

"He's a lot darker this time," Axel's voice said. I kept my eyes closed, I was on a bed I could feel, and it seemed like they were watching me. I was on my bed… they must have brought me back here.

"Yeah, and we're getting off to a bad start… again." Came Demyx's voice, heavy with something akin to disappointment.

"Some of his memories are back…" I could hear the soft sadness in the fiery boy's usually vibrant voice.

"All we know for sure is one, and that one isn't good at all."

"The one in the prison?" Axel asked after a long pause. I didn't hear a response but it must have been a nod because he continued. "Do you know what happened there?"

"No… no one will tell me."

"Doesn't Riku know?" Confusion was rooted in Axel's tone as he inquired this time.

"Yeah… he says it isn't his place, and he has no right to tell me. He also babbled something about Zexion-" I felt the way he said it, and in hailed slowly, but deeply, trying to taste the way he said it. "-Being the only one who has any right to tell me what happened… So if Ku thinks that…" His voice faded, but he did not have to finish. I knew he was talking about the rape. I knew that they both had the idea something horrible happened, but… how did Riku know what went on? I forced my breathing to stay slow as my thoughts raced. I had begun thinking of that man, and his hands on me, the taste he left in my mouth and thinking of that made me want to cry. I felt disgusting. I didn't understand why that happened, where I had been, and why I had been there. I wanted Demyx to hug me and tell me it was okay, or even Axel, I just wanted someone to replace my thoughts right now. I had not been listening for a few minutes as I struggled with my own mind, but I forced myself to refocus and was shocked to hear what I began to.

He was crying.

Demyx was crying. I tried to see if I could subconsciously recall anything they had said. I could not, so I listened for a while, before he began speaking again, Axel's hand stroking his back a sound almost constant in the background.

"Ax… I want him." He mumbled with a shaky voice. "I want him back, you know?" His voice broke and my heart split in two. Why was he doing this to me? I hated him. I wanted to hate him so much. Why was this hurting me? I didn't want to be near him at all…. I bit the tip of my tongue, in hailing again, and trying to force these thoughts away.

Lies.

I knew that's what they were. They were safe though. I knew what being lonely was like. You were safer. I didn't want to try something new and spend my time in his embrace. I couldn't do that. I would mess him up in the end too.

I was messing him up now though…

"Shh, Demyx, don't cry."

"I wanna go back-"

"Don't be stupid Demyx. You know everything turned out so-"

"I know… but… Ax, we were happy for a while… he even smiled back then. I-I don't know how to fix him. I'm afraid I'm going to lose him." He choked out, and once he got the words out he burst into fresh tears. I wanted to fidget, and make him stop out of fear of me hearing him break down over me. He probably would have good reason to be afraid too, I was terrified of what this was doing. I couldn't hug him and make him feel better. I didn't want to let myself. I hated him. I used that as a mantra. I lived off of it. I wasn't supposed to care for anyone, but, I did. I wanted to stroke his hair and tell him everything was okay. It wouldn't be. He and I would never be together.

What should I do now, I asked myself. How, do I do something? I rephrased it. I couldn't very well lead him on, but… I did have to do something. I was so angry with myself. Could I make up my mind? I was so bi-polar with things. I was going to do something. I needed to.

I had to admit he was beyond gorgeous, there was something about him that was so attractive it drove me insane, but he would be just my… friend. He wouldn't mind that much… He was such a good person. He was artistic, sweet, caring, smart, the list goes on and on…

If he wanted me… I didn't understand why it was me, but it was. I was not deserving, and I knew once things started to get going and I felt myself feeling more and more of my dream self's emotions, I would probably become cold and distant again. That half of me loved him, and so deeply that it hurt. Our two feelings were so entwined, and all our memories were mashed together, twisting and interjecting into one another.

"Demyx, everything was okay last time, it'll be fine again. It's like gravity." He soothed his best friend with a tenderness I had not heard in my life. I wanted someone to talk to me like that. I wanted someone to love me like Axel loved the guitarist. I kept repeating in my mind though, that I could not have that, I didn't deserve it, and really, I didn't want it. It was like the little girl pony syndrome. Everyone wants one, so I want one too! That was it I told myself. I would really be ungrateful and I would not enjoy it once I had it. Deep down, I knew this too was a lie. I had been too lonely and unloved for far too long to feel either of those things if I allowed Demyx to love me.

"I already kissed him Ax, I don't think it's right this time. Maybe he's different." His voice faded out. He hadn't been crying for some time, but he sounded like he would start again.

"Of course he's different. We're all different. You have to think what he's been through. And what his soul has been through. He had the worst of it before." Axel pointed out softly.

I couldn't take it anymore. I shifted and rolled over, pretending to wake up, rubbing my eyes for an effect. When I opened them, I just caught a glimpse of Demyx's reddened eyes as he walked to the door. My glance shifted to Axel and he waved a little, before slipping out of the room as well.

Okays!!! ^^

Here is an update! I'm already re-writing the next chapter.

And thank you for sticking with me, even though I neglected it.

Special thanks to:

Lidia

Li Huo

And

foreverxXxsamexXx


	4. Chapter Three

So, I know, this took forever. I'm sorry. You're all going to kill me too, because it's kinda short. This is in Demyx's point of view, so I'm warning you. I wanted to show the differences in their thought patterns… I dunno if I did a good job, I edited it and revised it a lot, but I just got through mid terms and, I have been having a lot of fun in life. Usually I have no life at all, but I have something going on.

Thank you for all the reviews. There weren't many but, they made me pleased. I would appreciate more. Lol. And I'm open to suggestions if you think something is lacking. Do not expect me to throw it in though. I have a few things I HAVE to do with this in the next few chapters.

Enjoy.

Chapter 3: Demyx

Axel brought me back to his room. All the way there I could see a ghost of Zexion swirling and twisting in front of my vision like a permanent reminder. This was all wrong. Somehow, I felt like this time was worse than last time. Maybe that's because last time, he was just hurting me, and I didn't have to see all the scars slowly marring his pretty skin.

"Come here," Axel said softly, his voice strained as he pulled me into a hug right there in the middle of the hallway, one of his hands on the nape of my neck, petting it comfortingly. "You're shaking." He whispered, hugging me tightly, his other hand around the middle of my back. I just hugged him back mutely, ignoring any strange looks we were getting. Who cared what anyone else thought? I felt like I was going to crack.

"Oh my god Axel… this is all my fault. I shouldn't have kissed him. I'm so fucking selfish. I can't believe myself; oh god Ax, what am I going to do? How do I make him stop?" My shaking had only gotten worse, I didn't even notice until it reached my voice, as each word quivering in the air. I was pleading with him, I needed help with this, and I needed someone to tell me what to do. I didn't trust myself anymore. The redhead pulled me into his room and kicked a path of stuff out of our way as he moved me to his bed, sitting me down and wrapping his arms around me.

"Shh, Demyx, I don't know, but freaking out is not going to help." He soothed me like he always managed to do. I wished so badly in that moment that I was in love with my pyro of a best friend who was perfect for me… Axel was painfully attractive, such a wonderful person and I didn't think he would say no to me. I wasn't in love with him though. I couldn't even imagine kissing him like I wanted to kiss Zexion, hell; I couldn't imagine pressing my lips against anyone's but the slate haired boy's chewed and chapped ones. Riku came over, apparently I was shaking again. God, I felt so wrong right now.

"How long are you going to be there for him?" He asked in his usual cool way, but I knew he was trying to help. Riku was not exactly skilled with heartfelt talks.

"You don't even have to ask that. You know my answer."

"Say it." He instructed with a sympathetic look that made me feel ten times worse. I must have really looked like shit too, because, that look was too caring of an expression for Riku to normally have. Well, when he was looking at anyone else but Sora…

"Forever." I whispered, not afraid of the word, but terrified that I would always have to watch the person I cherished so deeply spiral down the wrong path. I didn't think I could stand for that. I would have to do something. I just had to do something…. I felt so helpless.

"Now tell him that." He patted my back. "Let him know you'll always be there, and that he can't get rid of you no matter how hard he tries." I raised my eyes to look at the boy encouraging me so confidently, and I tried to smile.

"That's what I did last time,"

"I know." Riku smiled, patting me on the head lightly, ruffling my hair in the way he did sometimes to his friends.

"I don't see how it's going to help this time." My smile faded with my voice, both beckoning blankness in their wake.

"Knowing that someone cares enough to always be there for you… that can change a lot." He instructed me before standing up. "Good luck." He said before leaving us alone in the room. Axel smoothed the blonde strands of hair that were in my face like always, the pyro brushed them back and kissed my forehead.

"I know it's hard, and if you need help," He let his words hang in the air. I would always have Axel when I needed him… He was the best friend I had ever had. I leaned against him, and closed my eyes to the words. He must have known he did not have to say them. It was a soft comfort though, to hear a confirmation, maybe that's what Riku meant.

God, this was all my fault.

What could I do differently? Zexion was fighting against who he was so much. He was falling, and he wouldn't let me catch him. I wanted to so badly… It hurt to feel so detached from him. He was my other half. My soul mate. We should have been together by now. Riku had said he didn't want to be gay, that he had been reading something or other about it while cutting, and it seemed as though the slate-haired boy despised that part of himself. Was that the reason, or was he really different this time? Was he so different that he no longer needed me? He had to know deep down he needed me. He had to. My arms were better than any blade, and my kisses could comfort him better than anything else. He had to know, he just had to.

"What if he kills himself?" My voice broke as the question rushed unwarranted from my lips. Axel's muscles tensed for a moment and then he forced himself to relax. He brushed his hands through my hair and kissed the top of my forehead again, seconds before I crumbled into tears for the millionth time.

"I don't know…" He said softly, sounding sad now, which only caused tears to flow with more force. God, why couldn't Zexion see how much we all cared about him? It wasn't fair.

Hours past from that moment. I don't know how many. Axel held me as I eventually broke after each new rant or plea for some advice, and he never told me to go away. He never once told me I was being stupid, or that I needed to stop. He just let me get all of my emotions out. I soaked his shirt by the time I calmed down into a sullen exhaustion.

"Do you wanna stay in my bed tonight? Ku can go to Sora's room and sleep over there, and I'd steal his bed." He offered me hopefully. God, that offer was tempting, my eyes were probably rimmed with red and I must have looked like shit, I wanted to see Zexion even though I knew it was a bad idea. The second I saw him, I wouldn't want to be around him anymore. I would find fear embedding itself deep in my chest, and the nervousness that I always had when I was around him would set in…. I would go crazy.

"No…" My voice was hoarse and my throat ached. All of me ached. I had forgotten how much pain sobbing was when you did it too much, I only had done it one other time… and I had been half crazy then, so the pain was not on my mind at all. "I need to see Zexion." I whispered, hugging my friend tightly around the middle. I felt the pang of pain as I wished Axel and I could be like this, we could make a good couple. I did love him… just not the same.

Who was I fooling? Axel and I knew each other too well, and we knew it would never work. He was my friend, and really, I couldn't think of him as a lover now. We had tried before, a long time ago. That was before any of us, even Roxas, had begun getting memories of what had happened. Once Axel remembered, we broke it off, I hadn't understood at the time. I did now. But still, knowing all of this, I still thought he wouldn't turn me down. Would he?

"Okay, if you're sure. You should wash up a bit first." He ran his long fingers through the back of my golden locks. I just nodded a little and sighed. I loved Zexion more undeniably than I had ever felt any other emotion.

"Okay…" I mumbled weakly, standing up slowly, letting go of him and swaying dangerously. I had stood up too fast. Ugh, my stomach did a flip and then a flop, and I felt acids rising, but I swallowed them down and groped my temples, trying to stop the spinning. Ax had his arm around my shoulder so I wouldn't fall. After a few moments the feeling left me and I in hailed gratefully.

"Thank you Axel." I said stepping towards the door, being careful to work my way around some mounds of clothing, other piles of…. What were those piles stacked with? I doubted I wanted to know. He shrugged and mumbled something like 'no problem' before resting a hand on my back, ready to catch me if I felt dizzy and fell. I made it without incident to the door though, leaving the room and wandering into the blindingly bright hall. I hissed and said something along the lines of fuck, before I stumbled, with Ax behind me, obviously not as affected by the light as I was.

The bathroom was cold, and the water was like ice, but I had been right in my assumptions earlier. I did look like shit. I made most of the angry red color around my eyes go away, but not all of it would, and I was so tired. Axel took me soundlessly to my room and hugged me outside, promising he would return in a few hours to check on us. All I did was nod, before I went inside. The second I entered my heart faltered and my eyes shimmered just a little.

His purple tinted hair was falling lightly over his face, and he looked absolutely peaceful, in the envelope of sleep. A small smile even played on his lips. I wanted to know what he was dreaming about. Was it me? I wished it was, I would love to have him dream of me, because he was all I could think about. Against my better judgment, I walked towards him and knelt next to his bed. I wished my fingers could trace over his soft skin, and I wished my lips could brush across his cheeks, and press soft kisses over his neck. I was so lost, watching the light on his skin, and the way he glowed lightly in my eyes. I didn't notice the change in his breathing, not until it was too late anyways. He moved, yawning, and looking at me. My throat went dry and I tried to swallow.

"You were…" He began looking still full of sleep, but like he was slowly waking up completely. "Demyx… you were crying." His fingers traced over my cheek. This was not him. I knew it was not, he was still in a dreamy sort of daze from the dream. It had been me he had been dreaming of. I didn't care though. I wanted to hold him in my arms again, and I wanted to tell him just how much I loved him. I could not move though. I just looked at him.

"Demyx…" He sounded forlorn.

"Zexion, don't worry." I smiled, grasping the hand he had let drop from my face, resting it instead on my shoulder. I held it in one of mine like it was precious and I might break it, and I really was so terrified that I might do just that.

"It's my fault." It wasn't a question, it was statement, and his eyes were a bit harder now, like he had finally woken up and realized what was going on. I shook my head, but he pressed his lips together. "Don't lie to me."

"But you do it to me all the time." I hadn't meant to say that. I regretted it the second it left my mouth, but his reaction was not what I was expecting.

"I'm sorry." He gripped my hand a little, holding it. What was he doing? I had no idea what was going through his mind right now. He had to be awake. He knew what he was doing, but I wasn't sure if he knew why. I had no idea how to react. What should I do? My mind was completely blank.

"What?" I managed to find the word, the only word I knew in the English language. Or the only one I could remember.

"This isn't your fault. None of it. It's my fault." He told me, and the blankness in my head stayed.

"What?" I repeated, leaning forward to try and comprehend what he was trying to say. Was he even listening to himself speak? Of course it wasn't his fault. I had been the cause. It was my fault. Mine.

"Demyx, I'm sorry. I don't think… I don't know what to do." He sat up, turning his face away from me. I looked up at him now, holding his hand tightly, hoping he wouldn't pull it back. "I don't know what I want. There's two of me, and it's driving me insane. I hate it. I wish one of me would just go away, I can't even think right." He shook his head, looking back at me. "I need them back, my razors. I won't be stupid about it this time, I promise, just give them back please." He pleaded. I couldn't do that, I simply couldn't. I pulled away my hand reluctantly and got up, sitting in front of him on the bed, both of us sitting Indian style now, our knees almost touching.

"Zexion," I saw him take a deep breath. "I don't want you hurting yourself. I need you to stop. I'll be here when ever you need someone," I could see him reeling from the idea though, and that only made me desperate. "I won't ever kiss you again, I promise, I'm sorry I did that, I just want to help you. That isn't healthy. Cutting is just… it's just wrong… I wanna help you Zexion." I was the one pleading now. He was leaning away, looking at his hands as they picked at each other.

"I'll…. Try." He said softly. I could not have hoped for anything better.

"Thank you, thank you Zexion." I whispered, smiling. He looked up at me when I said his name.

"Your welcome." He said in an undertone, the barest glimmer of a smile on his lips. It did not count as a smile, but he at least looked happy.

End of Chapter 3

So that's that.

Tell me what you think please.

I'm writing the next chapter, it does not pick up right after this. I refuse to write without gaps. Lol. Next Chapter is Zexion again.

And oh, I will be using stars for the dreams or flashback moments. I hate them, but it's much too hard to go through the stupid upload doc thing and re-italic what I want done.

There was something else I wanted to say, but it must not bee too important.


	5. Chapter Four

Hello! I'm back! Sorry for the wait.

PLEASE READ THE FOLLOWING:

I have decided since I've already listed the story as mature, that I'm going to add in some sexual stuff, nothing major right now, there are two things so far in the next chapter. I have a whole new thing going on, and yeah. So, just wanring you, I will post a warning up here if I delve into a lemon, but I have not yet, and do not plan to just yet. You have at least two more chapters before that. ^^

Alright, so, I'm sorry it's been so long. If you read at the end I have an explanation.

~~~~~! ! !~~~~~

Chapter four: Zexion

Why the fuck did I say that?

It still had not made sense to me a few days after. I could not try. I didn't want to stop cutting, but now I had to attempt it, there was no choice. I blamed it on him and those damn pretty eyes, the way they looked at me… it made me wanna agree with whatever he said. And that fucking voice of his… melodic and nagging, always tugging on me to pay attention. I wanted to shut him up. Sometimes I wanted to do it with a good punch in the mouth, and other times I felt a clawing sensation in my gut, to ease my lips against his and just kiss him. I never would. I was not allowed to do that and there were two reasons for that. The first being that he had told me he would not kiss me. I couldn't go around kissing him when he had promised not to do that to me. It would make kissing me okay, which couldn't be allowed. The other reason was that I was still mixed up about him. I couldn't tell the difference between myself and my other half. On occasion I could, but not nearly enough for me to distinguish and sort out all the emotions in my body.

While the thoughts ran vagrant through my mind, my body was leaned against the wall of a shower, and crumpled to the filthy floor, as water beat down on my even thinner frame. The stupid guitarist refused to leave me alone for more than ten minutes at a time. I was beginning to get a little annoyed, I was glad he allowed ten extra minutes in the shower though. I couldn't let him see me like this. There were streaks of blood all over the insides of my thighs, and the insides of my wrists. I had been an idiot again. I had started cutting on my legs during the last few days. I was not trying. I made a good show of it, but deep down I knew I was not.

What was the worst part of this?

I was lying to myself and I knew it.

"Zexion?" He called, his steps auditable by now.

"I'll be right out." I called, forcing my body to move and stand up. I managed to get all the blood down the drain and off of my body. Once done with that, I put on a robe to hide myself and got out. He looked at me with such a sweet and adoring smile. Who in God's name knew why. I probably looked like a drowned rat. Maybe I felt worse than I looked because guilt was beginning to weigh down on my heart again. This felt disgusting. I was disgusting. The cuts on my inner thighs rubbed very lightly as I walked and I had to keep so much focus on not showing the deep pain I felt. I needed the thick jean material of my new skinny jeans to protect the cuts…

"I put your clothes over there." He pointed to a privacy stall, and I nodded. He just smiled and watched as I went over there, and closed the door. Boxers. Jeans. Long sleeved shirt. Sweatshirt. I was almost done, just drying my hair, and slipping the razors from the pocket of the robe into my jeans pocket so I could slip them back into a hiding spot later. The long sleeved shirt was a black thermal, and the sweatshirt was one of Demyx's so it was large on me, and it was baggy, making me look like a scarecrow stuck in a too big shirt. I didn't care though. It was comfortable and… it smelt like him.

I was so sick…

"Zexion?" He called, and I focused my eyes on the door. Jesus… why did he have to use my name? He sounded so perfect saying it. Like it fit. Fuck. I needed to just shut my brain off.

"What?" The word flowed out with a sort of ex-hail or sigh. I didn't know which. My voice was so much lower than his, tired in a way, lacking all the energy and luster that his possessed. I needed to sleep. Stupid socks… they were inside out. I had to sit down to fight with them and then get them on.

"Can you show me your sketch book when we get back?" He sounded excited by this prospect, the question froze me in place though.

"No, why would you want to see my pictures?" I asked softly.

"I don't know. I'm just curious." The energy was out of his voice though and it sounded like he was leaning against the wall now.

"Um… Well Demyx, it's kinda private." I said with another release of breath, zipping up the sweatshirt he gave me and slipping into a pair of light slip on shoes. I could almost feel his mood plummet greatly. There were too many pictures of him. I couldn't let him see because then he would know everything. I didn't know how, he just would. Demyx was smart.

"Oh…" He mumbled softly, shifting his weight as I opened the door to look at him. Within a second his fake happiness was plastered all over him again. "That's okay." I knew him all too well. That smile was not all wrong, but it was wrong. I watched him for a few more minutes, and then we both wandered back to our room, where I put away all my things and he ran his fingers over the guitar laying on his bed. He did not pick it up though, and I found myself staring at him. He moved a little and looked back at me.

"You haven't played anything in a while." I said in an undertone, lying down in my bed, forcing myself to keep my eyes open as sleep threatened to overtake me. I was always so sleepy after showers, and even more so when I had cut. It seemed like it was draining me.

"Yeah. I just don't really want to." It was a lie and we both knew it. Sometimes he sat with it in his lap, just running his fingers along the strings, the scratchy sound had eventually gotten to me and I had left the room.

"Zexion," He beckoned me a little as I shut my eyes. "How are you feeling?" Why was he asking me this? What was he doing this for?

"I don't know. Why?" I sat up, despite my body's objection to the movement, and I forced my eyes to open, meeting his sparkly blue ones. Shit my thighs hurt. I wasn't used to the burn and aches of cuts on my legs. It was odd. It hurt a lot more; maybe it was because I had just started. I couldn't even remember the feel of cutting on my arms when I had first started. That was so long ago… The blonde sat down beside me on the bed, the mattress weighing down near him, making me feel like I was leaning towards him. But I wasn't.

"We've talked about this before Zexion." He was scolding me now, but I knew we had talked about this. It was all he ever wanted to talk about. "I care about you and your silly purple hair." He chuckled lightly, as if I was a small child that couldn't possibly understand what he was saying.

"You don't like my hair?" My hands had flown up to my still wet hair, but I wanted to crawl under the covers and hide from what I had just done. I shouldn't have reacted like that, but it had just come out. I didn't really understand why. I just wanted him to like my hair. I needed him to. That made no sense… He burst into laughter and rested his hands over mine, removing them gently.

"I love your hair." He let a bright smile spread over his lips, and he appeared to be thoroughly enjoying this, especially since my face felt like it was going bright red.

"Thanks." I mumbled a little, pulling my hands back. "I'm tired though Demyx…" I turned away and laid down, my back to him. "Can we talk about this another time?" I asked, the words coming out as an ex-hail, a weak one at that. Why was everything about me so fragile and pathetic?

"Yeah… that's fine." He then, left me alone, the padding of his footsteps ending with a thump. I guessed that was his body tumbling into the soft confines of his bed. My eyelids drooped and sleep stole thought from me. Only for a while though, then the blankness of sleep evolved…

**~**

Lilacs. They were all that wavered through my nose, both of our noses, I reminded myself. The me in my dreams like this, and who I really was, well, those two people were very different.

The other me was contently laying there, sun filtering all around the body we now shared. I couldn't see anything clearly when my eyes opened; there were different blurs of greens, yellows, blues, purples and pinks. Above all of it, was a bright -much too bright- orb in the sky, vibrantly streaming the light everywhere as it swam in pools of light ocean colors, with white puffy clouds. Grass prickled against my bare arms, while my other self was calm and peaceful, loving the light breeze against his skin, I personally had begun to panic. My arms were exposed. Demyx would see the scabbed cuts that littered the pale flesh.

I was asleep. In this life, I had not mutilated my skin so it was scarred and bloody, it was still fresh and perfect…

God, I had to remember that. I was going fucking insane. I was mental. That's that.

Everything was so perfect in this dream; it shoved in my face just how tattered and broken things were in real life now.

I could smell the ocean. My face broke into a smile, though I really didn't know why, the reason kept from me as my dream self knew exactly what this was. My eyes blinked a few times, squinting to see around better, as I tried to search for him. Oh god. I knew it was Demyx, the emotions that tore vagrantly through the body I was stuck in, made me feel very isolated and cold. The feelings were overflowing and bubbling uncontrollably, they stung horribly. I had not felt utter happiness in my life, not like this, and I would never feel it. I knew this, because I did not deserve it, and there would never come a time when I would earn that privilege.

"Demyx?" He had to be here, I wanted him to be, my muscles ached as I sat up, reminding me why I had been laying down. My head swirled and I bit my lip until the pain lessened. There was no answer. "Demyx!" I called louder, a smile still in place. My dream self was used to this. Games like this anyways, but… maybe I was more pessimistic than my other. I had a sinking feeling something was wrong. I didn't want to see the happiness gone from the body I was in, even though it made me feel terrible. I prayed everything would be okay and Demyx really was just playing an annoying little game.

He had to be here, I was in a garden. Flowers didn't smell like the ocean. Demyx did.

**~**

Coming back to reality was painful and dizzying; nausea came on much too suddenly, forcing me to bolt upright in bed and dash to the bathroom nearby. I barely made it into the stall, tripping and falling into the porcelain and spilling all the contents of my stomach into it. I coughed and sputtered, choking a little as I burst into tears. Someone had done something horribly wrong to Demyx. They had to have done something, because luck just turned that way for me. They took him away in the only place I had that I could stand with him. I didn't want to be with him in real life, because I was too fucked up, and I didn't want to taint him, but in my dreams… well that wasn't that bad. It was all make believe…. But if it was make believe why couldn't I just imagine him back? Why was I getting so worked up over this? I choked and coughed a little more, wiping my mouth and blowing my nose, just in time to hear the sweet tones of my guitarist.

"Zexion?" He asked softly, his voice sounding unused, but still alluring, like he just woke up, and I could picture what he'd look like. His hair would be disheveled, his eyes bright and fresh, and his clothing crinkled a little, in just the best way. He was amazing… He was gorgeous with any type of appearance. I didn't answer, my tears just ran fresh over my cheeks as I flushed the puke away.

"Zexion, are you okay?" He whispered, kneeling behind me, and pulling my willing frame against him, he sat back and pulled me onto his lap. Slowly, he placed his head on my shoulder, and wrapped his arms around me; I just shook and tried to steady myself. Why the hell was I so weak? I leaned back against him and closed my eyes, his longer arms surrounding my shoulders, and his strong chest comfortable against my back.

"Yeah… I'm sorry." I said hoarsely, closing my eyes.

"Do you want to talk about it?" His voice was so soft, and so tender against the side of my head as he in-hailed my scent. What did I smell like to him?

"Can I wash my mouth out first?" I asked in a low voice, causing a chuckle to be uttered from his lips, his chest moving against me, and his breath blew into my blue-purple hair. He reluctantly let me go, as I got up slowly, using a hand offered by him. He watched as I spent a long time getting the taste out of my mouth, caringly, he even brought me my toothbrush. I thanked him and brushed away the taste with a mint flavor that was my best friend in this moment…. Other than Demyx. "What time is it?" I asked him when I had finished. He shrugged lightly in response.

"I don't know, last time I looked it was two."

"A.M.?" My voice was louder than I had expected and he nodded. I swore under my breath.

"Come on, we'll get you back to bed." He said softly, offering a hand. I didn't take him, but went back to our room, sitting on his bed instead of mine. When he walked in, he looked at me weirdly.

"Can we talk?" I questioned softly, receiving a raised eyebrow.

"Yeah, yeah," He smiled though, shutting the door and taking a seat beside me. I bit my lip a little and closed my eyes. I wished he had held me like a few minutes before. Wait! What the fuck was I thinking? What was I doing?

"What did they do to you?" I blurted out, looking at him desperately. "I was waiting for you in this bright garden place, and then it smelled like the ocean and I couldn't find you. Someone did something. Were you okay? You have to tell me what happened." I demanded, by the end, managing to get back my pride.

"Whoa, Zexion, we went to a lot of gardens. Which one?" He asked softly, laying a hand on my shoulder reassuringly.

"I don't know it was all lilac-y and way too bright, and, um, I was all sore, and I don't know." I bit my lip harshly and sighed heavily. "I didn't know you were coming. I know that. I was surprised."

"I was probably playing a game Zexion, I did that a lot. I don't know what thing you're talking about." He said softly, brushing my hair away from my face, making me look down and away from him.

"That doesn't help Demyx…" I grumbled in a disappointed fashion, making him take a deep breath, but the sigh did not come.

"I'm sorry Zexion. I-"

"Stop that." I snapped finally, the sound of my name pulling too many string. He used it way too much.

"What?" He sounded shocked and confused by my sudden outburst.

"Stop using my name." I said softly, looking at him, my hair over one eye.

"Well… What do you want me to call you?" His voice was heavy with a prickling sense of nervousness, and of course the expected layers of confusion. "I like your name."

"I don't care what you call me, use a nickname or something, it doesn't matter." I shook my head as I tried to make the ringing of his voice calling my name get out of my skull.

"What about Zexy?" He smiled one of his brilliant, giggly looking smiles. I started to roll my eyes at the ridiculous title, but then everything changed.

**~**

"But Zexy," His voice whined, as his body pressed against mine on the couch, shifting my frame so my back was against the cushions. A smirk was on his face, his breath hot as it passed me ear, kisses fluttering down my neck from his lips.

"Demyx, Ax should be here soon, stop it." I complained, my hands on his chest, and my head tilting back to allow more access to my throat, contradicting what I had said.

"So? We still have all our clothing on." He nibbled at my adam's apple which made it bobble a little, a gasp of air flying into my lungs. Very suddenly, I wished Axel was not coming.

"Demyx, stop it," I whispered, trying not to sound as excited as I really was. The request fell on deaf ears because he knew I did not really want him to cease what he was doing, the aspect of the pyro walking in on us again-even just like this- did not appeal to my more modest side though.

"But Zexy, you're so cute!" He laughed at the look of distaste that flittered over my expression. He knew how to get to me… I would not win this time. Then again, when did I ever really win when it came to what Demyx wanted?

**~**

How could you look at someone after something like that? It was worse than a daydream about him for God Sakes! I could still feel the little kisses on my throat, and that brought a deep color to my cheeks.

"N-not that either please." I whispered, my hand on my throat, trying to stop the tingling feeling, my eyes trailing away from him nervously.

"Why not Zexy?" He cooed in the same tone as in my-what was it this time? A daydream? I turned my eyes to his bright crystal orbs, finding his face in the dark so much more alluring… we were so close, what would he do if I kissed him? Would he kiss me back? Of course he would… right? I wished I could see my face in the reflection in his eyes, but I could not, I wished I knew what I looked like through his eyes, what he thought of me and how he felt. Had I taken too long? I didn't deserve to have him, but I didn't want to be apart from him… Did he know what I had just seen? How could he? The blond was just being annoying and stupid like usual. God, he was so gorgeous.

"Because I said so. I have to piss, I'll be back." I muttered grumpily, fleeing the room, because not only did I have to go to the bathroom, but I needed to think straight for at least a few moments. I did not hurry, but apparently I didn't take that long because he didn't come and get me. It was so quiet; I could hear the soft melody fluttering off his fingertips before I even laid my hand on the door knob once I entered, the cord died though.

"Why did you stop?" He did not answer verbally, just shrugging, beckoning a frustrated sigh as I sat on his bed again. "I'm insane right? You don't really exist." I mumbled, his head snapping to me, looking utterly perplexed. "Because you and Ax, and Riku, and these twins I don't kn-"

"Sora and Roxas aren't really twins."

"Whatever, but that's my point, you guys…" I sighed angrily, shaking my head and closing my eyes. Within seconds, he pulled me close, in a comforting way, his guitar on the floor, forgotten once again, in favor of me.

"We exist… I… I shouldn't tell you this yet, but I'm going to. I'm assuming you're getting memories in dreams and flashes. Axel, Roxas, Riku, and I got them all at once. In our past life-we had one more or two before that-but anyways, our last one is all we really remember. We used to be shells; they had taken our hearts so they could use us for their own purposes. And-"

"Then why do I feel things when I'm 'remembering'?" I air quoted, beckoning a chuckle from him.

"I think it was our brains protecting us from the reality of it, just projecting echoes of how we were supposed to be feeling. Something like a defense mechanism or something."

"You mean… those emotions are supposed to be weak?" My voice asked dryly. Had I mixed everything up? Was I labeling whose emotions were whose incorrectly?

"For me, they're nothing like the ones I have now." He admitted, making me feel both better and worse. It made sense those emotions would be weaker, but he said 'for him' which gave me hope.

"Oh…" I mumbled softly, my mind ticking with the ideas sitting before me.

"Come on, we should go back to bed." He said softly, stroking my hair soothingly, and breathing very lightly on one of my ears. I just closed my eyes where I was, before snuggling into his embrace. "Zexion, do you want me to bring you back to your bed?" The whispered question made a shiver run down my spine.

"No," I said softly, it had been auditable to him., for a second, the guitarist held his breath. "I'm sorry… I'll go," I had not meant to upset him, but as I attempted to move away from him, his arms tightened.

"You can stay." There was a nervous smile in his voice, and a slur of his words that showed me not only how much he was afraid to say that one phrase, but how terrified of my answer he was. I leaned back into him, closing my eyes, so he pulled me down onto the mattress, laying on his side with his arms around me, making me roll onto my side so I could look at him.

"I'm sorry."

"Why?" He whispered back, his lips so close to my skin I could feel it tingling.

"This must hurt you." That was the truth too. It must have been heartbreaking to lay with me in his arms when he couldn't claim me as his. I didn't deserve to be with him and allow my cravings to become a reality, even though I was already giving into them, into him. He deserved so much better than anything I could give him. I was so broken and right now, I was ruining the guitarist.

"Not really, I-"

"You're such a liar." I laughed bitterly, shutting my eyes and hugging him tightly. God… did I love him? I only wanted him to be happy. Maybe it was just all the extra time we were spending together because he was too paranoid to leave me alone. He said nothing for a while; the only sound coming from him was his breathing.

"I'm not lying." He paused as I reopened my eyes, I had practically been asleep. He was staring at me, like he was apologizing. "I mean, I guess in a way it might later, but it makes me very happy, because-" He took a deep breath. "I don't think the pain will be that bad…"

"Why?" The word was all breath, uttered so silently that for a few seconds, I was afraid he hadn't heard me. Right when I was about to repeat myself, he spoke.

"Because you could be in the bathroom with a razor blade in your arm… but you aren't." He smiled, only adding to the guilt he jammed down my throat. I wished I had not asked why, or that he had really not heard. Did he know? Was he trying to guilt me into telling him that I had sliced up my arms again, but not only that, I did it to my legs too? I wouldn't do that. There was no way that he could find out about this.

"Oh," was all I whispered back, my voice dying out. This was so wrong. All of this. I didn't even deserve to be fucking alive. I looked down to hide my face from him.

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to bring that up again." He cupped my face with one hand, bringing it back up to look at him, I didn't fight him with this, and I just stared at his beautiful blue eyes.

"It's fine." My voice broke, making me close my eyes to escape the look of sadness that washed over his face. I was screwed now. The guitarist brushed his thumb over my cheek, and gently nearer to my mouth. For a second I tried to remember the feel of his lips on mine, but I could not. Why couldn't I?! The one time I wanted to remember, and relive it, I could not. My eyes opened to pour over his face, remembering the sad and concerned look covering his beautiful features.

"I didn't mean to hurt you Zexion." His voice threw me over the edge, the way he said my name made my stomach knot and churn with butterflies, and it made me want to cry how, perfect the tones of his voice were. He was like the sun after it's been raining for a year… The feelings for him that swirled through my body were overwhelming and I needed to kiss him, it wasn't even a want right now… I kissed him fully on the lips, he almost pulled back -from surprise I guessed- so I threaded one of my hands through his hair, and pulled him closer once more. My other hand held onto his shirt tightly, gripping his chest desperately. He obliged me, wrapping his arms around my waist, and pulling me against him. I pulled back after a few small pecks following the first one, each matching in the odd desperation and need for his lips against mine.

"Demyx… I-I-I" I couldn't think, his twin pools of sky wandering over my face, focusing on my lips a little, before they returned to my eyes. He just smiled very delicately.

"It's okay. I understand it doesn't change anything." For the life of me, I could not decipher the emotion in his voice. I wanted to know though. I didn't want him to be upset… but I couldn't be with him. I just couldn't.

We both wanted it so much though….

I nodded slowly, before kissing him again, so lightly, it was almost like our lips weren't pressed together, his softer, seeing as he wasn't always biting his like I was mine. I pressed them again and again, wanting him to tell me that it did change something, that he liked kissing me, that there was something between us… even that he just cared. But he said nothing, only accepting the kisses I bestowed on him again and again. After a little while I pulled back, eyes still closed because they were stinging a little.

"I love you…" I whispered so softly, leaning our foreheads together. The only way I knew he heard me, was because he faltered in his breathing, and when he stopped holding his breath, he held me tighter.

~~~~~! ! !~~~~~

Okay, I'm sorry this took so long, and the next chapter should be up sooner, but it's shorter. I had really bad writer's block, I got sick, and had a bunch of work I needed to do, plus, I think I edited this one really well since my brain died, so, it might not be as creative, but it is a rather important chapter. The next one is all written out, but, I'm just going to have to type and edit now. That will take a while, because I have a bunch going on. I'd say a week at least.

Like I mentioned before, since this is rated MA, I have decided to add some sexual stuff, without skipping over it. I have not written a lemon yet, but be warned, there is developmental (to the story line, god, thank the all American Rejects and a nightmare I had for this idea) scene in the next chapter that has some naughty stuff in it.

Ooooooooooooooooooooooohhhh! Don't you just wanna know what I did? :P You'll probably hate me for it, but I've been toying with the idea for a while, and those two things just enhanced the idea and molded it.

Anyways, I'm also going to start throwing quotes back in, and you might be getting a Demyx chapter soon, I'm not sure. Maybe even an Axel one. ^^ I've become very fond of the pyro.

One last thing, please, please, please review. It would help me a lot, and I want some constructive criticism. I am trying to change my writing style a little, because I'm getting sick of my own stuff, but, I also want plot things. I might add something if I like it, but I have a few key things that are going to happen in the next few chapters, anything else would just be fun to elaborate on. Oh, and I have a lot more swearing going on. Lol. Sorry if you don't like it.


	6. Chapter Five

Okay, so here it is. I told you'd I would update sooner!!! Yay!

Well, like I said before, I don't own the characters.

There are a few scenes that are a tad sexual, but nothing like "OH! BAM! In your face here's a lemon!" Nothing like that. Not at all. Lol. So please don't hate me. I love this chapter. I really do. I have to say I'm very excited about the upcoming line I have going, if I do it right, I believe you will love me when we're done with this all.

Chapter five: Zexion

I woke up in his arms., big surprise there. His breathe was warm, fluttering my all-too-emo-bangs, and his lips were curved into a smile too. God, I could have just died right then and there and been happy. I did not regret what I had done right away, guilt and panic set in when his lashes stirred, revealing his beautiful twin oceans.

"Hey," He smiled more, his voice quiet and thick with sleep. The room was silent, but outside, people were bustling around. Oh god… Saturday, the last one before school started up again. So much for the languid spring vacation I had planned. The techs had fucked that one up majorly.

"Mhm." I replied very slowly, having tried to find words before I just gave up, resorting back to cave man speaking habits. His smile tarnished suddenly, but he forced it to stay in place. Did he want to talk about the possibility of an 'us'? I certainly did not.

"Are you hungry?" He asked, like he wanted us to go together, so I shook my head. "Okay, Ax will be coming soon I think." He said with the self-same smile as he detangled us, and awkwardly we both stumbled to different activities. I collected my shower things, and he started to get changed, so in turn, I darted from the room, not sparing a glance back at him.

It had been my first shower where he had not hovered somewhere near the section I was in. I was washing my hair, thinking about the night previous, when the nervous feeling of sickness tore through my body. I washed the suds from my scalp and grasped my razor, looking at the water for a few seconds as it sprayed over me. What would he think? Without another thought, I tore the object across my arm, a relieved sigh passing through my lips, yet I was struck into a panic by the laughter from my side as it bubbled out of the lungs of a black haired boy's throat. I turned, my eyes darting over his as I grasped my wrist tightly.

The other teen was not much taller than I was, maybe an inch or two, his hair was a mix of something the members of the Beatles would wear, and a new emo look, and his eyes were too bright to be held in his skull, they were a mixture of green and yellow, like cat eyes, clever and guilty looking as they wandered over my body, beckoning a flush to my face.

"I didn't know there was another of us in this school." He cooed lightly. "W-Wh-What?" I stuttered out. He looked like he was in tenth or eleventh grade, closer to the higher, and if my assumption was correct, than he was older than me. He barely looked it though, he was not much stronger looking, he had the thinnest lines of muscles showing through his long sleeved shirt. Something about him just reeked of maturity and experience. He had to be older, the ag didn't hang upon him in a bad way, it gave him a sort of presence though. "Cutters." I had never applied the word to myself before, but it fit. "I'll talk to you, when you aren't quite as… tempting." He smirked, much to my horror. Was I really that gay looking? I finished my shower, not cutting again after he left, I was shaking way too much, and my cheeks were bright red. When I stepped out, wrapped in a towel, he was there, even after I got dressed and snuggled into Demyx's sweatshirt, he was waiting. "I'm Seth." He held out his hand, which I hesitated to take, but did after contemplating it for a few minutes. "Why don't we talk over breakfast?" He smiled and I followed. I was puzzled as to why I was letting him lead me to the meal, it made no sense, I saw Demyx with Axel, Riku and those twins my guitarist had said weren't really twins. The blond signaled to me, so I paused, but Seth gripped my hand. I just looked at him for a second before he let go and I trailed behind him like a lost puppy dog. When I glanced back at Demyx, he was watching me with the worst strangled expression covering his face, mirroring my betrayal of him, though I had not done much yet. "What's your name kid?" The elder asked, grabbing a selection of healthy and filling looking food. "Zexion," I mumbled, taking only an apple. "You need more iron than that if you're planning on not getting sick anyways." He scoffed, before leading me to a table of boys who greeted him cheerfully and looked at me with questioning, yet nice looks.

"Hey guys, this is Zexion," He smiled like he was hiding something. "Matt," a redhead with pretty blue eyes, and freckles. "Xavier," A tan boy with strong features and large brown eyes to match messy brown hair with a gentle glaze of blond that was clearly fake. "Louis," Blond, brown eyes, nothing spectacular about him. "Damian," He stood out, he had bright green eyes, a squared chin, flawlessly pale skin, he looked to be very tall, maybe just an inch or two more so than Demyx, and he looked strong. My eyes were caught in his while Seth listed off someone else. I missed the name but I looked at him, a second late, he looked like a jock. Not my type at all. "Sunny-he's Damian's brother." That much was obvious without me even having to hear that. They looked identical, except Sunny had eyes like Demyx, and I felt captured within them like I had with his brother. They had to be twins. "And this is Demetri," He patted the shoulder of a boy whose hair was messy, flopped over one eyes like mine, he had soft pretty eyes and a physical build the same as mine.

He smiled at me very shyly.

"He's new to our group too." Seth told me, kind of shocking me that they had all accepted me that easily.

"I'm not really… interested in a 'group'." I air quoted, beckoning laughter that warranted a glare from me to silence them, though nearly everyone there could overpower me.

"Alright, will you still sit with us?" He smirked and sat down a seat away from Sunny, patting the spot in between them for me. I hesitantly moved forward, but his eyes narrowed at something behind me. When I looked, a familiar redhead -clearly pissed- was walking over. Seth stood up and situated himself between Ax and I.

"Get the fuck out of the way Seth." He hissed, much to my surprise. I had thought he was mad at me, but maybe these two had a past or something…

"You aren't welcome here anymore Axel." He said, confirming that something had happened before.

"I don't fucking give to shits! Leave Zexion alone." He spat, beckoning some laughter. Was Demyx jealous? Was that why I wasn't allowed to be here?

"You have no-"

"Go away Ax." I interrupted, sitting down awkwardly, with everyone's eyes on me.

"Zexion, you don't know what you're getting yourself into." He warned before storming off. I attempted to hide behind my hair as I ate. God, I'd fucking show Demyx if he thought he could control me. I didn't really know why I was so angry, but I was.

"Okay, can one of you just fucking take a picture and stop staring at me?" I snapped finally, uneasiness threatening to make me sick. Sunny laughed, and the rest followed suit as if making sure it was okay first, before they resumed conversation very slowly.

"You should get your hair out of your face. It looks better that way." The boy next to me whispered flirtatiously, making me blush and find anything else to focus on other than the twin, so I watched Seth sit down.

"I didn't know you and Axel were together, I thought you and Demyx were-"

"I'm not gay." I interjected, my eyes narrowing at him.

"Oh, alright then." He smiled, another one that looked like he had something behind it. From my other side, Sunny popped a grape into his mouth. "I just thought so, because most guys who are cutters-" I flinched at the word this time, now that we were around other people. "-aren't straight." He said casually, as I noticed Demyx leaving with Axel, the blond looking at me until I let my eyes linger on him, and he looked away. God… he looked like he was in so much pain.

"How long you been doing it?" Sunny asked, leaning closer once again, so he could whisper it, probably trying to make me feel more comfortable, but it only made chills go down my spine, and a blush to raise to my cheeks as his warm breath brushed my skin. "I've been doing it since I was thirteen." My head snapped towards him, because… that just couldn't be.

"What?" My incredulous voice rang out carefully.

"We've all got issues here. Matt is bulimic, Josh is an addict, Xavier and Louis are anorexic-" after he said that, I did notice they had no food. "Damian, Seth, Demetri and I, are all cutters. Well, Demetri is a little worse off; he's more of a ripper." I didn't know what that was, but I could picture it since he put him in the same category as us. I couldn't imagine the pain in skinning myself little by little. It made me tremor the more I thought about it. "Oh, and Axel, he used to be suicidal, close to cutting, but he was too much of a sissy." He said, like cutting was something brave that you could do. I wasn't that bad to know that cutting was sick. It was a coward's way out. I was shocked though, by all the information, I had thought this was a normal group of people, sure Seth was weird, but they all seemed fine… until now. God, they were just as fucked up as I was.

The rest of the breakfast was fairly uneventful, I ended up talking to every person, and every so often, I looked over to where Demyx had been sitting. Now only Riku and the brunet twin -who was really not a twin- were watching me. Like hawks it seemed. I ended up trying to slip away and hide somewhere, but Seth, Damian and Sunny decided to follow me.

"Hey, you should come to our room," Sunny said with a smile -a gorgeous one might I add. So, I went with them. He explained on the way that he and Damian shared a room since they were brothers. He said it came in handy sometimes, I didn't know what he meant by that, but I didn't ask either. Their room was neat, scarily so, and it was weird. Sure, Demyx and I kept our room neat, but not so… obsessively. Damian collapsed on one of the beds, Seth sitting by him, so the other twin sat on the free bed, patting beside him for me to sit down.

So I did.

When my eyes trailed back to Seth and Damian, they were kissing, I wanted to look away, because heat was dominating all over my face, but I couldn't pull my eyes away. God… they were so… hot. I didn't feel quite as bad though, because Sunny was watching too.

"I-I think… I should go," I dragged my gaze from them and started to move off the bed when the teen with sky colored eyes gripped my wrist.

"They'll stop in a minute, you don't have to go." He smiled once again, so I sat back beside him, but they didn't stop, so we started talking. He was so funny, he just had this amazing way of talking, he spoke with his hands, and he was always smiling. I didn't know what he found wrong with him that he needed to punish himself for… but maybe he just liked to cut and he didn't need it like I did. It was wonderful just talking, but it changed so suddenly, and he was kissing me. Looking back, it couldn't have been so bad, because I kissed him back. Soon after, he pressed me down into the bed, his hands in my hair as his body perched teasingly over me. There were snickers from the other side of the room, but I ignored them, and pulled the elder down closer, wanting the feel of his body on mine.

I was so sick.

I wanted him, I wanted him badly.

Well, there went my argument that I wasn't gay, but I didn't care. The organ straining against my pants was all I could think about. As if on cue, one of his hands unlaced itself from my slate colored strands, and it roamed down my frame, cupping my erection, forcing my hips to buck into his palm, and a gasp of air to fly into my lungs. This seemed to snap me out of my horny little trance, and I remembered Demyx. Quickly, I broke the kiss and squirmed, trying to get away.

"I gotta go," I repeated about six times, in response to Seth, Damian, and Sunny's laughter. Finally the brunet let me go and I slipped away, mumbling apologies with a beat red face, pulling my guitarist's sweatshirt down to hide the hard-on that was too obvious in my skinny jeans.

"We'll see you tomorrow!" Seth called, meeting my eyes before I disappeared out the door. What the fuck had I just done…? What was Demyx going to think? God, I was such a fucking slut! I had just met Sunny for crying out loud!

"Zexion!" A familiar silver-haired voice snapped at me, making me flinch. "What the fuck are you doing?"

Hadn't I just asked myself that question?

"I don't know Riku, why do you care?" My anger wasn't there, the tone I used was bland when uttered from my lips, I was still bright red, and my heart rate was off the charts,

"Because once again, you're fucking up everything." His glare was harsh, stone cold even, and it just made me want to cry. I knew I had no right though. He was only telling me the truth. Shit, I'd be better off dead with the amount of trouble I was creating. "Seth is bad news, along with all his little friends." He told me, but I had kind of figured that one out for myself.

"Why don't you date Demyx then?" I snapped, finally regaining myself. The elder just laughed at me though.

"He wouldn't have me even if I wanted to try that."

"Then find him someone else!" I yelled, turning around and walking away, because I knew I was breaking.

"How the fuck can I when you're all the idiot wants?" He nearly screamed after me, ushering the flow of tears once again. Apparently we made enough noise to raise suspicion, because Seth was there, pulling me back to the twin's room, cradling me gently, like Demyx always did.

Sunny and Damian did a complete change in personality. Suddenly, they were caring, hushed, and they were everything I needed. Sunny held me in his lap, while Damian dried my eyes and did every possible to make me laugh, the other stroking my hair soothingly and helping out his brother. By the time Seth got back from talking to Riku, I was fine.

"Zexion, you're so cute!" He cooed at me, beckoning a sour look to pass over my face. "What?" He asked, sitting near the three of us.

"I don't think so," I mumbled, getting a chuckle from Sunny with a kiss on my cheek, a distasteful look from Damian, and an incredulous one from Seth.

"You're gorgeous." Sunny whispered against my ear.

"And precious," Damian added, poking my nose and watching with a laugh as I wrinkled it in response.

"And Sexy." Seth finished, in a tone that made me shiver. They all laughed, before Seth leaned forward and pulled our faces together I found myself craving the comfort, and wanting the feeling kissing him gave me. I was surprised as cool hands found their way up both my shirt and sweatshirt, running over my skin and brushing alone my nipples, which beckoned an unwarranted sort of moan to flow into Seth's mouth. Within seconds, there was a hand on my groin, I had to assume it was Damian's because Seth's was in my hair, Sunny's up my shirt, and mine were shaking too much. They were all attacking me and I was just sitting there, making the most embarrassing sounds. So I reached one of my hands out, and rested it on Seth's leg, tracing my fingertips up his thigh. I couldn't breath, and I felt dizzy. The boy pulled back though and held my hands until they stilled, both other boys ceasing what they were doing.

"This is how we deal. We depend on each other for comfort. Are you ready for this?" He asked while kissing the tips of my fingers.

"Do I have to stop cutting?" My voice cracked, and his green-yellow eyes poured over my face.

"No, you don't. " He kissed my hand again. "I still do it when I want." Somehow I didn't believe him, I just couldn't. For some reason, I trusted him though.

"I'm ready." I whispered, against all better judgment. Seth just smiled, and pulled me onto his lap, already kissing me as Damian and Sunny left us alone.

God… What had I just gotten myself into? What was I doing to my sweet, sweet guitarist? This was going to tear him up inside…

Maybe that's what I wanted. He needed to get someone new, someone better. Fuck, I really did love him though. I just couldn't be with him. I deserved to be with someone else that was messed up. Demyx was too good for me. I wasn't sure I could stand watching him crumble though… What was I doing?

I told myself I didn't care, but lying only makes things worse.

~ ~ !!! ~ ~

Fin with this one! I'm sorry if I made you hate me now. Lol. Well, this story is kinda keeping me going. I'm sorry if it wasn't the sexual stuff I kinda hinted at before, I just fear for what your reviews will be. Lol. I have decided to go on with this idea, I've been toying with it for a while, and the all american rejects song "swing swing" sent me over the edge one morning when I was writing this and I was stuck. I just… had to! Haha!

Don't worry though, I might fix it.

PLEASE tell me what you think.

I used to read the authors begging for reviews and I never did, I would ever like ten chapters, but as an author, you start to lose sight of even posting if there is no feed back. I treasure the reviews I get, and I take them to heart. I really do. So they never go unread, and they are never left alone. Even bad stuff. I want the good bad and ugly! Come on! I'm a big boy now!


	7. Chapter Six

Hello again, thank you for the reviews, I appreciate them. Mpre than you could ever know. Next chapter will have a quote in it! Yay! This chapter is all on Sunday, so, the next chapter is for Monday morning. Oh joy of rapture! Haha, I will have fun with the school picking back up, and it's almost the end of the year, so, stress of finals and all of that is coming up. Be ready! Ae you?!?! I'm not. Lol.

Well, enjoy, you all might like me better during this one for the most part. Who knows. I really do enjoy Seth, Sunny, and Damian. They're fun to play with. Or maybe I should say it's fun to make them toy with Zexy? Who knows. Haha, but, there will probably be a Demyx chapter, maybe very short, I'm not sure, I was just thinking of it. I'm beginning to ramble. Oh well.

Have fun!

~~~ ! ! ! ~~~

Chapter six: Zexion

Seth did not take my virginity, I was too terrified for that, and I felt dirty after the little that we did do. So, I couldn't imagine going any further. I wanted my guitarist, because he always made me feel better, Seth gave me a pocket knife though, and he said it worked better. I took it with a forced smile and a quiet thank you. I did not want to go see Demyx because I didn't think I'd be able to keep a stiff upper lip with the crawling feeling on my skin and the look he would give me. So I took a shower. I was fond of cutting within the tile walk, with the water pounding over me, but this time was different. I felt my hands begin to shake, and the new tool in my hand quivered with fear. It was heavier and much more intimidating than my pretty little shattered razor blades that were paper thin and easily hidden; this was bulky and thick. I was uncertain, yet, I still pressed it against my skin. Hard. I gasped, and watched the stream roll over my wrist, but I still pressed it down and moved it up my skin, cutting the wrong way on purpose, because it hurt. It made fear shred through my body, and my breathing went erratic. With the first slice, a strangled cry escaped my lips. The steel tore me apart much better, Seth was right about that, but it made me cry, it burnt and the cold metal was terrible. It was so distant and unkind. Cutting like this felt wrong. No, in truth, I felt wrong.

With a deep breath and a harsh swallow, I continued mutilating my pale flesh, until blood was covering it almost completely. I was afraid to do anymore, I was getting terrified I'd mess up and kill myself by accident. If I did do that, than I wanted it to be on purpose. Besides that, the pain was much more overpowering to inflict anymore upon myself. I hid it away and got clean before I wrapped a towel hurriedly around my arm. There was no one else around, thank the lord! I was still careful though as I hid the wounds and waited for them to stop bleeding. I was dressed rather quickly once the blood stopped coming anyways.

When I exited the stall I always changed in, there was still no one around, and that made me long for Demyx to be there all the more. I had messed everything up so badly though. I had wanted to. I had to stick to my guns. I had fucked things up between us on purpose. Seth, Damian and Sunny were all so alluring, but I had also been using them. I deserved to be with someone else who was fucked up. Demyx deserved so much better, but deep down there was a little voice screaming we were meant to be together. I tried my hardest to ignore that voice. The blond would know I had been cutting still, that had been why Seth had taken me in. The boy would know everything, because Ax used to be friends with these people. He would know how they worked -how I still worked. I turned out of the bathroom and realized I had no where to go. If I returned to my new 'friends', I would be in danger of putting myself in another situation I would not say no in, and if I went back to my room I risked seeing Ax, Demyx or any of their friends. I decided if I knocked on the door he might not even be there, usually when he and I had issues he went to Axel's room. So I walked up to my room, knocked awkwardly, and there was no answer, so I walked in.

It was just my luck that he was sleeping crumpled onto his bed. He looked like he was in pain, even in his sleep. God, why had I told him I loved him? I wasn't even sure if that's what the swirling emotions inside of me were. They were like the tide, they swelled and rose, only to back away, shoved down away from sight. I couldn't help feeling sorrow and self pity at how much I had hurt him. How much I had hurt myself now too. I had lied to Seth. I wasn't ready at all. Not in the least. I was frozen for a good minute or so, the door having latched shut behind me already, and all I could do was stare at his perfection. When my senses smacked me across the face as he stirred a little, I grabbed my sketch book quickly, a pencil and fresh eraser before attempting to dart out of the room. Again with my shitty luck, I tripped and fell. SPLATT. My stuff went everywhere and he sat up, breathing in a yawn and stretching as I struggled to retrieve my things.

"Ax?" He asked, I was at the door, opening it, almost out, when I heard his voice lament my name in the worst tone I had ever heard him use. The pain in his voice was so apparent and it stabbed me in the heart, but I kept going. I needed to get away. "No! Zexion wait!" He called after me loudly, following behind quickly. God, why whip someone who was already falling into tatters? He caught me -obviously- he was taller and better acquainted with a nice little biological thing called muscle than I was. The blond didn't try to force a fake mask of happiness or anything like that, he was truthful right now, and he was angry and hurt. There were other emotions sliding over his features, but I couldn't read them right.

"Demyx, don't do this." I warned, watching his beautiful face crumple into misery. Shit people were starring.

"How can you just do this?" He asked, his voice both thick and breaking, like he was going to start crying. He was so good at hiding his emotions usually. God, why couldn't he do it this time? Just for me... Why couldn't this all be a dream? I needed to die. I just needed that in the moment I had been standing there watching him fight back tears. I wished I had kept cutting, and I wished I had not been so afraid of death. It couldn't be worse than seeing him like this.

"Don't do this Demyx." I meant for my voice to be a warning again, but the words were soft and timid. I wanted to run away, but I knew he'd only follow. "Please Demyx... please." The feeling crawling all over me was worse than the one I had directly after Seth and I had done those things. This was disgust at that, myself in general, and horrible waves or regret that were crashing over my mind.

"No Zexion." The usual way he said my name was gone. It was replaced by something that sounded like he was in need of puking. Anger. He said it like he wanted to get rid of the diseased syllables. "I'm not fucking letting you do this!" I couldn't recall a time when he had yelled at me. He was so miserable looking though, and he was clearly going through a rush of emotions.

"You don't have a choice, I already did it." Forcing a glare was harder than I thought it would be, but I was fighting against myself. Half of me wanted to make things better, and the other half knew he should hate me. That half was the smarter. I needed to protect him from me, so I had to make him hate me no matter how much it hurt us both at the time. He was amazing. He'd move on eventually. He could get anyone he wanted. I had no doubt in that. He just couldn't have me. I would destroy him.

"How can you just... say what you did last night... and then... and then-"

"Then what? You don't even know!" I really felt wrong being mean, it was beginning to make me feel physically sick with all the problems swirling around my own mind. "I could have had my mouth around his cock and you would-"

"But you didn't." He was too confident about that, and he gripped the arm I had not cut on, he knew which I always did more on, so obviously he knew I had been cutting again. I didn't fight him, two reasons, there was no way would win, and also because... I didn't want to admit I wanted to go with him. Not at that point anyways. He shoved me into the room roughly, grabbing my sketchbook and chucking it against a wall with a loud clap before it crashed to the floor, open. "Give me back my fucking sweatshirt." He barked out, while pacing the room, pulling on his hair a little, going crazy internally I could tell. I'd been there once, wanting to just rip my hair out, as if it had been the thing causing my issues. I was scared, so I removed it and looked carefully at him. I had never seen him show this much feeling. What had I done to him?

I had betrayed him. That's what I had done. I had given him hope only to tear it into shreds the next day. His face was still dry, but I was not sure if that was really good or bad...

"Demyx I don-"

"Shut up!" So I did. He tried to contain everything for about forty seconds, before it exploded from him. "If you wanted to fuck around you could have just asked me! I would have given you anything you asked for!"

"Demyx I-"

"Seth is a fucking asshole! Show me your cuts." He glared abruptly, making my heart skip a panicked beat, as I hesitated. "Now!" I flinched from him but did as he instructed, rolling up both sleeves, feeling dizzy with the blood that rushed to my head along with the fear possessing me completely now. God what was he going to think? All my bloody scabs were revealed to him, along with the still open gash from the minutes previous. "My God Zexion, what did you do...?" I watched the tears glitter in place as his hand covered the lower half of his face, and as they spilt over. He closed his twin oceans for a few moments before he opened them again, wiping the glistening drops away, but they didn't stop. His fingers traced the air over the array of cuts, one of his hands holing mine, on the arm I always cut more on. The knot in my stomach was threatening to beckon whatever I had eaten last to show it's face again. The worst part of this, was not the horrible notion that he was looking at the markings on my skin, but, the tears that were freely falling over his face. He had never cried in front of me before. I praised what ever power there was out there that he didn't know about my legs. He pulled away suddenly, wiping his face and composing himself before he looked at me once again. "Do it.," his voice rung out unnervingly, one of his hands wandered to push up his sleeve, and he offered the brilliantly unblemished skin to me. "Cut me."

Horror passed through me as I gaped at him, trying to decide he had really said those words. When he did not pull his sleeve down again, I stumbled back a few steps.

"No," I struggled to get the syllable out as I shook my head.

"Then give m the thing you used. I'll do it myself." He advanced on me, looking angry still. I wished I had not lied to him, or gone off with Seth. I could have stayed with Demyx and none of this would have happened.

"No, Demyx, stop it, you don't know... Please just.... No." I was pleading now, but he wasn't listening.

"Shut the fuck up and give it to me." His pretty blue eyes were hardened and cold with anger. I wish I could say I kept a stiff upper lip, but I backed up and let myself sit onto his bed before I broke into tears.

"Demyx, please, just stop it, please." I begged him, covering my eyes while I cried, trying to hide.

"No, if it's so great for you why the fuck can't you let me?" I tried answering, but the words were pathetic, so they came out as a garbled mess of my soft sobs. "What?" He insisted, his voice still dripping with venom.

"Because it's beneath you!" I finally screamed at him, my hand flying away from my face, as I strained to get the words out, and then I wrapped them around my shins, trying to make myself as small as possible. My face was on my knees, hidden by the limbs and my hair as it was all over the place. Maybe if I had succeeded in making myself as small as I had been trying, I would have just disappeared. Hopes were not what would get me there though.

He just watched me cry for a little, before his voice found the words to formulate his thoughts. His tone when he let the syllables flow from his pretty, pretty mouth, was something along the lines of realization and deep sorrow.

"Zexion… you think that I'm above you? That I deserve better?" He got the nail straight on the head, and I didn't move really, but the tears spilt faster and my breathing labored. I hadn't ever said it out loud, it was odd to hear something in his voice, it was like law, I couldn't escape the spiral that the words sent me into. It was horrifying the way he could effect me so much, even though I had been thinking that same thing aa along. "You're not… Zexion, you have no idea how much I've been messed up before, I just deal with it differently." He tried to get me to think differently, but there was no way he'd be able to do that.

"Demyx, don't lie, just stop it, let me go…" I whispered harshly, as my throat closed in around the words.

"I can't… You don't understand. I could never just let you go." His pleading was like a knife through my heart, but I couldn't bear to deal with it anymore.

"I need to go see Seth, I need you to leave me alone." I whispered wiping my face, but I couldn't stop crying, it was so pathetic, I just fled the room, leaving him stunned in my wake. I didn't even remember to take my sketchbook.

I made my way to Sunny's room, because the twins were just as good as Seth, maybe even better. They had some sort of connection with me, they made me stop and look at them… Almost like how everything with Demyx and I was. I could see my self with them. If in fact I could truly ever see myself with anyone in reality.

~~~ ! ! ! ~~~

Done with this one. Yay! Sorry it took longer than I was hoping. Something did come up, but that's life… I'm in a rather somber mood, and I've been doing a few things differently within my own life, so I'm saying this in advance, I probably will slow my postings. I'm hoping that I will not, but, I'm doubting that I will keep this pace.

On another note, thank you for the reviews. They keep me going, and they make me very happy. Please tell me what you think.

Also, I am going to be starting a new fanfic, an AU also, but this one is set more… normal. And there is no little "reincarnation" thing like in this. It will probably be a Zexym, but right now, it's just based on a vagrant thought that passed through my brain. So no final idea yet, just an inkling.


	8. Chapter Seven

Okay, well, this is probably going to be a short chapter, in my mind, there are only two things I want to say in this one, but, I have a way with stretching one or two things about thirty miles long. When I have the energy and I do at this second, but, I can not say that will last throughout the whole document. Oh well. Not much I can say here, I have to give special thanks to my reviewers. I respond to you all on a one on one basis, but, I feel the need to say, all of those who have reviewed, have put something into this story. Even if you just dropped me a line saying that I was doing well. You gave me a craving to strive for more compliments, and those who offer to help, or offer some sort or critique, I have to say, that I am eternally grateful. I am working to make this better, and I hope it has improved in some way.

Here are my favorite people (in regards to this site, lol, only for my writing too.) X Fugi X, blinartist12345, Li Huo, foreverxXxsamexXx, and I do believe those are it, I haven't checked my email in a few days, so I only know those who have sent me a message about a week ago, or have reviewed. Thank you to everyone, even if you read, lol, I am forever checking my stats.

Please know this: This is a chapter in Demyx's point of view. I decided to do it.

Enjoy.

~ ~ ! ! ~ ~

Chapter Seven: Demyx

I had no idea how he had woken up, I didn't know if he greeted the world with a somber stare filled with distaste, or if the barest of grins glimmered over his pretty petal-pink lips. I think if he had roused himself from sleep with a smile on his face, that in itself would have killed me. I was not privileged with an inkling of how he felt though, the only thing I knew, was that my own face was contorted in pain as my alarm clock screamed into the otherwise empty room. I was so cold too, it was almost as if my blood had frozen, and I was just waiting for reality to come back, and warm my flesh. My little light was gone, and the sun had vanished from my life. Quite literally, I noticed as my legs carried me to the showers and past a window. I had learnt in English classes previous, that nature usually was a mimic to how man felt. If so, the lightning that flew down from the darkened clouds and the booming thunder fit how I felt just perfectly. Zexion had been afraid of lightning storms in our previous life, I could remember many times, holding him as he had shuddered under our blankets. I wondered if it was the same in this life. I had stood at the window for quite some time, because the halls were getting busy, and Axel was there quite suddenly, with one of his hands surrounding my shoulders. Today was our first day back from vacation, and a wondrous start it was.

"Come on, we gotta keep you smelling good." The red head teased very softly, knowing I was fragile right now, but he was trying to lighten the mood. God bless Axel. I followed him as he led me to the showers, and then we parted, he let me shower alone, and he took his own, he finished before me, and when I got out, with a fluffy white towel around my waist, he was already in his jeans, shirtless in front of a mirror as he attempted to dry his bright red mop. I wandered nearer to him and sat on the counter silently. He knew nothing of what had happened. I hadn't gone to tell him, but somehow he knew something had indeed happened. I was far from myself. I hadn't even spoken a single word yet.

"Axel?" I beckoned softly, not looking at him yet, my hands picking at the terrycloth covering my thighs. He looked at me, not used to me using his full name, he placed down his brush, and focused all his attention onto me. I in-hailed very lightly, and closed my eyes, before deciding to ask what I was thinking. I just stared at the floor though, until one of his hands trailed through my hair in a soothing way, reminding me gently and without pressure that he was waiting.

"What is it Demyx?" He asked very caringly, but quiet enough so that no one else would hear; the showers were beginning to get crowded as well, we had been there for a long time…

"Will you take me back... please?" I managed to get out, knowing that it wasn't going to really help much, but I needed the connection with someone, and the pyro and I had dated before. He was quiet for a while, his hands having fallen down to his sides. It was such a long wait that I looked up at him and his eyes were closed. "Axel?"

"I heard you Demyx..." He trailed off quietly. I didn't know the position I had just put him in. I hadn't thought that he might not want to reject me due to my already weak state of mind, and I didn't really think that he would be as lonely as he was. I had only been thinking of myself at that point. He opened his eyes a few moments later, a smile looking so wrong as he forced it onto his lips, and in a stressed manner, he brushed his fingers back through his hair. I knew he was uncomfortable then, not simply thinking like he had been before I had beckoned his attention again, he looked slightly nervous as he tried to say what he wanted. "I... I don't know what happened with Zexion yesterday, but fire and water don't mix..." He said with a twinge of regret in his voice.

"Axel, please..." I said with a horrifying realization that he was rejecting me. I had not expected that somehow…

"Demyx, what will happen if Zexion comes back to you?"

"I don't care." I lied stubbornly. In reality, I did not think that Zexion would come back to me for anything. He thought I was perfect, if only he could see me begging my best friend to be with me, just so I wouldn't be alone. Ax was not my Zexy, not at all, but the comfort was all I needed. It was really pathetic that I was so willing to use the only person who had never left me alone when I needed someone, even when he had been slipping under.

"Don't lie to me Demyx; I don't think that us getting back together would be the best idea becau-"

"Zexion isn't going to come back. It's over. We're done. That's the end of that. We'll never have anything again. I can't deal with him. He can't stand me, we won't work out, ever, and we're too different now." I blurted out with more venom than I had intended, getting a few stares as I burst out into tears again, the pain jabbing into my chest was too much to handle. As I cried Axel pulled me to him, and escorted me to my room once more holding our clothing and me. Jesus, it still smelt like Zexion when the door was opened, I couldn't get away from him. The red head brought me to my own bed, kneeling before me, and brushing my hair from my face as I spent my time bawling.

"Alright." He whispered after a while.

"What?" I asked stupidly, wiping my face feverishly, sniffling and acting all too much like my biblophile. He cried at the drop of a hat, and true, I had every right to cry now, the pain was festering inside me, slowly poisoning everything I had, but I was becoming so weak. I was acting like a sniveling baby.

"I'll take you back." He said with a small frown, but I didn't care because I just smiled, and my tears fell a bit more before I moved off the bed and knelt half on him, in my clumsiness and wish to hug him. It was just a tad awkward due to my outfit of a towel, but I didn't pay attention though, because my wet cheeks were buried in the crook of his shoulder, while he rubbed my bare back gently, and kissed the side of my head, just like I would have done to Zexion. He was silent as he calmed me down, and his hands ran vagrant through my hair and over my back like he always did when trying to console me. I thanked the Lord that Axel was there, and that I had someone to devote my time to. We already had a great foundation as it was, so why not bring it up into something more? I could spend the rest of my life with him, he was my best friend, he was the one who had been there for me since fifth grade, and so what if I wasn't passionately in love with him like I was with the slate-haired boy? I still loved him, and that was all that counted. I just couldn't picture us kissing and being a couple, but I could remember when we had been like that, and it would be fine once it all happened. I would never be able to forget about Zexion, but I'd have to live without him. After a while, I pulled back from the pyro, and smiled a little.

"We should get going... school should be starting." I said finally, forcing a smile, and he just nodded, we sat there just looking at each other, almost like we were going to kiss, but neither of us could move any closer, it just didn't feel exactly right.

"Axel?"

"Mh?" He replied softly, with a brow raised to make the syllable seem like a question, his eyes never once straying from mine. God, I wished I loved him as much as I loved Zexion.

"Will you kiss me?" He didn't answer verbally, he just slid his lips against mine, and everything was okay. As he kissed me, all my thoughts fled from my body, but he pulled back and told me we had to go to school. Our kissing was like a sweet void, and I wondered if that was how Seth was for Zexion, and absence from everything… The pyro was distant in a way, still affectionate, but he seemed nervous. Or afraid... We went to breakfast in silence, and the table was sparsely inhabited, Sora and Roxas having already left, so it was only Riku there. I sat down a seat away from the silvery haired boy, and Axel sat next to me.

"We have to go to homeroom for our second half classes." We were reminded, as my eyes found Zexion sitting with Sunny and Damian, smack dab in between them actually. Axel caught me watching them, and he gripped my hand, so we sat through breakfast holding hands. Suspicious? Yes. Riku said nothing though.

Out of seven periods, only three of mine changed, the others were full year classes. The paper I held in my hands had read:

1. Algebra II 2. Standard Chemistry 3. Psychology 4. Study 5. History 6. English 7. Art

My psychology, study hall, and art classes were all new, and they scared me. I wondered if we'd have any classes together. I wandered down to my math class though, and spotted him in the hall, he was with Seth this time, that sent a pang of rage and renewed sadness through me. The black haired boy was smiling, and our eyes met, but Zexion seemed oblivious, sadly, I looked away first, and the elder cutter won. He had everything… My Zexion, my pride, and he was crushing every ounce of happiness I had. It was a long day, and by the end I hadn't seen the book worm again, until I walked into study and he was calmly reading a book, thankfully he didn't see me, but I moved along around the room, and I hid somewhere behind him. It was almost like he had sensors or something though, because he turned around and looked at me. Maybe it was just the fact that I had been watching him for a while, and my focus on him had prickled his sixth sense or something. I looked down very quickly though, and he looked away and back to his book just as hurriedly. It was torture to watch him flip through the pages of his book, the tips of his finger lingering on the sheets, running down them slowly, as he read each line. I wished we could curl up, and he'd let his hands trace over my face as we kissed. I moved a bit, just so I could see him better, and he froze for a second, looking at me out of the corner of his eyes. I was good at acting though, I pretended like I needed the dictionary sitting on the desk, and he relaxed a little. That single reaction told me that he was paying attention to me though. After a while, he resumed his reading at the pace he had been previous to my seat exchange, and now I could see that he was ensuring his chapped lips stayed that way, as he nibbled on them absently. I wanted to stop him, and run my fingers over the skin, before slipping my own over his, to kiss the hurt better. Art was the same way. Every time our eyes met, pain tore through me, and I felt like I'd start sobbing again. At the end of the day, I went to Axel's room, and we cuddled onto his bed. The pyro held me tightly as we slept, and everything seemed a little okay... A tiny bit anyways. I still wanted him so bad, I needed Zexion so much. He was my everything, the sun, the moon, the stars and flowers… He was my life, and he had just thrown me away… And for what? Misery and self hate? I wished I could fix him, I wished he'd let me try…

~ ~ ! ! ~ ~

That's the end of this chapter. Short I know, sorry about it, and I am well aware it sucks, I actually got rather sick once I began writing this, and my brain isn't all into it, I'll have a better chapter next time, as soon as I find out where I left my brain last.

Please review. I need it.


	9. Chapter Eight

Ello ello again. Well, here is another little segment of my mind for you. I have no idea exactly how to do what I want to in this chapter, because I decided my two ideas were bad, so this is going on something that I wrote a little of, and now I'm just going to expand the idea.

Oh, and just before you read, sorry for the Sora bashing that will be fragmented through here, I love Sora personally. Haha, so there will be nicer moments, I just doubt I'll put them in this chappy ^^

Thanks again for reviewing. I actually was in my school library after hours, and I read blindartist12345's and I burst out laughing. Thank god I'm great friends with the librarian. But thank you for that, and X fugi X's reply made me laugh as well, just not as loud. ^^ Well, I wanna get on with the writing, so stay tuned for more random babble at the end. Oh my god, speaking of which... the light lime green jelly beans are gross . don't eat them (I swear writing will make me fat when I do it around holidays).

~ ~ ! ! ~ ~

Chapter eight: Zexion

Tuesday at school was like marching through a bog of fear, pain and severe longing for something to fill the emptiness inside of my chest. Today was the day the labs were scheduled to re-open, which made tremors of terror shake down my newly outfitted body. The chemicals frightened me, and I didn't like the idea of them seeing all my cuts, even though the wound littered skin did not bother them, I was here as a foundling, in other words, an orphan. My life did not really matter to them, and I wondered sometimes if it even mattered to me.

"Zexion," Seth's voice beckoned my eyes to him, they felt oddly made up, due to the liner he had put onto me that morning, right along with the new clothing he had picked out that matched my personality much better, I had on a black tee with a red moon and stars all over it, and a crimson red thermal long sleeved top underneath. My pants were tighter than I had been wearing previously, but Sunny said I was wearing the skinnies wrong, and that they were supposed to look painted on, so now I was wearing a size zero in girls. The worst part? I could still breathe in them. I had lost so much weight I would disappear if I turned sideways. "You look great." He said for the hundredth time, and it had been nice the first few times he said it, but I was starting to wonder if he would have just started making out with me by now if we weren't sitting in the back of chemistry class. In reality, I had no doubt about that, our conversation that were not interrupted by his hormones were few and far in between. It seemed like he always had to be kissing me... But, oddly enough I had never noticed he -along with Ax and Riku- were in this class with me. I supposed I had always been so absorbed in avoiding everyone, and focusing on my work, to even notice anyone at all.

"Thanks," I mumbled, more to be polite than anything else. Sure, I was dressed how he wanted, but I wasn't that great looking. I was a fucking skeleton. Apparently that turned him on though. In a way, I wanted to gain weight now, to become unappealing to him. I knew I wouldn't though. Half the time, I couldn't bring myself to eat anything, and when I did finally, I felt sick after, as if I didn't deserve the sweet relief of hunger it gave me. I was watching Axel and the silver haired boy now, Seth left forgotten beside me, as the two in the middle of the room passed notes. Did they not want me to hear what they were talking about? Were they making fun of me? Calling me a slut? Well I was, I deserved that. I deserved what ever they wanted to say about me. I was such a horrible person, and I shouldn't have even been born. I was a pimple on the face of the earth that only ruined everything for everyone else.

"Zexion," Seth was practically begging for my attention, so I relented and forced myself to give it to him. "I have some other clothes like that, that you can have if you want, they don't fit me anymore either." His smile was so nice, but I was still waiting to find out what little lies and daggers hid behind it, simply waiting for the perfect chance to stab me in the back. Demyx never made me feel like that, his smiles always made me feel all warm inside, and I wasn't afraid to tell him when they were fake, because even though he was good at acting, I could see through it all the time. Seth was like this 24/7 so it made me wonder once again, if it was simply how he was. I was probably over reacting like usual, he was my friend after all, he was just a tad fucked up, and that was probably what made him seem so fake... What did I really know? He could have simply been putting on a mask because he hated himself so much. He could have been trying to be a better person.

"Yeah, that's cool." I said with a nod when the silence between us had stretched too far. So the black haired teen babbled to me about everything, well, everything he could say with the risk of someone else hearing outside of our 'group' as he so lovingly called it. My attention strayed though, caught somewhere in between listening to the teacher over the dull whisper from beside me, and watching my pyro and his friend pass back and forth notes. When the bell for us to leave class rang, I somehow shuffled away from Seth, past Demyx and into my algebra room without getting shot by lightning and dropping dead somewhere along the way. New seats. Wondrous, and it just so happened that Axel was in this class of mine as well, and we ended up sitting together. Peachy, we said nothing, but I knew he was watching me. Third period was creative writing, I was prepared for seeing Riku, because this was one of my new classes, and I was stuck sitting near the silver haired boy as well, behind him actually. Nothing happened, and stupidly, I was beginning to think that nothing was going to happen at all during the day, except, I had forgotten study was next, and Demyx was in that class. Once I got there, I sat in the same seat as last time; he walked in just after the bell, and sat in the seat he had moved into halfway through the period the day previous. I forced my eyes to work through my algebra homework, and my pencil to scribble down the answer though, and I tried to pretend I was alone. Ignoring him was working pretty well, despite his eyes on me which only made goose bumps rise to my skin as the usual nervousness I had around him settled in. Well, I could imagine that wasn't there... until Sora and Roxas walked into the room.

"Hey Demyx!" The brunet called in a gleeful tone that made me want to vomit everything I had eaten. How he had fallen for Riku, I would never know. They were complete opposites, everything appeared as sunshine and roses to Sora, while the silver haired boy was all 'doom and gloom'. Though I supposed that was how Demyx and I were. I wondered absently if he still felt that way about Riku, but dismissed it after I missed an equation and most of their conversation, so I forced my focus back to my math homework once again, only roused from the concentration I had as they began to whisper, and my name flew out of Roxas' lips in a questioning manner. Stupidly, I turned, all three looked at me guiltily, my guitarist was the first to look away. Sora just waved stupidly and Roxas looked at Demyx. I ignored the greeting from the chipper idiot, and forced the stupid inverse variation function thing to tell me what the hell "y" equaled. When the bell rang, I stood, my books gathered in my arms, and I began towards the door, before there was a tap on my shoulder. The blue eyed hyper looking Sora stood behind me, with a wide grin on his face. Who the fuck would be so happy? Especially if they were friends with Riku...

"Let's walk to class together!" He announced, linking one of our arms, and before I could get much more then a yelp of objection out, he had begun dragging me down the hall. I didn't bother after a while, because he was shorter than me, but he was a bit stronger. Once inside the room, he sat beside me, and just smiled stupidly.

"Do you have a problem or something?" I half growled, but was smacked in the head immediately by the silver haired boy. My eyes flew up to him in a glare as he just laughed, making my face hot, and my vision stray to the brunet before falling on my stack of books.

"Don't talk to Sora that way, last time I checked you were the fucked up one here." His voice lashed out at me, but my eyes were focused on other things, so I could not see the expression that accompanied the tone.

"Ku, don't be such an ass hole all the time." Axel piped in; sitting on my other side, and Riku took a seat in front of me. I could have moved, but I was so stunned that I was having problems not asking the teacher if I could go to use the bathroom, and instead tear my arm up. I didn't want to be around them, I wanted to just curl into a ball and cry once more, but I could not, so I folded my arms on the desk and hid my face in them, ignoring anything else they said, because I really did want to cry and I had been terrified that I would have in front of them. It was like Axel had radar though, the second a tear slipped out of my shut lids, he brushed his hands through my hair and just over my shoulders, like he did for Demyx, except I didn't deserve any comfort from him. I didn't deserve it from anyone at all, because this was all my fault and what Riku said had been the truth. Besides Ax should have hated me, due to everything I was putting my guitarist through... I couldn't call him mine anymore though, the events that conspired to bring about that moment of the pyro's sweet comfort to me was the barrier I had made between Demyx and I. He was not mine to claim now. Yet the redhead was still soothing me, Axel really was the ideal picture of a friend, I didn't know how he had even been suicidal like I had been told. The lesson started though, and he had to leave me alone. My head rose after a few minutes, and I listened to the lecture. I could not remember anything I had heard though, my attention was on how boxed in I was. If I wanted to escape, or even try to, I would have been stopped. I was still frozen though, so trying to muster up the nerve to ask my muscles to do anything was useless.

"These are your seats for the rest of the year, I hope you like them." The teacher announced at the end of her lesson. "You may talk until the bell now." She ended with a smile, and I put my head down again, to avoid the three people around me. I had such horrible luck though, Axel knelt beside my desk, and the hair on the back of my neck prickled from the creepy feeling of Sora and Riku staring at me. The redhead poked me in the side, causing me to almost fall off the chair, my hands grasping the desk feverishly as I tried to remain composed. I was far too ticklish for my own good. He gave me a beautifully crooked smile, just as the tone sounded. My characteristic scowl was set in place while I grabbed my books and fled. Lunch was directly after the English class, so instead of going there, I'd go to Sunny and Damian's room, find my blade, and then work on feeling better. I was not so lucky though, as soon as I stepped out of the door, I ran into Seth, who dragged me down to get food. I could always trust him to be in the worst place at just the right time to ruin all my plans. The lunch was uneventful, I felt out of it, but I was getting more and more frightened as time went on. I was situated between the twins, and they chatted with me lightly, but my conversation skills had never been that great so the small talk died down into an uncomfortable silence between us. As soon as period seven was done, I'd have to go down to the labs. I was beginning to realize that it was looming over me, getting closer and closer as each period passed. The rest of the lunch period I spent returning my stuff to Damian and Sunny's room since I was still too afraid to go into my own. Then I was on to history, with Axel it turned out. We sat in the same row, he was in the middle, and I was seated behind him. He turned around once at the end of the class, while we waited with held breath for the tone to sound, releasing us to last period. He held his because he wanted school to end; I held mine because I was hoping to asphyxiate.

"Hey," His smile was cute, and genuine, if not slightly amazing as it filled over his petal-pink lips. I just nodded in response, and so he continued with what he wanted to talk about I supposed. "You look nervous, I mean real badly. What's wrong?" The flicker of concern his expression held alongside with a flavoring of real curiosity was too safe.

"I have a lab session today." My detached voice answered, in a blank and lifeless tone which probably gave away my fear and apprehension surrounding the whole idea. He experienced a flash of many emotions, each taking over violently, and there were too many to name really, all sub-categories of themselves, I tried to put names on each, but he moved, to brush his hair back like he usually did, and I caught a whiff of Demyx. All of my other thoughts were erased for a few seconds as I recalled the delicate warmth his arms gave me, and the crisp innocent feeling I had every time after we were together. My heart ached with sadness, and that made me force the memories away. I had rejected him, and therefore I did not have the right to curl into the scent of his cologne, or bask the beautiful glory of his grins.

"Good luck." The pyro said slowly, as the rest of the class left. I had missed our cue to leave completely.

Last period, was art. I had been dreading and looking forward to that class. I loved art, it was such a good way to wander away from the world, and to disappear within the charcoals, but Demyx was there, and his presence tugged and pulled at my attention, always making me watch him, and our eyes met too many times because the room was always filled with movement so focusing was hard it seemed. It was also last period; I was to report down to the lab after this class. It was not what I needed, not in the least.

I would go though. I had to.

He was all I could think about, so my pencil traced out the pained look he had given me in study. There were terrible strains on his delicate face, and I didn't want him to be suffering so much, but I couldn't stop it either. I did not speak a word as the class moved on, and by the time the teacher told us to put our stuff away, I was finished for the most part. The teacher had told us to just call him Leon, and the instructions he had given at the start of the class, was to try and recreate something that meant a lot to us. I had certainly done that. Demyx meant so much to me; I simply couldn't allow myself to ruin someone so perfect... I mumbled something about needing to put color in mine as I passed the light graphite picture to him.

"Zexion, this is really spectacular." The brunet grinned through the ugly scar over his face. He knew my name already? I just nodded in thanks to him, the thought of my impending hell looming over me still. Five minutes to go. "Do you mind if I hang this up?" He called after me, making the whole class look at me. I sat down, and tried making myself small and unnoticeable once again. I hated getting attention.

"Please... please don't." My voice choked out as nervousness began to strangle me. Demyx's eyes trailed over me longer than anyone else's and out of the corner of my eye I saw him get up and approach the teacher. The second the tone called out its last sad chord of the day, I was the first one that darted from the room, running from Demyx, and to my appointment with the horrid little needles...

~ ~ ! ! ~ ~

Another short one, I know I know, you hate me for it, but I'm updating a lot sooner, and I'm catching a lot more errors. I just... don't wanna give you crap because I'm really run down lately, and the shorter ones are a lot easier to handle. You know? I suppose I'm lazy, but shut up. lol. I am getting you a lot more information in a lot less time this way, I used to update only like, once a month, now it's like every week if not more than one day a week. I think working in shorter parts is better for me. It seems like better quality when it's shorter too. And it's not like a page each time; I haven't gone under two pages in a while. Since the prologue actually.

Well, I'm half asleep now. I'll edit this real quick, and get it up for you.

PLEASE REVIEW!

Thank you dolls!

Oh, and I'm sorry about the sadness etcetera and I actually have no clue how I want to end this. I want both a happy ending, and a tragedy so lol. It's a surprise, even to me.


	10. Chapter Nine

Hello! Well, I have a few things to say regarding updates:

School vacation is this upcoming Monday, and so I probably won't have much updated then. I will be writing no worries, but I won't have as much computer time because it gets limited at my house.

The week after (so on the week of Monday the 27th) I will be going to New York on a band trip (for my school) and I will be gone from Thursday to Sunday. I know this doesn't sound like it impacts the story, but I will not be writing at all during these days. Therefore, I will be behind. I will try my best to post a chapter before Wednesday night, but there are no promises. I will be at the school for 5 am Thursday, so last minute packing, early shower, and a good night's rest. All that jazz. And then, when I get back, I have a lot of stuff to do. So, I'm sorry if my updates are messed up. I have gotten into a nice pattern right now, but the next two weeks throws it all off.

I can promise you a chapter for next week though, unless something epic happens.

Last thing that will mess up my updates, I have decided as soon as editing for this chapter is done, I'm starting my other fic. It is another au (for those of you who don't know what this is (because I didn't for the longest time) it means alternate universe) with Zexym, but, it is set in a modern high school. I have a few things stuck in my brain, and they would not fit into this in any way so I have to try and handle both at the same time. It'll work, I just need to focus. Haha.

On another note, if you eat 3 cinnamon jelly beans and a milk chocolate m&m, it is amazing.

~ ~ ! ! ~ ~

Chapter nine: Demyx

The words flowed from his lips with an eloquence only someone in love could have. I didn't even know if the words mattered. The desperately pleading expression of nervousness and absolute feeling that graced his usually blank visage, and the little slurs of his tripping tongue made my heart race. I had been listening to my little cloaked schemer for only five minutes, but he completely had me. I could tell he was coming to the end of the sweet proclamations of his feelings, because an adorable smile glittered onto his face.

"So, I guess I just really missed you, and God, I love you." His voice stumbled over the words, and his breath flowed out in an excited sort of sigh. I had missed him too, I had ached every moment he was away, so I quickly connected us with a kiss, and it didn't even take him a second to react. His hands cupped my face, and pulled me closer to make sure I could not simply pull away until he was done. I slid back a little, and he followed, going all the way onto tip toes, until he was finally just too short. I chuckled lightly and pecked his lips, before I let our foreheads lean together, and I relaxed to speak. It was so tempting to just let him kiss me until we were both gasping for air, but I could not. He however did not make it easy for me to hold back the urge; his lips were parted, with the lightest bit of his breath tickling against my skin.

"I missed you too, I drove Axel up a wall with my moping," We both laughed a little at this, and his hands shifted down to my waist to bring us closer, and into a hug. My eyes were closed, as I savored his light warmth, and the alluring scent of darkness that surrounded him. One of my hands trailed into his hair, while the other stroked his cheek and my eyes opened to admire his pretty face. He moved forward again though, and pressed our lips, which I had no objections to. "I love you so much Zexion." I whispered, pecking his lips repeatedly, wanting to drink him up and save this moment forever.

That was when I woke up.

I was perched on top of my bed, lying on my stomach with a hand laid over the cover of his sketch book. I knew why he had not let me see it before, there were thirty or so pictures of me in the pages, some had Axel, and one was just a flower, but minus the plant picture, I was in every other sketch. Knowing he had drawn these all, only made my heart tremor, because he had been thinking of me all along, he had always loved me, and he must have hated all of this. He was so against an 'us' and I still didn't really understand why. I wanted him. I wanted him more than anything else in the world, and he wanted me too, but he wouldn't give either of us the privilege of having the other. If he thought he was below me, why wouldn't he let me help him get better? I didn't know... I couldn't fathom a reason, but then again, I didn't want to. If I could understand any reason, and I could validate it, then that very well could have eradicated any of my hope. I needed Zexion. It had been a month without him, and as nice as it had been to convince myself at the start I could live with just Axel, I knew so much better now. How I had even managed to stay alive and not physically crumble this long, was beyond me.

It was a Saturday, and Axel was taking me to breakfast. Right on cue, there was a knock on the door, so I sat up, and looked at the form that slid into the room, he was sickly thin, outfitted in tight jeans that left nothing to the imagination, a black shirt that clung hopelessly to his body, and he had make up on. I had watched him change, first with the clothing, and then the running off with Seth, now with the different clothing again, and eyeliner... He caught sight of me staring at him, I had not responded to the knocking, so he must have assumed I was not in the room, or I was asleep, because there was utter shock and fear on his face. I didn't react at all, it was almost as if he wasn't there really, and I was just looking at a ghost. That was how I felt. He slipped back away from the room after a moment of awkward silence, and I left, with his sketch book, going to Axel's room. Why the damn book was so important for him not to have, I wasn't sure of, but I didn't know if I'd be okay with him drawing a picture of Seth after something he had drawn of me...

My eyes stung bitterly, so I tipped my head back and blinked a lot, until the tears went away. Jesus... needed him so much. Why couldn't he see that?

Everything blurred together in a stream of movements, conversations I was on the outside of, and odd emotions that felt like they were someone else's. It was a few hours later when I was really aware of everything happening. I was on Axel's lap by that time, simply laying there on his bed with him as his fingers traced shapes over my arms. He smelt spicy, almost like cinnamon or sweetly burning wood in a fireplace, and his body was always so warm, it was different from the cooler temperatures Zexion and I had. The redhead was humming lightly, in a soothing and relaxing sort of way that made me wonder if we had been napping, or if he was soothing me to force hurtful ideas away. My thoughts never really rested though, and the comforting scene we were in, did not chase away the haunting memories, or nagging questions that sliced across my heart like a searing blade. Not for the first time, the idea of death swirled and danced just out of my grasp, and I sunk into a stream of morbid half suicidal thoughts. I sometimes wondered if the pyro was psychic, because the second I asked myself why I had not just taken my life yet, he hugged me tightly, kissed the side of my head. He didn't let go either, almost like he was afraid I'd run away. I had done the same thing to Zexion though, that night he had said he loved me, I had held him tighter, in hopes he would not vanish. He had anyways…

"I don't know what I'd do without you Demyx."

So I cried.

Later on, I was somewhere with Riku, I had no inkling as to how I had gotten in the game room, with a controller in my hand and a score of 8 casualties out of 10, but I had. Of course, the silver haired boy was going to win. I could care less though. It was a stupid game, and I couldn't even remember walking to the game room. Once I lost, I asked him if we could go back to see Axel, and he consented, not that I thought he wouldn't. No one ever seemed to be telling me no anymore, it was weird feeling sometimes, and other times I thanked the Lord. He walked with me back to our room, and he was saying something, but I had been so deep in thought -I had been daydreaming about Zexion again- that I hadn't caught anything but the last thing he said.

"-should be fun. Don't you think?" I looked at him stupidly, and he had a kind smile on his face that looked odd. Riku was not known to carry a conversation on his back if it was dying, and he had just had a full one with himself for how well I was listening. I must have looked terrible, or I must have seemed very upset, because he wasn't usually this nice, even when I was all messed up. Today seemed different. I wasn't too sure why. Maybe something had happened.

"Yeah," I nodded, just to make him feel better, or to make him think I had been listening, I didn't want to cause him to feel ignored, he was trying so hard, I just couldn't stay with it. I really had no clue what I had just agreed was fun though. He simply smiled at me again, and patted my back as he dropped me off at his and Axel's room. I felt horrible, no shard of excitement lingered, and I really didn't want to do anything, but my friends were putting in such a big effort to make me happy, I would at least try... It had been a month without oxygen, and I was only getting worse. Ax said I just needed to focus on other things. I couldn't though. Zexion was everywhere in my head.

Later, I found out what was going to be 'fun' as Riku had said. It was a little mini party with Ax, Ku, Sora, and Roxas. It was fine, most of it I spent drinking sodas and eating random junk food they brought. I actually smiled a few times, and laughed a couple of other occasions. I ended up half jumping Axel though. They thought it'd be funny to play spin the bottle and I got Axel -it was rigged I swear- and so the redhead and I ended up making out on his bed for about fifteen minutes. I figured that was their goal. Either way, I didn't mind... It was the first time I had been horny for the longest time. I attributed it to the sugar and the way Ax and I were kissing with more energy than usual, but either way, I ended with the worst erection I had had in over a month. We didn't go any further, it ended when his hand cupped my crotch, and I almost ripped his shirt off. Apparently we were getting a little too X-rated for Roxas. Then again, I was pretty sure Roxas had a crush on Axel, which made me feel bad for trying to fuck the pyro while the blond was in the room.

"Damn, you guys need to calm those teenage hormones," Riku teased, but I noticed Sora was sitting much closer than usual, and Riku had his hand on the boy's thigh. Talk about hormones. At least we were entertaining. I supposed it was my embarrassment speaking though, because usually, I was rather modest.

We went to bed around two in the morning, Axel and I were the last to fall asleep though, we watched Sora and Roxas curl up on Riku's bed, much to the silver haired boy's dismay when he returned form the bathroom and was forced to sleep on the little couch the pyro and he had made out of pillows, blankets and their many mounds of clothing. The two of us cuddle together as Riku finally dozed off, and once everyone was asleep, we kissed gently.

"It was fun," I said softly, and the smile that broke onto his face was amusing, and it made me feel a bit better. It was nothing like when I made Zexion smile though... God, why couldn't I stop thinking about him?!

"I'm glad, we miss you Demyx,"

"I'm sorry..." I said very softly, my voice dying out, I had been saying it so quietly. He just shook his head though.

"It's alright, I know I'm not the same, I know you still love him, I just don't want to see you go down the wrong path, Dem, you've been my best friend since, well, forever, and we've been through a lot. I just don't wanna see you getting sick like I was." His words were so sincere and they made me want to weep, but I could not, I didn't want to start that again.

"I know, I just wish things were different, I love you Ax, I really do but-"

"I'm your best friend. I know, I understand how it is, and if he comes back, I just want you to know I could never hate you if you left me for him." He sounded like it would still hurt a little though, and I figured in a way it would hurt him. He'd be alone again. Zexion was never coming back though. So I told Axel that and he nodded a little. "Yeah, but if, that's all I'm saying, if." He whispered kindly as he stroked my face with one of his long fingers, before he pressed our lips.

"I think Roxas likes you." I blurted out after he pulled back and I saw the small bit of shock pass over his face, before little shards of longing poked through as his eyes trailed over to the blond on the bed opposite us.

"It won't work between him and I." The pyro said very carefully. "We're opposites."

"So? Zexion and I have always been opposites." I interjected, but then the look on his face reminded me that Zexion was probably in bed with Seth right now, and I saw his point. Axel was safe for me to be with, and I was safe for him. We were cowards in a way, but it worked.

~ ~ ! ! ~ ~

I know it kinda of needs help, it is a random chapter, and it seems out of context, but the purpose it to show progression, time laps and a small view of everything from Demyx's side. Of course, next chapter should be better. I have Zexion as the p.o.v. next time.

Sadly, I have no clue what to write, I need to stall a little... but I don't want to, so, I'm either going to end up giving you part of my epic plot, or I'm just going to add something else. I'm thinking of taking part of my epic-ness and putting it in. I am not sure though, if it's too soon for something EPIC though. Haha, I'm using that word too much. I blame the Jelly beans.

Anyways, please review and tell me if you think I should go all epic on your bum-bums or if I should do little twists for now, and continue building.

I'm always open to suggestions, comments and over all feelings.

I feel like I'm begging for reviews, and I kinda am... but... PLEASE!

Alright, I'm done now; hope you weren't too thrown off by this chapter. I feel weird about it. It's just a bit shorter than the last one... lol. I also wrote it in two hours... The other took three (counting editing, at this point I'm not done with that yet, but by the time you read this, I will be so I don't know why I'm still writing.)


	11. Chapter Ten

Well hello there, I know it's been a bit I am sorry. I would have written much more, except I got really bad writer's block, so this chapter... it might be short it might not. No clue. It's 9:16 in the morning on a Friday during vacation. I will be leaving my house at five to actually do something! I never do anything, lol, but I'm going to a friend's house for the night with my bff. So, I'm hoping to get this typed up, edited and updated for you before then, and in reality, it's more like I need to do this before two so I can take a shower and do my hair. God, stupid emo hair styles take friggen forever to do. LOL. Well, they aren't supposed to, but I just started doing this one, so I'm slow still. Either way, on with the chapter.

I like this one. A lot.

OMG and Veronica, if you're reading this, I'm going to just go kill myself. =P

WARNING: I have decided since I have this rated M, that I will insert more sexual stuff, because really, the other stuff was just teasers. So from now on be warned, there will be slightly more sexual stuff. I'll put a warning on each chapter if it goes further than just little foreplay shit, but there shouldn't be too many of those, unless its flashback stuff.

Chapter ten: Zexion

I had discovered on many other occasions that most of Seth's group left on Saturday and Sunday to go home, and the teen himself went back to his house every other weekend. This was no such time. I was on Sunny's bed, mainly because he was my favored twin -he was the most like Demyx- and also because Seth was on Damian's. There was a book in front of me, open to some page in the middle, with meaningless words scribed up and down the sheet. Why were they meaningless? Well, they had no place in my mind, I read the first few sentences and then nothing made sense. My mind was lost on a far away event.

~!~ /3 ~!~

"Zexion!" Demyx nearly screeched as I turned away from him, and walked from the room. I didn't care what he thought. I wasn't going to keep him as my partner, he was dead weight on all the missions, and he was too much of a pussy. "Zexion! You can't just do that!" He was wrong, I could. The idiot blond followed me though, which I had no expected. He was a weakling, and I assumed he would curl into a ball and cry himself to sleep somewhere.

"Demyx, why don't you get it? I fucking hate you! I don't care if you live or die, you can kill yourself for all I care!" I growled at him as his hand reached out to my shoulder and I flinched away from it. The look on his face only showed me exactly how weak he was. For some reason, there was a pang of guilt I felt though. He looked broken. We weren't supposed to have emotions, and we didn't. He was just very good at acting as if he did. He was so good at it, sometimes, I wondered if he really did feel things.

"Zexion... please don't leave me."

"Why shouldn't I?" I glared coolly, but, he was starting to make an odd feeling of guilt swell in my chest.

"Because I need you. I need you to not abandon me, I'm weak, sure, I'm pathetic, yeah, you tell me all the time, but you help me so much. Please just stay with me for a little longer." He looked like he was going to cry, and that made me sigh. Why the hell was I giving in to the whiney sitarist?

"Fine, just a little longer. If you're still as annoying though, I'm going to have to kill you myself." But he just smiled and glomped me. Of all things to do! He smothered me with a hug, which I struggled against a little, but I was used to his random outbursts. This was no different from the last time he had decided to attack me with affection.

"You wouldn't do that," He laughed heartily at me, and pressed a kiss against my cheek. I should have expected that, he did it so often.

"Hey! Stop that!" I complained, pushing him away this time, but he was kissing over my neck and my back was against a wall so getting away wasn't all that easy. I wasn't so sure I wanted to though, but my other self was just as good as resisting Demyx as I was. There were silly little giggles that erupted from his lips when my hand gripped his hair, and kept his mouth there for a second before I noticed what I had just done. Jesus, that was practically an invitation! "Stop it you dumb blond. This is called harassment." I recovered quickly, before he stood back up, but not all the way, because he was eye level with me.

"It is not called harassment if you enjoy it," He grinned with a brilliant expression on his face. I had liked it. I really and truly had.

"You know I don't like things like that."

"Really? You always do something to make that statement oh so contradictory. Even if you don't like me, you like the attention I give you and-"

"Don't you dare say that last thing, I'll punch you so hard, you'll wish you had just shut your mouth." I threatened with a hard glare, and he just smiled before kissing my nose. I scrunched it up in distaste, and pushed him away, and surprisingly, he actually moved away that time. God we were so bi-polar with our moods. Why I let him do these things to me, I didn't know.

Or to say it better, I didn't want to know.

~!~ /3 ~!~

I looked up at Seth as the whole passage had once again faded into a trail of thoughts of the dream I had had during an afternoon nap earlier. I had fallen asleep thinking of the painfully dead look Demyx had given me when I entered our room. Usually I didn't go near it during daylight but, it had been an emergency. I didn't want to use Seth's blade, and I had no more of mine. There was still a stash in that room. I had been so stupid to think he would actually say something if I knocked. He was so quiet now a days. I had never gotten caught in the past month, he was usually not there, and when he was, most of the time he was asleep. It had been hard to step away from him when he looked so broken. I wanted to fix him. When I tried to escape, I had felt like I was running against the current of a river. A strong current no less. I wanted to go to him. I simply couldn't. I had used the knife Seth had given me, and thinking about all of it after the fact, I wanted the feel of harsh metal screaming against my pale skin once again.

Seth said there were three types of cutters. Attention, release, and suicidal. He said I was the type that cut for a release of thoughts and emotions, but I had already known that. I hadn't needed him to tell me. I never needed him like he needed me. He escaped sexually, and that meant he always needed someone else there, but so long as I had a sharp object, I could be fine. I was safe.

Or I had been, until I met Demyx.

"Zexion, come here," The elder beckoned, and like a trained dog, I went over to him, sitting on his lap when he patted it. Once I was sitting there, he kissed my neck, and wrapped his arms around me. I hoped we would just cuddle, but I knew the innocent embrace would end too soon, because his hands were already on the waist of my pants. "You're so amazing." He cooed as his fingers undid the button and then trailed up my shirt, the cool temperature of them making me in-hail deeply. I should have been expecting it, he wasn't warm like Demyx or I.

"Seth, can we just... not do anything tonight?" I asked softly.

"Why?" He asked with a hint of annoyance in his tone, which meant I had just crossed a line I should not have. I felt like I was betraying Demyx though, almost like I was cheating on him, even though we were not together. We had been at some point, and I still wanted it. I just didn't want to watch him sink down into a state of pity for me, and it was destroying him. I was ruining him either way though. What was the point in starving us both? I was doing much worse with Seth. I was cutting every day, multiple times a day. I had been getting better when I had been around my guitarist...

"Because... I'm just not in the mood, I'm tired." I should not have said that. A minute later, he had tossed me off of him, and onto the floor where I crumpled into a heap. "I'm sorry Seth, I didn't mean that I-"

"Shut up you whore." He spat at me, and I turned my eyes down as I knelt by his bedside. "I can't believe you. You're such a fucking worthless piece of shit."

"I'm sorry Seth, I just-"

"I don't wanna fucking hear it Zexion." He snapped, I stood up slowly, and he followed suit, making me nervous. "You know what? I don't think I give a shit what you want." He spat, stepping closer, which made me take three or so step back, but he kept advancing.

"Seth, what are you doing?" I asked as a self serving smirk placed itself on his face, and I had no doubt that the expression was genuine.

"What I should have done a month ago, you little pussy." I had backed myself against a wall now, so I started moving sideways, towards the door. He was not that stupid though, and he beat me to it, locking it, and looking at me with a look of feral lust. I knew what he was talking about now. There was no question in my mind as to what he was referring to. I had been refusing sex the whole time.

"Please... don't do this Seth, just a little longer. I promise, I do, I swear I'll give you anything else, just don't do this." Fuck, another wall. I was stuck in this square little room. He didn't answer me; he just advanced faster, his hands finding mine before he dragged my nearly anorexic form to one of the beds.

"Thank god for bandanas." He laughed darkly while taking one and tying my hands together. My struggling was useless and I was crying by this time, pleading still, but he ignored me. The sick bastard... I should have expected this, I should have known. Once my hands were secured and I had exerted a great deal of energy in fighting it, only to be punched in the face, he grabbed another and tied my hands to the headboard on the bed. The fear that tore through me was horrible, and he gagged me so I couldn't make more than a whimpering sound through the cloth. His hands were on my body, and I could almost taste the bile in my throat as I shook with sobs, trying to pull my hands free. Had he done this before? He seemed to know what he was doing...

God, I wished someone, anyone at all would come in and save me.

He was on the phone?

"Hey, he's tied up." There was a short pause before he spoke again. "Damian and Sunny's." He said with the horrible sneer of pleasure in his voice. "I will." He laughed, looking at me and stroking my hair gently. "I'll see you then." He said finally, hanging up his cell, and smirking at me. "That was Xaldin. He'll be here to see you again in thirty minutes." He cooed at me, kissing my forehead in a mockingly caring way. Xaldin. There were quick flashes, and I knew what he looked like, the dread locks in his hair, the slightly olive tone of his skin, and the muscles that had been forced over me. He had raped me before. He had been the one in the prison. How the fuck did Seth know this? Seth was no where in my memories. Jesus, I wanted to kill myself in that moment, and nothing had even happened yet. Sure, my legs were free, I could kick him, but what would that cost me?

It was too late though, because Seth was already taking off my pants, and he was perched over me.

"I'll get you ready for him." He promised, discarding my pants and pulling his down only far enough so that they wouldn't constrict him. His hands were on my sides, and very harshly, he thrusted into my opening, a strangled scream hushed by the bandana in my mouth, but tears didn't even sting my eyes as I made no attempt to hold back the stream of salt water. As my body was ravaged by him, I could barely struggled, I tried, it was instinct, but every time I writhed and tried to get away, he punched me again, until I was sure I was already starting to bruise. My face, my chest, no where was safe from his fist. So I laid there like a lifeless doll as he forced his way into my body over and over.

After an eternity of the violation, he came deep inside of me, leaving his seed there, to keep the disgusting dirty feeling on me, even more than the crawling of my skin. There were thumb prints in a deep purple on my hips, I could see that much. But I just laid my head back and tried to pretend everything was okay. I wanted someone to come and help me, I wanted to be away from here, and I wanted Demyx. Jesus, I needed my guitarist.

There was a knock at the door when Seth had finished pulling up his fly. I had forgotten about Xaldin. Everything moved too fast, it was a blur as the man came in, looking at my bloodied and bruised body. I could feel his eyes trailing over me. I wished they would just hurry up and be done so I could go somewhere, and make this all go away. He took his time though, slowly curling his hand around one of my clumps of hair, his eyes meeting my watery and red rimmed terrified ones.

"Aw, you poor little boy..." He said gently, stroking my cheek softly, before I pulled away from him harshly, not bothering with speech since everything I said came out muffled and all wrong with the stupid gag in my jaw. "Still feisty I see, I'll change that." He promised, pulling my hair and forcing me to look at him once more. God, what had I done to deserve this? I hadn't thought I was that bad, I had thought nothing like that would have happened again. How wrong was I?

"Do you want me to go dad?" Seth asked, just watching us, and suddenly, I felt ten times sicker. Father and son? God, I was so fucked. Did Axel know? Why hadn't Riku said anything? I wouldn't have listened. They had tried. I had been too stupid. I didn't want this though; I didn't want to feel so horrible again. I ached all over, and I just wanted to throw up.

"Yes, lock the door on your way out." Seth nodded and left, the click behind him leaving us alone felt like a death sentence, only that would have been welcomed. It was better than dealing with everything that was to come.

Xaldin took longer than Seth. He took his time with everything, and it was much more painful to lay under him with everything that he said. Things like: "You're so tight", "God, you're so thin", "You're mine, Demyx doesn't want you". As if he could read my mind. Of course Demyx wouldn't want me anymore. I was a filthy slut. Who would want used property? Demyx deserved better than a torn up whore. I wanted him to be done, to let me go, and even once he finished, the man laid himself half on top of me, almost crushing me under the weight. He just wiped away my tears though, and untied my gag, to kiss my lips.

"Please... please stop." I cried, wanting to get my hands free, and run away with a blade in my pocket and a shower for my destination. He glared at me, but did as I bade.

"I love you Zexion." He said softly, kissing me again, and undoing the ties on my hands. "But if you tell anyone, I will take you somewhere, deep in the woods maybe, and I'll beat you until you wish I would just kill you, and then, I might just do that." He promised.

Once I was free, and he left me in the room alone, I slipped into a pair of different boxers, grabbed some of Sunny's plaid pajama pants, and ran to the showers, trying to clean my skin, but the feeling didn't leave my body, and I only ended up crying my eyes out once more. I dried off quickly, and got into Sunny's comfortable pj's and my old thermal, before going to Demyx and my room. He was not there. I stole one of his thermals, and his sweatshirt, before curling onto my bed, with the door to our room locked. I didn't care if he had the key or not, I needed to feel a little more safe. I didn't sleep well, I cried until exhaustion passed over my body, and sleep stole me from my haunting thoughts.

~!~ /3 ~!~

Demyx and I were curled under a tree, just lying together, on a picnic blanket, under the stars. It was summer, the night was still thick with humidity, but it had begun to lift, and a cool breeze rustled the leaves on the willow we were under. It was peaceful and calm, such a difference from everything I had just been through. I found myself starving for this scene to continue, for something to happen, but Demyx and my other self just cuddled together happily. There was no conversation, and his arms around me were all that mattered...

~!~ /3 ~!~

My ears were assaulted by heavy knocking on the door, and a few cusses from what sounded like my pyro...

"Hello?" He called loudly, and I was a little more at ease so I got up, and pressed my ear to the cold wood.

"Axel?" I asked softly, my voice weak and frail, almost as fragile as I felt.

"Zexion? Yeah, it's me, will you let me in? I have Demyx with me..." He said slowly, as if afraid something he was going to say would scare me off. Demyx and Axel were safe. They had never hurt me. So I unlocked the door and opened it slowly, the hallway seemed too bright, and I sort of flinched away from the light. "Oh my god, Zexion, what happened to you?" The pyro blurted out, coming in and turning on the light, to look at me better. I hadn't seen a mirror yet. But the pain was enough to tell me I looked bad. I was stiff everywhere and I was in a good deal of pain, but they couldn't see what hurt most on my body. Hell, they couldn't see what hurt the most at all, I felt so violated and disgusting. You wouldn't be able to tell from just looking at me.

"Nothing really." I said evasively, moving back, but Axel caught me, being very gentle, as if he knew the bruises were not just on my face. Demyx's eyes were on me as he closed the door.

"Do you want me to lock this again?" His voice inquired very softly. I just nodded and so he did. His voice was just as perfect as ever, and it made me want to look at him, but how could I after everything I had done to him, and everything that had been done to me?

"Zexion," Axel said softly, his fingers running over the air just above my face, and I looked at him in the eyes for the first time. He looked so upset by it, and he must have known some of what I had gotten the marks from. I cracked. I just blinked a few times at first, but I had to look away and cover my face as I started crying once again, and he just hugged me very lightly. "Shh, oh Zexion, come on, come sit down," He mumbled, leading me to my bed, and just holding me as Demyx watched awkwardly, standing in front of us. "It's going to be okay."

"No Ax, no it isn't." I managed to get out before sobs ran vagrant through my body, and I just hugged him very tightly, clinging to the gentle warmth he provided, and hoping I wouldn't be left alone by him.

"Shh, yes, who ever hurt you; we'll make sure they can't do it again. Who was it?" He asked me, his hands running through my hair, and Demyx sat beside him.

"I can't... he said..." I just broke once more into heavy tears.

"We won't tell anyone, I promise."

"Seth and... And... Xaldin."

"You know Xaldin?" The shock was clear in Axel's voice. "I haven't seen him here yet I-"

"He's Seth's father. He was at the prison before, and this time they..." I was trying, but I didn't want Demyx to know. I was already blurting it out though. "They took turns."

"What?" He was far away, as if trying to put together all the pieces but Demyx was faster.

"Oh my God." Was all I heard from him before I hid my face in the crook of Axel's neck and tried to hide away from my guitarist.

"I feel so... disgusting." I sobbed while holding Axel all the tighter, and it finally dawned on him, because his grip on me increased, not yet hurting my sore body, I doubted I'd care much anyways, he was holding me together at the moment.

"Zexion," He said softly, kissing the side of my head. "I'm so sorry," But sorry didn't make any of it better.

"I want to kill myself." Was all I managed to get out in response before breaking down once again.

~End of the chapter~

Don't hate me.

Because I love you!

I gave a little happiness. Just a little.

God, did you really think I'd let Zexion be happy? lol.

Anyways, don't get your panties in a bunch, the story is not ending.

Review please!

Haha! I still have to edit but I wrote it in 2 and a half hours! OMG I wrote the chapter out, and it went completely different on paper, but I have to say, this is much better. I finally got out of my writer's block!

Yay!


	12. Chapter Eleven

Hello loves! Sorry this update is late, I actually... haven't thought about the story at all before last night, and sometime last week when I woke up from a dream. I know it's been a while, and a lot of you didn't like last chapter (I knew you wouldn't, but I wanted it so bad) so I feel like I've neglected you. I also didn't reply to all the reviews. I'll get on that asap. I was just very very busy. I had so much fun in New York City though. Well worth all of my money... But anyways, yeah, I think you'll like this chapter better, from what I've written so far, it's alright. I had a real bad day though, so I am going to probably do a shitty job on this one. On with the Zexym!

Oh before I forget, there is a plot... lol, I know I've kept it a little under wraps... I haven't really mentioned it at all, I've hinted like 5 times, almost said it outright twice, but that's it... There are actually two plots going right now... Sorry you couldn't see the tragic-ish love story that I blatantly threw in your face... the other I can understand you not seeing...

Chapter eleven: Demyx

That one phrase shot fear through my entire body, even though I was sure he had felt that way before now. Just hearing the words uttered in his broken voice, with tears covering his cheeks and the way... how... God. He was hiding from me, he was ashamed right? Was that it? Or did he really hate me? He couldn't hate me... Right? He had t love me, he just had to. It would make loving him a lot easier on me. It was terrifying regardless of his feelings for me, because I knew I couldn't live without at least knowing he was alive. I was shocked into a terrified state, my mouth wouldn't move, and I couldn't do anything but just stare at the pyro and my Zexion.

"No Zexion, we'd fall apart without you. We need you." He assured the crying boy who I wished was in my arms, but I was well aware he had not even looked at me yet. Did he wish I would leave? He would have said that when I asked if he wanted the door locked though... Maybe he assumed I had been planning on leaving. I wanted to help him, but what would I even say? 'Oh, please don't do that, I'm so much of a mess as it is, I would just follow you. I love you, don't leave me.' Oh yes, that was the perfect approach to the situation, nothing wrong with that at all. Not to mention he had already left me...

"You don't get it Ax I feel like-"

"I understand perfectly, what you need to realize is that you're important. Demyx and I love you more than you could ever know, and we need you to get through this. Everyone will help you, Demyx, Riku, Sora, Roxas, and me. We'll all be here for you." Ax was stroking my love's hair very slowly, his fingers caressing each strand as if they were in a relationship, as if they were lovers. Quite suddenly a deep jealousy ravaged my heart. Zexion was mine, how dare those other two fucking hurt him!? Who did they think they were, that they had any right to my cloaked schemer? I wanted to cuff them somewhere and beat them till they felt sorry for what they did, and then I wanted to kill them. It was pure rage that ran through my veins in that moment. I had never felt a strong urge to hurt another living being, until that moment. I stayed put though. I could never give them what they deserved.

"Axel," He cried, pulling himself closer to the redhead and smothering his face into the half teased and hair sprayed vibrant locks that were much too soft to actually be styled. Sickly, I wished Zexion was in my arms, crying my name, not my best friend's. I didn't want him to fight me again, I wanted him to surrender and rely on my embrace to be his sweet savior... I was beginning to doubt that would ever become a reality though. I wanted to take all his pain away and put it in a box so he wouldn't feel the pain, but that was impossible. Time passed, and Axel laid down my love, while I retreated to the other side of the room and strummed hopelessly at chords that sung perfectly just out of my reach. The slate haired teen had been watching me for a while but I wouldn't make eye contact, I felt bad, I wanted him so badly, I needed him in my arms, and I felt selfish. None of what I wanted was what he needed. What I wanted was the same as last time...

~ ~ ! ! ~ ~

"Zexion!" I called out softly, ducking under a vine of sweet smelling flowers and passing a drooping yellow flowery bush that looked almost white in the blue moonlight. I heard a small giggle from somewhere farther into the alcove entrance. God, I loved him. He came alive at night... "I'm going to get you!" I half laughed out, slinking around the garden and paying close attention for his breathing. He was a better tracker than I was. He was better at everything, but I didn't care. When turned a corner, he half tackled m, and we fell to the ground in a mass of laughter and a comfortable hug with him curled half on me, and half onto my side was how we ended up. "Look, I found you." I smiled happily, to his more wild, and horribly rare expression of energy and certain passion that made him twenty -no thirty times more attractive.

"You found me? Oh yes, that's how this happened." He smiled with another cute laugh that made me want to kiss him so badly. We both paused for a moment, as if caught in the romantic sudden thought of kissing... He snapped out of it first and only looked up at the stars as the scent of lilacs flew over us. I half thought it was the flowers, and I knew it partially just him... He always smelt like a garden.

~ ~ ! ! ~ ~

"Why did you stop playing?" He asked with a frown, and I looked directly at him, my eyes focusing back completely. "Oh... I didn't mean to stop you..." He said softly.

"What?"

"You were daydreaming... or remembering something or just thinking. I didn't mean to bring you back." Axel was asleep, and Zexion was just curled up beside him, watching me. How long had I been looking at the softly colored wood of my instrument?

"It's fine, don't worry about it..." I forced a smile, but his down turned expression didn't waver.

"What was it?"

"What?" I asked stupidly, not knowing what he meant at all.

"Were you just thinking or... stuff?" I still kind of just looked at him stupidly. It took a while for it to dawn on me what he was really asking. Had I been remembering our old life? Or was he wondering if I had been thinking about him? Who was I kidding, why would he be wondering that? His sketch book… I remembered it suddenly, and I could recall all the pictures of me in it. He loved me, God, he still loved me.

"I was remembering something. It wasn't anything big. Don't worry about it." I said with a slight flush to my cheeks. It had been something 'big' in fact, I had been remembering the night of our first kiss…

"What was it?" I had been trying to avoid that question but he had asked anyways, I should have expected that though. He was always so curious about everything.

"You really don't want to know right now Zexion." I smiled carefully, neither of us broke the eye contact, I wanted to, but at the same time, I didn't. I treasured the warm feeling that spread through my body as his cloudy blue eyes watched my own cerulean ones, and the ember that ignited in my chest once again, was too pleasing to feel. I caught fire again, and I didn't want to put out the flames, they had already been forced down into light ashes and small ember before, I had forced myself to hush my love for him, but I didn't want to after everything. I wanted to hold him in my arms, claim him as mine, and protect him from everything. I didn't want to let him go again.

"Tell me Demyx," His voice was soft, but lightly commanding in a loving way. He sat down next to me, and I just followed his face with my eyes as he scotched back and finally returned his eyes to me. I had no clue why I was so nervous. "It's okay to…"

"I… well, it's hard Zexion," I tried to force a smile but he just frowned. "I was remembering the night I knew I had fallen in love with you." I conceded, looking away from him.

"Oh… was it a nice night?" He asked very slowly, much unexpected by me.

"Yes…"

"I'm sorry Demyx, I didn't mean to hurt you." He said suddenly, with his knees brought up to his chest.

"No, don't apologize Zexion I-"

"I guess I got what I deserved for it right?" I gaped at him, completely shocked, and my guitar was pushed from my lap, as I pulled him into a hug, and the guitar fell onto the floor.

"No, never, you just deserve to be happy, don't think little of yourself. I'll be here for you, forever, I love you, and I need you. I want you to be here with me, always, even if you don't want a relationship, I just want you by my side, I can be your best friend, I want you happy." I was repeating myself, but he didn't seem to care, because he held me tightly, and just began weeping.

"Okay," His voice weakly replied.

~ ~ ! ! ~ ~

Alright, that's it this time, sorry it's so late, I've been having a LOT of person issues, and I've kinda relapsed into cutting again :/ so I'm not too sure what will happen to this story. I mean I know the path it will take, but I don't know how long the chapters will be and how much time in between each post. You know?

Review please.

Oh, and sorry, I read every review, but I just don't have the motivation to write a reply back to everyone. Sorry. Oh and sorry if there are any mistakes. I didn't edit. This has been spell checked and posted.


	13. Chapter Twelve

Is this a new chapter?!?!?! YES!!!! Haha, I'm sorry I'm so irresponsible with this, I also apologize for any errors in my writing. My beta is currently studying for her midterm exams, so I'm not going to bother her with this. I read through it twice, so I'm sure there are plenty of problems, but, I don't want to wait any longer since I've delayed enough as it is. Lol. So, at long last, ENJOY!!!!

Chapter 12: Zexion

Silence, it was all I really wanted. It was what I probably needed most, other than Demyx to keep holding me like he did. My thoughts wouldn't stop, over and over again, I saw Seth, I felt him on me… in me, and his father… my skin was crawling, and I felt dizzy. I half begged for silence, to turn off my mind for just a little, but I could not. It wouldn't go away.

The guitarist stroked my back gently, whispering soothingly in my ear but all I could hear was the sound of his voice, the actual words were engulfed by the raging current of thought tearing me apart.

"Zexion?" His voice finally broke through everything. My name, he said my name. His voice was sugar sweet, gentle, soft, loving and sincere. I closed my eyes tighter and felt how he said it, I tasted it on my tongue, and I allowed it to wash over my skin.

"Say it again," I whispered brokenly.

"What?" He was so gentle, his warm fingertips on the nape of my neck, in my hair, sending goose bumps all over my flesh.

"My name."

"Anything for you, Zexion." He was smiling, he was happy I was in his arms, safe there, he was glad I wanted to hear his voice… I was pleased by this, I hadn't seen him smile in forever. That was my fault, I had to remind myself. He was always miserable because I was slowly ruining him. I was tearing him apart. I didn't deserve to be in his lap. I was filthy, dirty, disgusting, I was used up, and he deserved someone perfect. Someone clean and untarnished by cold hatred and shattering pain. He deserved only the best… But he deserved whatever he wanted, and he wanted me to be his. I was nowhere near ready for that, but that didn't stop me from remembering that he really did want me. I tried to ignore the self hate the began swelling in my chest, it was not my fault I was dirty now. Not all my fault anyways. I had said no to Seth, I hadn't wanted him or his father. I had said no. I hadn't wanted it. It wasn't my fault. It was not my fault. It wasn't. Even in my head, I sounded hysterical. Demyx held me tighter, my shoulder half digging into his chest as my body crumpled into him more with the force of his love. He loved me. He cared. He would make me better. I had to want to get better though. I had to help him help me, he couldn't just do it all on his own. Maybe I did love him. I pulled back a little late, to see the smile, but by now it was tinged with concern and sadness. I didn't want to see him in pain. I didn't want to hurt him even more. He deserved to be happy.

How could I make him happy again?

"Don't worry about me, I'll be okay." The words flew from my mouth before my mind even had time to process them. Who was I to say that? I felt the farthest from "okay" than ever before. I had just argued with myself mentally, there was still shame for my sexuality, the pain and disgust from Seth's betrayal, and my aching heart felt almost shattered. I didn't know if I would ever really be okay, or for that matter, if I ever had been. Seeing the broken smile on Demyx's face did something though. Some random part of me snapped, and I just wanted him to be better. Was that love?

"Okay Demyx? I'll get better." I forced a hopeful look onto my face, but it didn't feel like it worked. My guitarist's eyes swelled with tears and he fought bitterly to hold them back, but he failed. Down his face, they flowed like little rivers, streams from the ocean, salty and lost, finding their way home. I stroked his hair and nuzzled into his neck, a few drops running over the nape of my own neck.

"I won't leave you." I promised against his collarbone, his arms constricting around me. I wasn't about to tell him how much pain the tight hug was causing. He clung to me hopelessly and I enjoyed the warmth. The innocence of his feelings, the cleanness between us. I forced the aches and pains of my abused body into another part of my mind, Demyx was more important, the comfort was more important. I needed this. He needed this. WE needed this. It was a long time that we stayed like that, the cool warmth of his skin heating mine where it touched. I had abandoned his sweatshirt a long while ago, when the fire in Axel threatened to suffocate me.

Even as his crying subsided, he held me just the same. After a while though, we relaxed and I rested my head on the side of his shoulder instead, my eyes closed lightly. His lips brushed a feather-light kiss upon my brow, and my eyes shot open. It was so soft, so careful…

"I won't leave you alone ever again, Zexion." He promised.

"Thank you," my voice was far away, and faint as my mind fell down a spiraling dizzying world of blackness.

^///^

His arms were around me. What happened? I opened my eyes and saw only black. Wait, no, my eyes hadn't opened… My eyes wouldn't open! What had happened?! His breathing was slightly labored. He was carrying me I could tell now, the rocking of my body was going to make me sick, but I didn't feel the bile. Both my dream self and I panicked. Why couldn't we move? Why couldn't we speak or make any other noise. Why?!

"Wake up Zexion!" His tone was frantic, layered in fear, I was on something soft now, his hands were on my face, they were on fire! No, no, I was cold like ice, they were normal. God, what had happened?

The world vanished, all sensations gone, and my other self's thoughts evaporated. I didn't have to wait long it seemed for another scene to begin.

"He's opening his eyes!" Relief soaked my sitarist's voice, and when my eyes in fact did open, his jubilant yet exhausted smile greeted me. "Hey you, we were scared." His lips were pale, his normally tanned skin looked chalky. He looked sick, but when I opened my mouth to tell him something of that effect, coughed wracked my body. He aided a warming liquid down my throat.

Blackness once more.

When I opened my eyes again, his hand was on mine, his head on the side of my bed. He was asleep, his brows furrowed painfully, his breathing uneven, ragged. He was having nightmares I could tell. My dream self weighed the options between waking him or letting him sleep but a painful sounding moan issued from his lips made the decision. Carefully, my other self gripped his fingers.

"Demyx?" The sound of my other self's voice was rough, unused and thick with sleep. The blonde stirred though, masking his hurt immediately with a relieved smile.

"Hey you." he greeted once more. "You feeling better? I made you some soup. Aerith said it would help." He encouraged, sitting up and taking a special heating pad off of the soup. "Do you want help?" He asked softly, his smile so gentle. Instinct told me to refuse. I hated him, that's what my dream self said. But slowly, he nodded and I smiled at the decision. This was it. This was how Demyx gained my affection. Somehow, he was changing my thoughts little by little. The compassion was getting inside of my dream self's heart, and changing it. He was thawing both my dream self's, and my own heart.

"What happened?" I inquired after chewing and swallowing one spoonful.

"You were hit with a poisoned dagger, it was shot from behind you, and you turned to block it, but it hit your side instead. Back up came moments later and Ax took care of the opposition. Riku helped me get you to safety." I gritted my teeth at Riku's name. The fucking prick helped save me?! I'd have to fucking kill him. "Zexion?"

"Yes?" I replied, getting called back to my partner. He was smiling in a true show of happiness. He seemed genuinely glad this time.

"I was really scared, I'm glad you're okay."

"Fear is for the weak." I snapped a little, but he only nodded in response.

"I know, that's how I knew you'd be okay, you're strong Zexion, but I was still worried. You're important to me." He was saying this all so casually while helping me to the soup that would give me some strength. He thought I was strong? He really thought I was strong? I wasn't sure I could lift a spoon right now. That was not strong.

"Thank you… Demyx." I mumbled, thinking through all of this. I had been taking on more of the enemies than I should have, to make it easier on Demyx. I had been protecting him, and now he was taking care of me, he was nurturing me. He was feeding me soup, he was sitting by my bedside nursing me back to health. No matter what I said out loud, I knew that somewhere, down past where I would recognize, I cared about him. I would not have bothered trying to keep him safe otherwise. Being such an ass to him while he was being more caring than normal… it made me guilty.

"Don't worry about it Zexy." He laughed lightly. "Do you want something to drink? I have some medicine for you."

^///^

I held onto him tighter. We made no sense together, did we? It felt right, did it have to make logical sense? It felt safe… No, it was safe, it didn't just feel like it. Demyx was safe, always, he never hurt me. He was protective, he was safety, he was love. It didn't have to make sense. My stomach unleashed a God awful roar and my cheeks turned scarlet. He let go of me, and smiled while stroking my face lightly. It was probably bruised…

"Do you want me to get you some food?"

"Did I get poisoned before?" I asked suddenly, watching confusion fall over his features like a tidal wave. "Last time… life… thing."

"Oh! Yeah, on one of our missions." He said slowly.

"How long did you stay by my bedside?"

"A week… then I had to leave." He said with a distant smile, like he was remembering a joke from long ago.

"Why?" He chortled at my question, a huge grin spreading over his softly colored lips and reaching into the depths of his pretty, pretty eyes.

"You threatened to castrate me if I didn't leave you alone."

"Was I kidding?" I asked, perplexed.

"No," he laughed more. "I think you were serious."

"I remember that!" Axel piped in, making Demyx and I jump. When had he woken up?! "You were such a charmer Zexion, it was priceless. Especially listening to Demyx whine for an hour or so after." They both laughed again, while my guitarist held me close, my confusion pushed aside as I simply relaxed into his chest.

My eyes found Axel's and the pyro's lips curled into a feline smirk.

^///^

He was smirking again, that God damnable expression. Triumph. That's what this was, triumph. He was waiting though. So I had to say something.

"Um… where's Demyx?" I asked slowly, the taunting expression in place. He shrugged fluidly.

"Why do you need him?"

"I want to talk to him?" I gritted my teeth and forced the phrase to be smooth and apathetic.

"Or do you mean kiss him?" He chuckled lightly at his own words and probably the twitch my expression gave in response.

"Do you know where he is, Axel?" I nearly barked, my cheeks turning bright red, and my hands shoving themselves into my pockets. I wanted to punch him. I wanted to hurt him for humiliating me. "I don't want to kiss him."

"Then I suppose you don't need to find him." Axel commented as an arm snaked around his stomach and a short blonde head popped out from behind him.

"Do you know where he is Roxas?" I questioned feverishly.

"Yes, I do."

"Well?!" I growled at him, tapping my foot.

"Find him yourself, you should know where to look, if you're trying to find him for the right reasons."

^///^

I blinked a few times and chewed my lip. I winced, forgetting that it had been split open. Axel looked oddly at me, raising an eyebrow.

"Is Roxas gay with Axel?" I whispered against Demyx's ear, while attempting to ignore the shiver that it sent down his spine. It was difficult to pretend I did not just receive a reaction like that though... He nodded and I licked my lip, resting my forehead on his shoulder.

Dirty, dirty, disgusting, dirty, filthy, dirty, used up, dirty slut…

"Demyx?" I raised my head, looking him in the eyes. He nodded in acknowledgment, his fingers caressing my back. Gods he was so gorgeous… I couldn't help but notice it… "If I ever try to leave you or Axel… smack me?" I suggested, cupping his face with both my hands, my thumbs rubbing across his jaw line gently. It looked like he stopped breathing, his eyes appearing slightly dazed. I slowly removed them, and he nodded cautiously, his eyes looking sad, but a small smile was on his lips.

"Could I have that pleasure?" The pyro inquired, lessening the awkward mood that had set in heavily. Demyx laughed, shaking off the painful expression, and I smiled mildly.

The day passed as such, awkward moments, Axel making it all okay, they convinced me to go to lunch, which was fine, I stayed close to Demyx the whole time, never leaving his side, and once we were back in our room, I curled onto his lap once more. Axel looked lonely on my bed. I wanted to do something about it. I wanted to make Roxas come in here, because they were together before right? So they had to still love each other. Right? I had never seen them together…

I closed my eyes, and the emptiness of sleep took over, and for once, it stayed empty and blank.

! ! ! ! ! !

Okay! I'm SOOO sorry I have been gone for so long! I really am! I've been trying to write too but everything was just complete and utter shit. Except this is the best of what I have, and I actually kind of like it. I dunno, you be the judge. I have a few little things coming up that I've had planned but I'm not all too sure where to go from here. I wrote a start to the next chapter already (actually it was part of this chapter, but I haven't formally introduced Riku, Sora, or Roxas yet, especially Roxas, so I want to do that before I toss them in. As you can see, Riku and Sora are a couple, along with Axel and Roxas, sorta. You will see. ANYWAYS! Lol J just let me know what you think, be honest please, and I promise I will have an update a lot sooner this time.

Also! I am going to be doing another KH fic, not sure if it's going to be Zexym or if I'm going to have a different couple (I love Axel so I'm thinking of having him as a main character, although I don't particularly have a preference to his coupling so im open to suggestions here as well) but this is going to be a fic focusing on ED (eating disorders) because I was surprised at how few I found. And I didn't particularly enjoy the ones that I did find. That's not saying much though, I'm a picky reader. Lol. But I promise promise promise you I will be around more!!!!! 3 Till next time!


	14. Chapter Thirteen

Hey!!! An update that is actually on time!!! It's a miracle huh? Oh well =] what can I say? I got a net book! So now, I will be able to write and type up everything much faster because before, not only was I functioning on like… barely having time or sanity to write, but I also had to fight my way to the family computer. So now, I have unlimited typing time!!! Yay! I am now limited only by the fact that I am always half asleep, and my homework/writing inspirations.

I'd like to send a special thanks to:

FrankIeroRules for being so awesome and amazing all the time! Ahaha you make me smile, and entertain me when I'm bored =]  
Luckless-is-me  
and  
Akarui Siren

Reviews are much appreciated! But......  
On with the chapter!! =]

! ! ! !

Chapter 13: Demyx

He was still a mystery to me. I could know everything there was to know about him, and he'd still find ways to surprise me. The silly little emo was such an intricate portrait. For days and months you could study him and still not fully take in all of his form. I gazed lazily at his sleeping body. There was a serene expression on his face, calm, relaxed… it was almost never like that when he was awake… He shifted slowly and mumbled my name. My name! He was dreaming about me…

That felt good.

"I'm sorry Demyx." Axel's sullen voice rang out from across the room. He was lonely, and only around me would he show it. Guilt slammed into me for that. I was making him more lonely than he had to be. I was my fault that he was like that, I had left him the moment Zexion asked for my embrace. I had abandoned the one person who had never abandoned me. What kind of friend did that?

"Why are you apologizing? You did nothing Ax." I said rationally, my voice sleepy, because truly, I was tired, and it was getting to me. Zexion was so warm against my body, I was relaxed to a point, more relaxed than I had been in a while, and I was a lot happier than I had been in a while too. I wanted to sleep.

"Dem… D… Demy…." The sleeping bundle in my arms called out softly in his sleep, the emo boy's lips curled into a delicate smile, the likes of which were shown rarely on his face while he was not dreaming.

"I knew he'd hurt Zexion, this is all my-"

"No." Maybe my tone was a little too hash, but he choked on his words, looking at the wall, one hand on his stomach, the other in his flame-like hair. He was emotional, and I knew he was passionate but it was bad when he started hiding things. Was he ashamed? Did he feel so guilty that he didn't think he could meet my gaze? "It's not your fault Axel, not at all. I'm sorry I just left you and-"

"He needed you. He needs you. All of us knew that, but it finally became real to him. He's accepted it and I knew that it was going to happen sooner or later. At the rate you were going, I was hoping for sooner. It doesn't hurt Dem, really, it doesn't. It hurt more to watch you fade in and out of reality. I'm happy he's back… I just wish that I could have stopped him from endangering himself like he did. I knew Seth, and I knew what he was capable of…" The other trailed off a little, sighing, and looking at the slate haired schemer whose body was turned into my own.

"You tried Axel, he wouldn't listen." I said with a soft sort of smile, hoping it would catch on. It usually did.

"I should have tried harder." His mood was decaying even more, I had to stop it.

"Zexion is stubborn, it wouldn't have done anything."

Silence prevailed for a while after, in which I simply watched my best friend, and listened to the love of my life, no… lives, sleeping in my arms. I smiled carefully to myself. I had to, who else would smile if not me? Axel was a sleaze, I was an airhead, Zexy was intellectual and everyone else had their own qualities. If one of us strayed from it, we were screwed. We would who we were. We would lose what kept the group together. We would lose each other.

The illusionist shifted in my grasp and stirred, waking slowly from his dream land. What had he been dreaming of? Me, I hoped anyways, he had been saying my name… He had been calling to me in his sleep. I was honored.

"Demyx?" His curious tone betrayed a bit of fear while he cutely rubbed his eyes. I wished he was mine, and I wished that I could make everything better for him.

"I'm right here," I cooed softly, while hugging him tighter. He made a soft mewing sound and nodded, before nuzzling his face back into my chest. I would protect him. I was strong enough to do that. I was going to make him feel so safe…

"That's good, I'm glad." He whispered, his breathe hot through my shirt. He stayed there for a few minutes, letting me trace patterns over his back, my fingers sifting through his hair, and my ears fine tuned so that I could catch the sound of his breathing. When he finally moved, we parted, and he stood, a little wobbly.

"Tylenol?" His voice was cracking, something was going on in his head. Sometimes I wished I could just shut his brain off. He hurt himself so much just because he continuously thought about everything.

"Yeah, one minute." I replied, ducking under my bed, and producing a bottle. How sore was he? I felt my heart's strings pulling in every direction, all aching. Axel was watching him too, gauging his reactions and movements.

"Thanks Demyx," his hoarse voice replied, his face blank.

"Don't worry."

"Will you come with me? One of you?" He requested, moving towards the door, his fingers around the knob, but not turning it, not even griping it tightly. Axel and looked at each other.

"Who do you want to go with you?" Axel asked the boy finally, who chewed his lip, despite the initial wince, because the skin there was still torn open. I wanted to tell him to stop.

"Will you Ax?" The pyro nodded in response to the request, and stood. The schemer's eyes found mine and I remembered why he was nicknamed the schemer. He looked like he was up to something, underneath all of the pain, but I could not tell for sure.

//// Time Lapse \\\\

How had they talked me into this? I was more nervous than I was letting on, that went without saying though. Someone who knew me could tell that I was not as "calm" as I appeared. My neck muscles were too tense, I could feel that, my hands were shoved into my pockets, and my gaze was too lazy. I seemed les and less like myself. Maybe I was acting like Roxas. Funny, he was the one Zexion and Axel conned me into going to see. In our past life, I had never suspected Axel and Roxas of having any real relationship, but Zexion had always insisted that they did, and Axel said they didn't. It was difficult to say who was telling the truth. My lover had always hidden behind books with Roxas, whispering secrets to each other like little school girls, while Ax and I simply avoided talking about our personal relationships too much. Everything was different in this life. Axel had told me all of it. How he had always chased after the blond, but been rejected each time, except when Roxas chose to be in a cuddly mood, or when they shared a casual sort of sexual encounter. Whenever emotions got involved, Roxas took two steps backwards.

To the current task at hand though, I had been the lucky one chosen to convince the blond boy that studying was not going to do him any good, but coming to hang out with Axel and I was going to be very beneficial. He'd see through me in a heart beat. He just worked like that. I was at the room before I was ready, and I knocked too quickly, happy enough to get this over with quickly,

"Be right there!" Sora's voice rang out, scrambling inside the room showing that either, Roxas was not there and I was interrupting Riku and the hyper-active brunette, or that Sora had attacked Roxas like the boy sometimes did. When he opened the door, I was rewarded with the sight of Roxas with his hair ruffled, cheeks flushed, and trying to brush off his clothing with an overly perky Sora beside him.

"Oh! Demyx!" He giggled, as his pseudo twin came up beside him. "You're just in time for our tickle fight!" He beamed up at me, and I laughed lightly. He was such a little kid…

"Well, actually, I wanted to talk to Roxas for a little bit," I smiled easily, shifting my weight from foot to foot, curling my tongue in my mouth, and receiving a slow look of curiosity from the other boy.

"I'll be back later." He told the brunette who smiled, and nodded.

"I'll go find Riku!" He giggled again, and both slipped into their shoes, before leaving, one sticking with me, the other waving as he went to go find his boyfriend.

"You look better." Roxas commented once the younger of them was out of hearing range. "What happened?" I couldn't help but hear a small amount of bitterness in his voice.

"Zexion came back," I explained softly, focusing on getting in step with him, anything but looking him in the eyes, but his cold eyes instantly found me.

"So you need someone to play house for Axel? I'm the second best now, is that what this is?" He snapped, and I resisted flinching, before turning to look at him where he had halted. I knew he'd see through it. Hell, they knew he would too, that's why they sent me…

"I'm getting you for Zexion, he wanted to talk to you, I don't know if that's what this is about, he had a new memory in a dream I think. He didn't tell me, and I won't question him right now." I admitted softly. At least I was being truthful, I had an inkling that Axel was why Zexion wanted to speak with Roxas, but he had been close to the blond in our past life. Who was I to say he didn't simply want his friends around him after all that had happened?

"You never question him."

"Yes I do!" I pouted blatantly at him, my lower lip quivering in a way that Zexy used to describe as adorable, when he wasn't in a bad mood anyways. Roxas rolled his eyes a little.

"Demyx, please, don't disgust me, save the puppy dog shit for the schemer." He started walking again, and I had to hop a little to catch up, but once in line with him, I stayed there easily. He was a moody one, but it was alright, because his moods were normally placid, he was simply on edge from Sora attacking him with what the brunette called affection.

"Be careful with him, okay?" I asked softly, my gaze focused on the blond, whose face softened.

"He was my best friend besides Sora, of course I'm going to be careful with him. Axel on the other hand-"

"Misses you and was only with me to help keep me from jumping off the edge."

"Even still, Demyx, have you told Zexion about Axel and you?" He was frowning deeply at me and I had to look away, a little ashamed. "Do you think he's going to feel good about that? He will understand, but you have to understand what that feels like, the betrayal of it."

"No, I haven't, but you'll understand when you see him… And I do understand he feelings there but do you understand the other side of it?"

The door was right in front of us, so I motioned Roxas enter first, his softly sun kissed hand, pushed it open to reveal that Zexion was not on my bed anymore, but curled up with Axel, reading a book. They both looked up when we entered. I didn't know what to say, I didn't know how to react, but Zexion looked at him, and then me.

The way he looked at me, it made me melt. His face was still covered in little bruises, and his lip was still split open but it didn't matter. He was just beautiful, his eyes narrowed slightly in a rare sort of nervous smile, his lips twitching cautiously. He was trying to remain in control but knew his grasp on that was not very strong. He was on his side, one hand holding up his head, the other in the pages of the novel. The boy's hair was ruffled, slipping out of his fingertips, and some was over one of his shinning blue eyes. Why did he look like an angel? Why did my heart jump into my throat at the mere sight of him? And finally, why was he looking at me like that? The expression mirrored caring, deep emotional caring. It was not simply gratitude, though that was plain in his features, he looked genuinely pleased to see me. The tip of his hip bones were showing, a bruise there too. I wanted to kiss all of his bruises away, and make them all better, but that, I knew, was crossing the line. He was broken still, he was hurt.

He did not need kisses. He needed friends.

"Hello Zexion," Roxas said coolly, his tone not reflecting the mask hiding his emotions. He seemed calm, at ease. He looked empty. Why were we all so good at hiding behind our own little facades?

"Hi Roxy," my love said somewhat playfully, catching everyone else in the room off guard. I closed the door behind us, and Zexion came over to Roxas and I. There was so much I could never understand about my cloaked schemer. I didn't even know what he thought he was doing right now. He wasn't acting like himself at all, not from this life, not considering what had just happened last night.

"I see," was all the blond said, with a small chuckle.

"No you don't, you heard."

"This is true."

"It's nice to see you and know."

"Yeah, I was waiting for it," Roxas replied easily, moving a little when Zexion reached his hand around Roxas to me.

"Let's sit down, I'm tired." He mumbled a little, book still grasped in one hand while my fingertips were in his other. I didn't object, I didn't even speak, I just followed him. What else could I do? He was my oxygen. Zexion brought me over to my bed and we sat next to each other, but he never stopped touching me. The connection was nice, especially since he and Roxas were back to speaking in riddles like they did last time we had all lived together. Truthfully, sometimes, had wondered if they had a mental connection akin to the one Roxas and Sora had. That was simply impossible though. The blond did not budge from the doorway, not electing to sit on either bed. He instead pretended to be very interested in the things on our bureau.

"If you need and ear to babble to," The youngest of us left it open ended, and the boy beside me nodded.

"I need to talk to you eventually, like before, I need your help, putting some stuff together." Was he talking about me? I hoped he was, I wanted him to be talking about me, if he was, then I had a chance with him, right? If he was asking Roxas for relationship help, then I might be under consideration. I mentally smacked myself, because, really, Zexion did not need a relationship. He needed his friends. How many times did I have to tell myself that before it sunk in? Obviously I needed to get it branded to the inside of my eye lids because it would just not stay in my mind. It made me angry that I was being so selfish and self-centered when the most important person to me, needed more than I did, yet all I could think of was myself.

What kind of friend does that?

Those unhealthy thoughts seemed to be rubbing off on me… I knew I should stop them, but I was angry for more than just that. Why couldn't I just fix him like I was supposed to be able to do? Why couldn't I make him better? What was wrong with me? Was I really wrong for him this time? Then why was he right for me?

I didn't know what was wrong with me, but he squeezed my hands tighter and I felt better. Just one more day, then we had to go back to school, I doubted he was looking forward to it… Just one more day and I had a lab session. I was sure I was not looking forward to it.

! ! ! !

Okay, so, review please? Pretty please! Ahaha, and I reply to every single one I get, unless I miss you… which I don't think happens too often… but if it did or does, I'm sorry! Gomen, gomen. I will get on writing the next chapter now =] well actually, I will do my English homework first, and then work on the next chapter… I still have to write a college essay… so… um… the next chapter will be coming soon! I just don't know when because I have a lot to do for school. I promise you will not be abandoned though! Since I have a lap top now :3 I can get a lot more done a lot faster! Yay! Until next time! Stay beautiful!


	15. Chapter Fourteen

Hello again! Nice to see you all so soon! I have nothing much to say except that I have 36 out of 50 vocabulary words done, a writing object left… not even started, 17 out of 25 journal entries and 25 out of 80 quotes from a book with explanations of the significance. So, enjoy the chapter, because it helped me not do the crap load of work I should have done, on top of 2 college essays I need to write *sigh* I hate myself.

Special thanks again to FrankleroRules for chit chatting as usual, it's wonderful. Also, more thank yous go out to Blindartist12345 (I missed you! It was wonderful to hear from you again!) Xxninny435xX, and Akarui Siren.

Now! On with the Zexym love.

! ! ! !

Chapter 14: Zexion

"Why don't you play something," Roxas suggested, his eyes focused on Demyx as he spoke. I looked to my guitarist as well, and awaited his response. He tilted his head to the side a little and ran his eyes around the room, looking from the answer on the wall. It was not, I supposed because his twin oceans settled on me.

"Come on Demyx," I encouraged, my head bobbing a little towards his guitar in reference to it.

"Alright," he said softly, while gripping the neck, leaning towards it, and pulling the instrument onto his lap, shifting away a little so that it would not disturb me. "I haven't played in a while… So it might not sound so good…" He was clearly nervous, his smile bright, but not true, it was fake horribly and staggeringly fake.

"It'll be wonderful." I mumbled a little, trying to help him, but unsure of how to do so. He seemed to brighten, and he looked down at the frets and strings. His fingers flittered over them, his thumb strumming lightly, almost lovingly. It took a few chords for me to recognize it, but it was the song he had been playing when we had first begun sharing the same room. I closed my eyes a little, to listen to the notes as they rang out. Each shivered in the atmosphere, and crawled down into the pit of my stomach. I allowed the tune to wrack my body with the emotions that it saw fit. I surrendered myself to the music, and it cradled me in its arms gently. I could almost see the fluorescent streams of the notes flittering all around me. Each left long streaming patterns in the air, some cold white and blue, others searing hot reds and oranges, even some pinks danced in as his song reached closer to it's climatic point. I could feel all of the strands of color on my skin, in harmony with his chords.

"Wow," Axel's voice broke through, and my eyes opened, a faint sort of glitter lingered on my eyelashes, and all around Demyx and I. His playing had stopped when I opened my eyes.

"That was amazing, how did you do it?" Roxas asked, his mouth agape, very 'un-Roxas-like' but even still, it was the expression dominating his features. I was slightly confused, I didn't know what he was talking about. I had done nothing.

"What do you mean?" I asked softly, timid.

"You made all of this light appear…" Axel said softly.

"No I didn't."

"But you did Zexy," Demyx said softly, his smile in place as always, but there was a mischievous glint in his eyes.

"I don't know how or what I did." I said defensively, chewing on my lip nervously, flinching a little from the pain a moment after. Demyx nodded a little, babying me, and putting down the guitar before stroking my shoulders, and pulling me back onto his lap. I closed my eyes again, and leaned against him. His arms were warm and tight around me, and I toyed with his hands on my stomach, nuzzling my face sideways into his neck. I loved the way he smelt, a mixture of fresh cotton and the ocean. It was invigorating, and alluring. I loved it. While I snuggled happily into the arms of my guitarist, Roxas cautiously wandered across the room, sitting on the very edge of my bed, a good two or three feet away from Axel.

"Demyx?" I beckoned, receiving an affirmative hum from the elder. "Thank you for everything, and this," I said softly, curling my fingers around his, and holding his hand. I wanted this, I wanted him, not in the sexual way, but I wanted him to be mine, for me to be his. I didn't think that it would ever be okay, I didn't think he would ever want me to be his, but I mean, he had to if he told me he loved me… right?

"Don't worry about it," he said softly against my ear, kissing behind it. My breathe caught in my throat, and I closed my eyes, remembering the sensation for moments after it had ended. It was horrible how badly I wanted it, the dragon in my belly purred gently, and beckoned me forward. I wanted more, I wanted my skin covered by his lips, and I wanted him to heal me gently with his touch, it would work, it had to. He was Demyx, he could fix anything.

^///^

I kissed along his collarbone quickly, nibbling lightly and smiling at the deep sigh that was issued from his lips in response to the action. He was warm under my fingertips, and his skin was soft beneath my lips. I loved him, God, I loved the boy! It was the best feeling in the world, to have his hands in my hair, and caressing my shoulders gently, going down my back, and pressing me closer, making me collapse into him. He giggled in my ear and kissed my cheek, whilst hugging me tightly.

"I love you so much Zexy!" He giggled some more, squeezed me tighter, and forced a chuckle from my lips.

"Demyx, I was trying to-

"I want to cuddle! Zexion, let's cuddle together!" He laughed again, and I nodded a little, before closing my eyes and kissing his earlobe.

"Alright, alright, whatever you want Demyx." I laughed again though, when he shook me lightly, kissing along my cheek again, smiling excitedly when he pulled back a little and kissed me powerfully on the lips. I loved him, I knew I loved him in that moment. My dream self did anyways, I was still scared. I was still unsure of what to do. I was still weak where, in comparison, my dream self was strong and independent.

^///^

I shook a little, trying to make the memory dissolve faster, but it lingered, like his fingers on the back of my wrist. It was magical, it was annoying, it felt good.

"Demyx," I half moaned, turning on his lap, to hide my face into his neck. Why did he do these things to me? Why was I so divided on how I felt about him? Why had Seth done that? I felt disgusted, but Demyx didn't feel that way about me, so I couldn't be, right? I didn't know. I didn't even know if I wanted to know, it was odd, feeling so detached and painfully alive. I just wanted to know for sure what was me, and what was someone else. I simply could not deal with the possibility of my dream self having his own feelings and them getting confused with my own. I felt like I was fading into him, and losing myself, which in some ways was good. I couldn't always feel the gut wrenching pain in my own life, but instead, I could feel the stress of his.

"Yes?" He asked softly, while rubbing my back. I did not know what to say in response, so I did not respond at all. I just held him tightly around the shoulders, carefully smothering my face in the crook of his neck. I enjoyed how we fit together, I liked how safe I felt when his hugs constrained me, forcing me to steady my breathing, because I was still more sore than I liked to admit. I liked it thought, the pain was cleansing. The pain was clarity.

"Demyx," I whispered against his skin again, the images flooding back, the memories constricting in my body, I couldn't move, my muscles were all tense, and I felt like my lungs were frozen in place.

"Zexion, hush, it's okay," He rubbed my back with slightly more force than before, and I felt my body crane a little to the touch, and my lungs burnt with the need for air. My ex-hail came shakily and painfully, my eyes suddenly watery, threatening to spill over. What was wrong with me? Why couldn't I just ignore all of this? Why couldn't I force myself to forget? I was silent, my focus on his motions, the way his chest moved against mine when he steadied his breathing, and every so often… I could hear his heartbeat.

Thump… Th-thump… Thump… Th-thump…

"I'm sorry," I managed after a while, the silence becoming unbearable.

"Don't be Zexy, don't be." He whispered gently, kissing my cheek softly, and nuzzling me lovingly.

"I shouldn't be like… I should be… I wish… just…"

"Hush, hush, don't worry Zexion, it's all going to be okay, I'm here for you, no matter what, you can count on that, and don't even think twice about asking for my help if you need it, I don't mind. I really and truly do not." His voice was so sincere, so calming, I could fall asleep to it, and I felt like I really was. My eye lids were heavy, and my body felt limp.

"Thank you," the words sounded broken, and fragile… He didn't seem to care all that much though.

"Anything for you Zexion," the way he always said my name, it was magical, it made butterflies fly through my stomach, and I just wanted to listen to him talking forever. I felt dirty and violated, and I didn't think it would ever go away, but maybe if I listened to him long enough, I could fade into his voice. Maybe if he told me I was okay, that I was not a dirty filthy slut… maybe if he said everything was going to be alright, well, maybe it would really be alright.

/// Time lapse!! \\\

"I should be going," Roxas said after a while of me reading once more, this time spooning with Demyx, the guitarist dozing off a little. Across the room, Axel had scooted uncomfortably close to the blond, who was shooting death glares out of the corner of his eyes at the red head.

"Don't go Roxy baby!" Axel cooed loudly, stirring my blond, and making his twitch in annoyance. "Come on, cuddle a little, it's good for you." He aid, pulling Roxas forcefully across the bed, pinning him, and laughing darkly.

"Axel! Get the fuck off of me, you stupid pervert!" He fought against the pyro somewhat half heartedly.

"Ax, play nice with him," Demyx scolded a little, smiling gently.

"Oh, I will," more laughter, and a wink when a glance was spared for us. I rolled my eyes, and the fiery boy started tickling the youngest of us. The room was suddenly filled with an eruption of giggles and pleas to stop.

I smiled, and Demyx laughed, while we observed Roxas' humiliation and torture.

"Ah, ah, oh my God, Axel! St-st-stop it! Ah!" The blond struggled before another fit of giggles overtook him.

It was fun, it was amusing, and I was enjoying myself far more than I should have been, but it was okay. I was safe, I was with friends. I could let myself fade into this, and allow darkness to fill the space of the night previous. I could block it from my memory. I knew how to do that, and I was pretty good at it, when I focused hard enough anyways.

After a while Axel got tired, and simply flopped down beside Roxas, curling the blond tightly against his chest, so that they were spooning.

"Roxy, you smell good," Axel cooed, ignoring the struggle the other boy put up.

"Axel, you're an idiot, I'm all sweaty and I probably smell like-ah!" He shouted followed by more laughter and whimpers as Axel mercilessly tickled him once more.

"I said you smell good!" Axel declared, before nuzzling his face in the objecting boy's hair. "I said so," He chuckled while licking the nape of Roxas' neck which earned him an elbow to the side.

"You pervert!" The boy was sounding shrill but it was apparent that he liked it.

"It was worth it."

"It won't be worth it, if I string you up from the ceiling by your balls!" Roxas snapped bitterly, and the pyro shivered a little, hiding in the blonde's hair once again. Axel mumbled something that we could not hear, and Roxas smiled a little but elbowed him again. So axel wrapped his legs around the smaller one, and pinned his arms down.

"Can't we cuddle nicely?" The red head purred in a half moan against the younger's ear.

"When one of us is unconscious."

"That can be arranged Roxy!" A nuzzled followed the words, and Axel nipped at the ear that was exposed. Roxas made a grand show of not enjoying it, but it seemed like he actually was having a nice time, his cheeks were flushed though, and I couldn't tell if it was because Ax was a human space heater or if he was embarrassed.

"Why don't you play nice, Axel." Demyx interrupted as Roxas made a squeaking sound, after getting his ear bitten again.

"I am! See, he likes it!" Axel said while laughing and snuggling against Roxas once more, beckoning a small growl. "He's purring! Demy! Look! Roxy is purring!" He laughed hysterically, actually making everyone else in the room laugh, including the one being molested.

For a while, we all stayed like that, until both Axel and Roxas passed out from the energy spent with their tickling fight, and Demyx and I just watched them.

"They're cute together," I half whispered, my voice hoarse from not having been used a lot in a while. They were still spooning, Axel's arm draped over Roxas' hip, and his hand resting on top of the blonde's and his face half showing from behind the mess of hair that defied gravity, but as Axel had said, smelt good. Both had light smiles on their faces, and each one seemed to be breathing in time with the other.

"They are," Demyx concurred, kissing my cheek. I was still sitting on his lap, with my arms crossed over his, and I was warm, comforted by his embrace. I almost didn't feel the ache in my ass.

Almost.

"I… care about you a lot Demyx," his breathing changed, sort of caught in his throat before resuming. "You take good care of me… and, I want to say thank you, for everything you've done for me, even if I didn't seem happy about it before. I really appreciate it, sometimes, I don't know what's good for me." I concluded with a deep sigh. It was difficult to say all of that, I had been speaking very slowly, determined to get it all out. He had to know, I had to tell him. He was silent, but hiding his face in my shoulder, in-hailing my scent.

"Thank you Zexion, thank you so much," He whispered, and it sounded like he was crying. I shifted. Was Demyx really crying? I got off his lap, and knelt in front of him, ignoring the pain as my muscles objected to moving and I held his face in my hands. Lines of little tears were spilling over his face, and running over my knuckles.

"Demyx, what's wrong?"

"Nothing, just… nothing," He smiled, and I wanted to wipe that smile off of his lips, because it was completely and totally fake. His muscles gave a small spasm and he pulled himself from my grasp, hiding from me once again.

"Demyx, don't you lie to me," I nearly hissed, while pulling his face back up to be visible. He didn't fight me. "Tell me, why are you crying?"

"I don't want to," He said defiantly, his eyes set, and his jaw tense in my grasp.

"Demyx, please tell me, pretty please?" When he didn't answer or react, I continued. "Pretty please with a shiny new guitar on top?" He laughed a little, but it seemed more like a hiccup. "Demy," I cooed a little, using the nickname Axel had used a little while earlier. A look of pain flashed over his face. "I can fix it, please, let me help."

"Zexion, I don't want to hurt you." He mumbled, selfless to the end.

"You won't, now just shut the fuck up and talk to me." I was nearly growling by the end, my hands stroking his cheeks gently though, which was quite contradictory.

"Well, it's weird to say… You already know… It just, sometimes it like, well it, sometimes, it um…" I waited for him to just say what he was trying to, because I didn't have any clue what he meant by the gibberish. When he did not ay anything for a while, but just leaned his head onto my palm more, and closed his eyes, I pulled him into a hug.

"I can't fix myself Demyx, but I can fix you, please let me."

"I love you." It was simple from his lips, I had heard it before, but in this context, I was not sure how to take it. Was that what was wrong? Was that what was hurting him so much? It probably was…

"Is that what is causing this?" I asked gently, stroking his hair. I could comfort someone else, I knew how, it was myself I did not know how to comfort. He did not reply to me, and so I had to assume that it was his feelings for me that struck him with all of the pain.

"Demyx, I…" Could I say it? I love you too. I could think it easily enough. I just wasn't sure. I didn't know if this was love, I didn't know if I was worthy of love. I pulled back a little, and chewed my lip once again, to clear my mind. "I don't know how I feel, I want to say it, and sometimes, I believe I do, with Damian and Sunny and…" I swallowed hard to get out the last name. "Seth, I was always thinking of you. I remember first meeting Sunny, and noticing that his eyes looked a little like yours, and that was the only reason I hung around him a lot. Once I got to know him, he wasn't that bad, but his eyes… they were almost as beautiful as yours… And I always ended up mentioning you to them, I used to watch you. I would hold my breathe if you walked by, because if I smelt you, I might lose control. Do you know how good you smell?" I was rambling, focused on the wall behind Demyx. "Dem, I don't know a lot about feelings, not my own anyways, but I know I feel something for you. So wait for me a little longer? I'm not ready to figure out everything just yet…" I mumbled finally, my head bowing in a sort of defeat. "I am sorry." For a while, he just watched me, his eyes pouring over me, and making me nervous, but I could not lift my eyes to meet his.

"Don't say you're sorry for that baby," He replied gently, making my stomach twist. Baby? Why did that sound so damn good? "It means a lot," he smiled, wiping his face, and scratching a little where the tears had dried and probably left that irritating feeling on his skin.

"I just wish I could give you better Demyx." Then I did something, with complete consciousness, unlike the other times where I had acted on an impulse. I considered this impulse before it happened. I decided I wanted it. My fingers found their way back to his cheeks, cupping his face gently, almost as if I'd break him. I was terrified, my pulse sky rocketing, and my breathing went shallow suddenly. I felt like I was breathing out of a straw… I moved our lips closer together, my eyes half opened to make sure I kissed him exactly upon the lips, the pretty petal soft looking cushions waiting for mine… oh God I was going to faint! But he let me hesitate, and he let me finally connect us in the softest kiss I had ever had. My eyes closed and I enjoyed the sensation. It was not short either, we stayed there for a little too long, and when I slowly started to pull back, he reconnected us for merely a second, but I responded, kissing him again and again, softly, innocently, our mouths moving against each other seamlessly, like we were made to do this, like it was the most true and perfect thing in the world. There was no tongue, it was a simple string of endless kisses shared between us, and I would not have had it any other way.

When we finally parted, he pressed a final kiss to my forehead and I countered with one on his nose which made him smile. That smile was my reason for breathing. That smile was like the sun on my skin after a long winter. If there was one thing that I truly loved about Demyx, it was that smile.

"I could get used to this," I whispered a little, my eyes closing, and Demyx out did my nose kiss, by kissing each of my eyelids softly.

"I hope you can."

! ! ! !

Omg haha so um not what you were expecting? Hm hm hm =] well, I like it! Lol, and yes, I realize, out of character, but it will be explained as soon as I write the proper scene. I am just a tad lazy and the fluff just… happened! Lmao. I had a very bad day, leave me alone, I needed some fluff. And on top of a bad day, I couldn't talk to my boyfriend at all because he's at a Jewish retreat with no cell phones =[ so yeah… he's there for 3 more days, so you might get another chapter before the new year. This one only took me like 5 hours to write while half assing my homework and playing on face book. Well, off to bed, because it's midnight and I'm tired.

Reviews are adored! Please give me your feedback, I really enjoy it. It makes me happy, happy.


	16. Chapter Fifteen

Yay! So I figured out I had a whole extra week to do the 80 quotes and the writing objective. I have one more vocab word to do and 5 more journal entries but if I do one a day I'll be all set =] On another note…

I GOT MY EPIC AMAZING KINGDOM HEARTS BELT IN THE MAIL TODAY! (well technically yesterday because it's 1:22 am right now) but yeah =] I'm so happy and excited. I ordered it before Christmas (first thing I've ever bought online) and I was so excited for it =] I wore it all day =]

Thank you to all those that reviewed and favorited/alerted, it made me very happy when my email had a lot of notifications from fan fiction. It seriously made my day. I will put all the names or reviewers at the end cuz I just wanna write at the moment, and bed time is 2 am so I can get 6 hours of sleep at least. On with the chapter then!!

! ! ! !

Chapter 15: Demyx

He fell asleep easily enough, in my arms, so close I could feel his breath on my face, and I could smell his light lilac scent. I watched the way his eyes shifted underneath his lids, with the dreams that engulfed his mind. I wondered if he realized that the morning brought us back to school, and me, into the labs after our classes. I could not say I was not worried, but I was not about to tell him that. He would know when I told him that I had to leave for a little, he would ask where. He would wait for me, worrying I hoped. That sounded self-centered and cruel. It was understandable though, there had been people hurt after the tests, we even thought people had died but that had been hushed up.

I wanted him to worry about me because then it meant he really did care for me like he said. I trusted his words, but the novelty of the idea was appealing. Everyone just wants to be loved. I wanted to be loved by him, more than anything else. I wanted him to love me deeply and truly like he had before. It had taken me the longest time previously, to win him over, and maybe I was just much more impatient this time, but I wanted him so badly. I had had a taste and now I needed more.

My eyes slipped closed, and dreams stole my thoughts. Of course I dreamt of him. He was most of what I thought about all the time.

/ / / Time lapse to morning! \ \ \

The alarm clock screamed, making all four of us jump a mile and a half, I had set it, just in case, and we would have slept straight through, had I not set it the previous day at some point. Zexion stiffly moved his arm to hit the snooze and then flop into my arms again, shivering, the blankets still underneath us. Axel stretched like a cat and Roxas rubbed his eyes, looking like a cute little child when his hair was messy and his clothing rumpled like that.

"Zexy, we've got to get up, it's school today." I said gently, hoping not to upset him, but that was probably impossible if I told him we were leaving the room again. He had had a panic attack when we took him out to the cafeteria to lunch on Sunday. I hoped this would be better, but judging by the shiver he gave after I had spoken, I doubted it would be.

"I'll see you in a little Demyx," Axel said, while he waved, and left, Roxas just watching both Zexion and I.

"Bye Ax," I waved and then looked back at my love. "Zexion, it'll be okay, you have friends in every class, and we'll get you in the halls, you'll never be alone. We'll keep you safe," I promised him, stroking his hair for a few minutes. He had his eyes shut so tightly that I was afraid they wouldn't be able to open again. His hands were clasped into fists with a force that turned his knuckles white and would leave half-moon marks on his palms.

"We'll protect you." I reassured, and he nodded, too quickly. Sometimes I really wished I could take everything that had happened away from him, and even just carry it all upon my own back, because he deserved a break, he really did. I nuzzled his head a little.

"Come on, we have to get you to the showers, and then dressed."

"No, I'll shower after school, less crowded," he explained softly, and held his arms. His face was not the only place bruised… I took a deep breath to steady myself. I hated them for hurting him like this. I wanted to shred them limb from limb and make them suffer.

"Okay, do you want me to get all of your stuff together?"

"I can do it, just, give me, like, five more minutes?" He asked softly, barely bringing his voice into a normal tone.

"Of course, Zexion, can I stay here for a little while too?" I asked with a forced smile, and he opened his eyes. They were dry, that much was good at least I figured. He looked angry, his eyes focused on my smile.

"Stop that, I hate it," he snapped a little, moodily.

"What?"

"That fucking fake smile. I want to slap you every time you do it. I don't want your pity Demyx, I don't want sympathy and I don't want to be helpless." He said, gaining volume and determination in his voice as he went on. "This will not happen again. I will be stronger. I will not let him dominate my life." He nearly growled sitting up, and digging his fingers into my mattress.

"Zexy, that's great, just remember you have all of us if you need anything." I reminded him while reaching out and resting a hand on his shoulder.

"And we'll always listen if you want to talk," Roxas said from across the room. I had forgotten he was there… I had just figured he'd leave with Axel. Zexion nodded and sighed, falling backwards into my pillows, his head tipped back, exposing his pretty, thin neck. His Adam's apple bobbed a little, and his skin was pale and soft looking. I wanted to trace the lines of his delicate muscles and play softly with his collar bone, before kissing the same path, barely touching his skin, teasing with the barest glimmers of contact. He used to love that sort of thing.

The alarm went off again and all of us jumped in response, before I reached over and shut it off entirely. Zexion sat up after, and got out of my bed, wandering to his clothing, electing a pair of his old pants, but then he mumbled something about them being too big and he was forced to go back to a pair of tight skinny jeans from when he had first started to hang around with Seth. He did not undress, but rather laid out the articles, and sat down, changing his socks first. I could tell he was stalling. How badly injured was the rest of his body? I wasn't too sure that he would let me see…

"I'll catch you guys at breakfast." Roxas said, sensing the uncomfortable mood and leaving us slowly.

"How badly bruised are you?"

"I don't know." He half whispered, looking at the floor. He shifted a little and pulled off the thermal he was wearing, and his whole torso looked like the sky on a cloudy day, the clouds bruises, and his pale skin the sky. I had to bite back my reaction, because he would take it the wrong way.

"They aren't that sore… they hurt when I move the wrong way, but not too badly, I've had worse," He said below a whisper, but I could just barely hear it.

"I'll get you some more pain medication," I offered, turning my back to him and he changed the rest of his clothing while I gave him some privacy. I closed my eyes to keep my hands from shaking in the powerful anger that was sweeping over me. Everyone always talks about how beautiful, gentle and cleansing water is, but they don't talk about the power of a tsunami or tidal wave, the don't discuss monsoons, or flash floods. They like to think of the delicate side, like rain drops falling on enamored lovers. Water has a lot of power, and I could feel it within me, the tangible fury, exactly like the footage of tsunamis that I had seen. I could feel it… He was mine. How fucking dare them hurt him!

"I'm done," the schemer said softly, and I turned, to see him snuggled back into my sweatshirt, a plain looking black shirt underneath. I handed him the pills I took out for him, and I leaned over, kissing his forehead easily. The boy closed his eyes to it, in-hailing and leaning into me for a hug after. I loved cuddly Zexion. There always had been amazing moments where he had wanted nothing more than to snuggle into my chest, and I loved it so much. I felt important and strong when he came to me. I felt like I could do something right for him. It was a rare feeling sometimes.

"Demyx?"

"Yeah Zexy?"

"Thanks,"

"You said that yesterday," I teased playfully, kissing his hair, and his arms wrapped around me.

"I really mean it though." He said thoughtfully and I nodded in appreciation. I loved his thanks, but they really were unneeded. Or maybe they weren't. I felt neglected sometimes, but I had to wonder about that. I shouldn't feel neglected if he needed me, but he had left me when he decided he didn't, and came back when he did need me. It was selfish of me to think like that. It was selfish of me to feel used like that, but I wondered if that mattered at all. I did not show him how I felt about all those things, so did it even matter at all that I felt them? Of course it did, my brain screamed from somewhere. But another part of me said that it didn't, and that part reassured me that I was doing the right thing and that I was going to be rewarded in the end. I didn't know which to believe, but I went along with the second because I loved him. Everyone needs someone, and I should not abandon him just because it was hurting me that he left me all alone when I needed him.

I was stronger though, right? In some ways anyways.

"Come on Zexy, we should go to breakfast," I said lightly, and he let me lead him there. He let me lead him to all of our classes, and Seth was missing in every single one that any of our friends had with him, we did not see him once, which frightened us a bit, but comforted Zexion so we were lulled by the fact too. Roxas, Axel and I were on edge, looking out for Zexion and it seemed as if by the end of the day, Sora and Riku were too.

It was at the end of the day that I let out a shaky breath. During our last class, I had to tell him. We were sketching again, this time, objects. He was drawing an apple, and I was trying to draw the same thing, but it was coming out more like a malformed heart. I was not good at sketching.

"Zexion?" I beckoned him softly, and he nodded a little, making a sound of acknowledgment. "I have to go to the labs after class," I said about as casually as I could manage, playing with the pencil and watching his reaction. He made a face of distaste and nodded a little.

"I'll wait for you in our room." He told me, looking up. His eyes were the color of a light blue spring day. Everything about him reminded me of spring. That time of year was when the earth just started to warm up, when everything was still barren from winter, but was beginning to bear the fruits of summer. His smile was like the wind warm against my skin, his hair was like the petals of a soft flower, his lips like roses, his skin the delicate paleness of a lily. He was new life, vibrant and demure, afraid to show too brightly, but at the same time commanding attention. He would bloom, like he had before, and he would come alive, bold in his own way, beautiful to all that could see him. More so than now.

"Is there something on my face?" He asked hurriedly, his long white fingers going up to his jaw quickly, highlighting his soft innocence. They had not stolen that. He had not banished it with a razor. He was beyond my every belief.

"No, nothing," I smiled genuinely, laughing a bit, and resisting the urge to kiss the lips that had frowned and twisted into something akin to a pout.

"Why were you starring?" He questioned and gave me the perfect opportunity to see the wisps of blush fall onto his cheeks.

"Because I couldn't stop looking at you, you're so gorgeous," I said softly, while standing, and resting my hand over his for a mere moment, and then stalking off, to go find an eraser, or a new sheet of paper. He made no sound, but his cheeks were still aflame when I returned with a pristine white sheet. He didn't say anything, but only continued to draw and I half watched the way he ignored me.

"Demyx," he beckoned softly, almost curiously, as if something had just occurred to him.

"Zexion," I returned, smirking as he tried to hide the feeling hearing his name from my lips in a dull, nearly moaning whisper. I could have sworn he sort of shivered.

"Do you think that we could do something later, if you're feeling up to it."

"What did you have in mind?" I asked with a smile. Was he asking me on a date? I selfishly hoped so. There was an odd look on his face I could not deceiver. His lips were curled into a half smile, his eyes glittered a little, a bit too glossy, that was suspicious. His hands twitched nervously, and his tongue flickered over his lips. He was nervous! But not nervous scared, nervous to ask me for something silly. I had seen it very rarely in our previous life, and I always forgot how he appeared until I thought about it.

"Well, I wanted to sketch you, in the garden, courtyard thing," he said slowly, his hands folding together, but he fidgeted. I wondered if he was aware he was moving so much.

"That sounds wonderful, Zexy," I said happily, before the bell rang. I wanted to kiss him so badly, somewhere, anywhere, just to press my lips onto him, to let my joy manifest in the form of sweet affections. I wanted him to know how much I loved what he had suggested. I figured the beaming smile did that though and the laughter after, because he lit up.

"Come on, I'll walk you to my room, Axel will be there." I offered and he complied, both of us putting our materials away and leaving silently. That halls were crowded, but I didn't mind much, I had Zexion's little purple silver head in front of me, bobbing as he dodged people. I wanted to hug him and smother him and tell him how fucking adorable he was, but that would not be good in the middle of a crowded hallway.

We stood in Axel an my room for a few minutes, amid the mess, and he folded into my arms, and I kissed his head finally, all of the joy and love baptizing him with good feelings, I hoped anyways.

"Demyx," he beckoned, pulling back a little, and looking up at me, in time to see the nod I gave. "Will you kiss me please?" He sounded timid, almost afraid that I wouldn't do it. I smiled and nodded once more, before leaning down to press my lips against his. Just as our lips met, and we faded into the warm feelings between us, the door flew open and we jumped apart. Zexion was beat red and I just felt like I was going to pass out. Riku snickered and Axel smiled.

"Well now, you gotta make out in our room now too Demyx?" The pyro chided me and I laughed nervously.

"Could you watch Zexy for me? I have to go to the labs." I explained as Zexion gritted his teeth, he didn't need a babysitter, I knew, but he wasn't about to refuse the company.

"There will be no kissy, kissy between us, but I suppose we could entertain him in other ways. You got the kissing down pat." Ax teased lightly, ruffling the schemer's hair to his distaste. There was a small bit of conversation but then I had to go, dragging myself to the underground laboratories. They were too brightly white, and too shiny. It was like a hospital. I supposed that there was a reason for that though. If anything went wrong, it turned into just that. I walked slowly up to the tall woman behind the desk there.

"Hi, I'm Demyx, I have a session." I said pleasantly and she nodded.

"You can go right into room three, they're waiting." She smiled kindly, in a comforting sort of way.

"Thank you," I said brightly, despite how nervous I was and despite how empty I was beginning to feel. All that was bouncing around my body was fear. Fear and determination. I would be strong through this, Zexion needed it, he wanted me to be there now, he needed me to keep both of us up.

No, that was wrong. He wanted to hold me up, he said so himself, I wasn't sure how he planned to do that, but it was somewhat the gesture. He wanted to find me happiness, and he wanted to show it to me. I knew it. There was happiness in his eyes when he looked at me. That was all I wanted. I wanted him to be happy, so that we could be happy for each other. Sometime during my thoughts I had ended up horizontal on the gurney. I was not alone, my eyes were closed, and he was telling me what they were doing. I blocked it out. Anesthesia. He said that, putting me to sleep, well that was good because the clinking of metal and glass was cutting through my thoughts. I focused elsewhere. I forced my mind to Zexion, to the soft scent of petals in his hair, the warmth of his body pulled against my chest. I remembered the feel of his lips on my own, like he had just placed them there. My stomach twisted with want, just as my eyes slipped closed.

/ / / / Time Lapse \ \ \ \

I woke up feeling stiff, my legs heavy feeling, and my eye lids barely stayed open for as long as I requested them to. I was used to this. What I was not used to was the sounds I could hear. It was almost as if I could hear words, fluttering all around me, no, not words, but tones, different tones that streamed together and made a perfect song, the colors, they gave off vibrations, and all the white around me, it made something like a tiny silver bell's noise. It was dainty, and pristine sounding. I liked it, but was slightly concerned at the same time. This was new and weird, it was something the seemed bad. My ears were ringing maybe, but I couldn't really tell. It was odd. I was confused.

"Thank you Demyx, we would like a follow up appointment later in the week, for now, you can go back to your room, have a nice day," The female nurse chipped too happily. I looked over and her too big brown eyes flashed darkly at me. Se clearly sounded much more pleasant than she truly was. Her hair hung in pretty curls down her shoulders, but the up turned look on her face made her look ugly.

"You too," he mumbled more because it was a force of habit than anything else. He brushed his hand back through the tousled blonde locks and wandered away, the twinkling noises fading as his attention was pulled away. Everything seemed normal. Everything seemed like it always had been… Seemed.

! ! ! !

I'm sorry this sucks so badly, I wanted to stop it a while ago when the chapter reached a natural end, but I pushed it because I really wanted to get the tech scene out. Blah. I had drama club tech week too, I did the lights, and that was hell, I didn't write at all, no time or energy. Luckily, I made a pact that kept me from focusing on my other stories. I did finish my college applications though, so all of that is momentarily out of the way =]


	17. Chapter Sixteen

So, I want to apologize for randomly changing into third person at the end of last chapter. I didn't even notice it when I was editing the chapter before. Blah. That's what I get for editing around 2 in the morning, right? Lol. Well, it's midnight now, just had a snow day, and I'm going to get started on the next chapter. I'm proud to say, I'm a month and 3 days clean from cutting, so, um, I might not have too much of Zexion's point of view, because I don't want to trigger myself. It's been a very, very, very difficult month, and it's only been getting harder. I'm going to try though. Thanks for all the reviews and favorites/alerts they made me happy.

! ! ! !

Chapter 16: Demyx

How could I describe him? I could not. When I walked into Axel and Riku's room, he was curled into a ball, his arms over his knees, with his chin resting on them. He had a half smile on his face, and dirt on his nose. His eyes were turning to me, and the odd ringing was morphing. I had almost been ignoring it but it exploded when his eyes fell upon me.

The lilac of his hair was delicate, whimsical, the note vibrating through my mind was beautiful, and fell in harmony with the chiming of his insistent blue eyes. The pink of his lips was a low tone, but still care-free, lovely, the deep colors of his clothing balanced the waves of music rolling off the paleness of his skin. He was a perfect scale. In tune, flowing majestically. I couldn't stop listening to the nearly unnatural music while all of his tones were flickering into my mind. What had the techs done to me?

His face cracked into a nervous smile. I was starring, but I had yet to stop myself. He was just looking back at me. I could have cried, everything was so beautiful. His eyelashes fluttered when he blinked, like butterfly wings… they were soft looking. I wanted to kiss his eyelids closed, and smell his soft flowery scent.

"Earth to Demyx!" Axel laughed in a hyper tone, and when I looked at him, that's how I felt. The green of his eyes, the vibrancy of his hair, pale skin, dark tear drop triangles down his face, dark clothing… all of it struck me in a calamity of sound. What had the techs done? Why was I hearing colors?

"Sorry, I'm just… a little off." I laughed it off, but a look of concern flashed across the pyro's face. I just shrugged and looked back at my demure love. "How are you doing?" I asked like a starved man. I had missed him. I could never get him out of my mind. I should have started to charge him rent, but I enjoyed his presence there far too much. I loved thinking about him. I loved him. I knew I always would too.

"I'm surviving pretty well." He said in a softly staccato tone. It wasn't clipped, but it was careful. He seemed to be okay, so I did not question it too much, or pressure him to explain the odd choice of words. I sat down beside him, but still facing him.

"That's nice to hear," I smiled genuinely. He nodded a little, his hair covering one whole half of his face, catching my eye. I stared at the softy colored stands. They were a range of colors, all fading to make one overall. Some were a darker blue sort of color, to give it dimension, those ringing in my head in a sinister timbre while the lighter shades glittered in bright resonances.

"Is everything alright, Demyx?" He asked cautiously.

"Yeah, just, they did something to me, I'll explain it later, it's kind of cool." I smiled, and almost giggled, loving the beauty of his music, and the sweet innocence of his voice. They way his eyebrows were furrowed in sweet concern, how his eyes focused intently on me. That's right, Zexion was focused on me. He was devoting his conscious mind to me. I was the center of his world, even just for those few seconds.

"Maybe you should rest a little, Dem." Axel suggested, standing right beside me. I blinked a little, but didn't look away from the little schemer. His eyes darted up to our friend, and then back to me, his lips parted when he looked up, but closed as he glanced back to me. His features were clear with a fierce expression of determination.

"Yeah, you probably should, you're acting really funny." He nodded a little. The compassionate resolve in his eyes was sexy. I didn't want to sleep, I wanted to keep watching him with this new musical sight the techs had given me. I wanted to pick apart all the hues on him, to hear the symphony that he hid so well.

"It's fine, I'm perfectly fine, I just, okay, well, I like looking at you. It's cool." I smiled happily, feeling a little high with the height of all the pitches, almost like the climax of a song, I was reaching a point where I could feel all the tension building.

He blushed. His cheeks lit up in air brushed rose color. I could feel the calmness settle in me. I hadn't even realized I had been breathing heavily until I calmed with the color on his face. I smiled languidly. Maybe they had just drugged me up and I was high.

"I'm tired, I might rest for just a little." I mumbled, leaning my upper body down onto Axel's bed and falling asleep almost immediately.

/ / / / Time Lapse\ \ \ \

He still had that smudge of dirt on his nose. I was watching him from where I had woken up on Axel's bed. He was reading away, a fourth of the way through a novel, and he hadn't noticed that I was watching him yet. It was probably because I kept fading off into dream lands. Either way, I found it amusing that my pristine best friend had a black tipped nose. It was innocently adorable, childishly cute… It made me wish I had known him when he was a small little child. When he clung to a teddy bear and sucked on his thumb. I wondered if he ever had a teddy bear.

_They aren't that sore… they hurt when I move the wrong way, but not too badly, I've had worse._

How much worse had he had? When? From who? Everyone needs a teddy bear. What if he didn't have one? What if he had nothing to cling to for comfort when he was little? Was that why he had a blade that he went to? Because that was what he was used to? Was it because that is truly all he thought he was worth?

"Zexion?" I beckoned, almost brokenly. I was probably drugged up, the musical colors had stopped, but I felt so emotional. He looked up, almost startled, the words on the page forgotten for a few moments. "Do you want to go to the courtyard?" I offered, and he smiled softly.

"Let me finish this chapter first." He murmured while turning the page, and tipping his head back a little in slow happiness. How he could be happy after all of what had happened, I didn't know. Maybe it was unreal to him now, maybe he had convinced himself that it had not happened. I wasn't sure if it mattered, because I was just happy that he was happy.

! ! ! !

I know, it is impossibly short! But I don't want to push this because I feel like I'm in the wrong state of mood to write this story. I wanted everything to happen, and I wanted them out of character for a reason, so don't worry, I didn't do it wrong, I'm just… not ready to go more in depth with Demyx while he's all high like. I'll get another update for you guys soon. Promise. The next few chapters might be short like this, sorry, but pushing myself isn't going to work.

Reviews are loved, and thanks again to all that reviews the last chapter. I send my love.


	18. Chapter Seventeen

I uploaded two chapters this time, so be warned, this is the second chapter I uploaded in like 10 minutes.

! ! ! !

Chapter 17: Zexion

I had made it a full week since that night… I had made it, my only question was, how? How had I made it this long without cutting? How was I doing it when everything hurt me so much? How was I smiling through all the fierce pain? Just… how?!?!

I stood in the store, my fingers grazing nervously over a box of disposable razors. I wanted them, God I waned them so badly. My skin was almost tingling with the want of the burning and tearing. The cleansing pain, the release… I wanted them… I closed my eyes, the pads on my fingers pressed lightly to the cool laminent on the cardboard box. I could almost feel the sharp edges, I'd take them apart carefully, I'd keep them safe, and when I needed them, I'd bury them in my skin. Demyx or Axel, had thrown all my other ones away. I couldn't find a single other one, not a one that they missed. I in-hailed slowly, and let the want engulf me. Demyx would have to understand. He was currently at the follow up tech meeting. He had been acting funny all week, so I hoped they would fix him.

Pale white skin, barely healed from the last few times I had cut… different shades of pink scars, cuts with bloody scabs still caked on… I could picture them all. I could picture the way the metal would slip between my skin, I could almost feel it if I tried hard enough. I could see the blood dripping from the wound and falling into-

"You're not seriously thinking of buying them are you?" Axel asked me suddenly. My eyes flew open and I jumped back from the shelf as if I had been bitten.

"I don't know what you're talking about, I wasn't doing anything," I snapped quickly, walking away from him with a blush on my face, and fear in my gut, so strong it made my hands shake. He followed me, not that I expected any less from him. He was, after all, one of my best friends.

"Zexion, I have to tell Demyx." He half whispered to me, sounding mournful.

"No, please don't Axel, I won't, I promise, it's just hard. Seth let me, I just… you guys got rid of all of mine. I just… I won't. I just… I just.." I was panicking, and I didn't know what to say.

"I get it Zexion, but Demyx should know. He deserves the honesty from you. If you don't tell him, then I will." He said definitively, looking away and forcing himself to look relaxed, and even bored…I knew he wasn't though. He was lost. I gathered enough information to know he had been in places like I was now. He didn't know what to tell me, because he wouldn't know what to tell himself if he were able to speak to himself when he was in my position. He was fighting his own demons here.

"I'm scared Axel, I don't know any other way to deal with anything, it's all I've always known, I've had it for so long… I need it."

"No, Zexion, you don't. You do not need it, you just have yourself convinced that you do, but you really don't." He said softly, putting a hand between my shoulder blades, and leading me to a different section. He grabbed some random stuff, and I paid little attention to what he bought.

"Demyx," was what I mumbled at long last. The pyro nodded abstractly.

"Yeah, Demyx, and me, and Roxas, and Sora, and Riku," he said softly, half hugging me, and keeping me close, under his arm. It was awkward but it made me feel a little better. "You need us, and we're here for you. You don't need anything else. Just love."

That stuck. Just love. Love. I had heard it a few times, but it sat differently as it reverberated in my ear drums. Just love… All you need is love… The beatles. Great, I was thinking about bands now. Just love, it was a beautiful ideal, love, but how could anyone love me? Demyx did, Axel did, but I didn't understand how. Irrational, detached, and depressed. Axel led me back to his room. I had snuck away, alone, to go to the blades, they had called to me, they had been beckoning. Or had I been beckoning them? I wasn't sure. When we got back to his room, I noticed the things he had purchased. I had been off in la-la-land while he was buying them. A pack of hair ties, a stick of eyeliner, a set of sharpies, some chocolate, and a plain blue book.

"Okay," He said with a crooked grin on his face. "These are all for you, except you're sharing some of the chocolate." He winked a little, while taking the pack of hair ties, they were thin, black little things. He took two and handed them to me. "Put them on your wrists, snap them if you must, replace cutting, then we'll work on getting rid of the snapping, but just focus on the cutting for now." He offered, with a little flicker of concern showing through his words. "Now, give me your arms, I don't want to see the cuts, I just want to see somewhere that you will have to see before you cut." He said through chewing on plastic to open the sharpies package. Once he got them opened, he took the blue, and accepted my bare arms. I cringed at the sight of the torn up skin, the scars covering it, and the pain that flickered over his face for a second. He easily took my arm, and slowly, in uncharacteristically nice handwriting, he wrote Demyx's name, his name, and Roxas' name. I frowned at it, but let him take my other arm, my dominant hand, and he wrote love on my wrist. Love. God, four letters, no meaning, but it had so much meaning.

"Remember us before, Zexion. Got it memorized?" He asked kindly, but forcing his relaxed lazy tone onto his voice, his face betrayed him.

"Yeah," I smiled weakly.

"Good, and now, onto my favorite. A diary, or journal, whatever you want to call it. Either way, I want you to write, everyday, something good, something nice, I'm not telling you to only write the good, but always put something really good in here, so you always remember it." He offered the blue book finally and smiled happily, ruffling my hair against my wishes. He tossed me the eyeliner, not explaining it, but knowing that I had started to wear it, and truthfully, I liked the way it looked on my eyes. The elder sat beside me, leaning comfortably on his pillows.

"You're a good friend Axel."

"Yeah, well I love you kid, and I love Demyx, and I hate seeing you two sad." He replied gently. I nodded a little, unsure on how to reply to that. He had been taking care of us both, so well.

"Axel, can I ask about something personal?" I inquired and he nodded, relaxing even more, and I vaguely hoped that my question would not disturb that too much… "Well, um, when I was away from you and Demyx, well.. Seth… he said some stuff about you and he being friends once." Axel stayed deadly still for a few seconds, his eyes had been half closed, looking a the sheets on the bed.

"I used to think that Seth and I were friends, but I don't think we ever were, I always felt like he was going to every length for me, but really, he just fucked me up more and more. He'd take advantage of everything… I used to burn." He chewed his lips a little here, fighting with himself to find the right words I surmised. "I'm assuming you know what I mean, it's very like cutting… only burns don't heal as well. They scar more too, but anyways, he found me one time, nurturing a recent burn, he helped me bandage it, and he stole some cream that really helped. I got suicidal at one point… when he abandoned me and Demyx was there for me, we used to date, and we were back then." He explained, and a surge of jealousy shot through me. It was irrational and ridiculous but I was furiously envious of Axel quite suddenly.

"I'm sorry Axel," I mumbled quietly, knowing my emotion was not what I should feeling. Truthfully, I also did sympathize with Axel.

"Its fine, I beat the shit out of Seth one day when he punched me, and I've been clean of that life for two years now." He smiled and ruffled my hair. "So don't worry at all, just know that I get this. Demyx didn't know about my burning, he knows I'm a pyro, so when I explained them to him, he always took the answer I gave. The boy can be naïve. I healed, I made it through everything, and came out on top. I beat it, and so can you." He smiled more at me, and the expression caught on. "I know you can overcome this Zexion, I have faith in you. You're stronger than you know."

"Ax, I've never had to be strong."

"Sure you have, you've made it without cutting before. You've been strong when you face Demyx. You've been strong when you've been dealing with all of your memories coming back. Sometimes, you need help though, and being strong, doesn't mean doing it all alone. Some of the strongest people have to ask for help."

"But you did it alone." I reasoned, knowing that I could not, given the opportunity, I would continue to cut until my whole body was covered in scars.

"That's where you're wrong. I had people, not Demyx, but that's only because he was so innocent back then. He's grown up, but we were only fifteen when all of that started. I was afraid to hurt him, but he's stronger now too. I had a kid named Saix, and his friends." He smiled softly, it didn't really feel like I should be the one seeing him at this moment.

"Thanks Axel," I said softly, reaching to him for a hug, which he accepted. It was a nice feeling, being wrapped up in his arms, it was physically very hot, his skin so warm, and his scent something of a high cinnamon concentrated smell. It was nice though, but not in the same way Demyx's hugs were.

There was undying, passionate love in every embrace Demyx gave to me. There was something there, regardless of my oppinion of it. Demyx and I shared something that Axel and I, Seth and I, anyone else and I, could not.

"Hey guys," Demyx smiled a little as he walked in, his head tipped back in a sweet smile, and his eyes glittered with something akin to envy. Was he jealous of Axel for the hug? That was so irrational.

"Hey Demy," I greeted him, my hands under my jean clad thighs, as I leaned my chest over my knees, looking up at the boy who was so delicately mine. I smirked at him a little, biting my lip cutely, and laughing lightly. He looked oddly shocked with my overly flirtatious greeting. His cheeks were even shadowed with a soft blush, that looked at home on his cheeks. We had gotten closer. Since the rape, he had held me at every shattering breakdown, he had helped me back up again, and things were looking up. I was not healed, I was not close to healed. I was blocking the events out, but they would come back, I knew it. The guitarist had certainly done everything he could to help me along though. He was like a security blanket.

"What's up Zexy?" He asked curiously, recovering with a dumbstruck smile.

"Axel and I were just talking, nothing really, how was it?" I inquired about his check up, because he had certainly been acting weird lately.

"It was okay, I'm beat though, gonna catch a nap, I'll be in our room, okay? I just wanted you guys to know I was out." He smiled pleasantly and headed to the door, and just as he opened it, Roxas was standing there.

"Hello Demyx." He said tersely, sounding pissed off, and my blonde giggled so I only had to assume something was wrong, or off. When the twin walked into the room, what was wrong was certainly obvious. He was standing there, in Sora's tight jeans, with a tightly fitting blue top on, that was clearly sora's seeing as it was a low V-neck, almost girlishly low, and it barely met the top of his pants. Sora had a tendency to dress like a whore when he wanted to tease Riku. I had been the unfortunate person to be trying to sleep in the same room as them when Sora popped in for a surprise visit.

The blonde also had a dog collar on, and hi-lights of black eyeliner. He did not look like himself at all. His cheeks flushed with the snickers from Demyx and he closed his eyes, ready to snap. Axel was just staring at him, obviously undressing him with his eyes. Good thing Roxas was not paying attention. My lover giggled again.

"Demyx just shut you god forsaken fucking mouth! It's not my fault!" He snapped loudly, only causing more laughter, and he ended up whining at the end. I stood, patting his shoulder, smiling a little, before brushing my guitarist out of the room.

"Demyx, you should be nice to Roxas." I scolded with a small smile.

"Sora and Riku said they had a funny idea, I wonder how they got him to do it," He continued to chortle, before he threw his arm around my shoulder. It was such a casual thing. It was so simple and mundane, but it gave me an odd set of chills. Public displays of affection were something you had to get used to when you were friends with all of the crazy people I was. Sora would randomly jump out from dark corners to surprise you with a hug, and Axel was always playing with everyone's hair, Demyx was into excessive amounts of cuddling. I was getting used to always being touched by someone. This was different though. Demyx kept cuddling to a low when we were outside of closed rooms. This was oddly empowering. That was, until someone whispered the word fag at us.

Demyx stopped in his tracks and turned around.

"Excuse me?" His voice rang out in the nearly deserted corridor.

"You heard me you piece of crap." The silvery haired boy remarked, and as he turned he looked strikingly like Riku, only with longer hair, and a lither face.

"Yazoo, shut your trap, I could kick your ass any day."

"A little sissy fag like you?" He drawled a little, chuckling darkly. This guy was pissing me off. How dare he talk to Demyx like that!

"Leave Demyx alone! He's twice the person you could ever be, so just shut up!" I snapped feverishly, grabbing my guitarist's hand and dragging him along to our room, ignoring the bitter insults that followed us down the hall. Once safely in our room, Demyx turned to me, smiling.

"That was really cute, Zexion." He told me, his fingers brushing through my hair, and his eyes… oh! His eyes…

"Was it?" I asked softly, feeling off balance, and resting one hand on his hip, the other grasping at the air lightly, unsure of where else to go. I just loved the way he was looking at me.

"Yeah, it was, and you know what else?" His smile was gentle as he stared directly into my eyes.

"What's that?" I whispered, feeling like if I got any louder, it would ruin the moment. He laughed a little, his eyes creasing with the force of his joy.

"You're cute." The his hands slipped away from the sides of my face, and he twisted out of my grasp, leaving me wanting more. How could he do that? I sat down on my bed, as he laid down on his, curled cutely beneath the covers, his eyes already closed. I got up, and shut off the lights, sad that I could not see him, but glad that he would be sleeping well.

How could he twist my stomach into knots and make me feel so many different things? How was it possible for someone to make me so complete? It was like he was a part of me that was missing. Like he was my other half. The half I was looking for all along. How filled the voids I made between myself and others. He took down so many walls I had built to keep myself in. How had I come to terms with my sexuality? Where had all my dreams gone to? How was I dealing with the rape?

None of it mattered when he was around. The pain was still there, but I felt safe beside him. I curled my fingers around the upper part of my arms and laid down in my own bed, hugging myself.

Seth was on top of me, his body was slick with sweat against my own… I could feel him touching me roughly… I opened my eyes wide, and saw nothing. I closed them tightly, and saw the same thing. The black was all around, I was lost in the dark, falling in the shadows. The closer I got to recovering, the harder it got.

One word, his name, whimpered into the abyss.

"Demyx…" I could feel the panic setting in, the fire in my lungs as my breathing rocketed out of control. I couldn't breathe. I couldn't think enough to calm myself down. I was frantic, grasping at my chest, feeling like my heart was going to stop. It was so fast, my lungs were working so hard… The blood through my veins was so accelerated it seemed like it was just going to spout out of me any moment.

"Hush," his cool voice was against my ear, his calming touch was on my arms, circling my waist. I was on his lap, sprawled awkwardly, grasping onto his neck. I hadn't known I was crying until I hid my face in his neck, and the salty mixture was smeared everywhere. "It's okay Zexion, I'm here." He cooed lightly, again and again. He told me it would all be okay, he said it so many times, so gently, and after a while, I calmed down. He had turned on the lights. When had that happened?

"I'm sorry," I whined a little into his shoulder.

"Don't be, we need a nightlight or something, because I don't really like all the dark either." He said softly, rubbing my back.

"You wanted a nap?" I asked softly, he nodded and then kissed my temple.

"I locked the door, so don't worry."

I didn't worry. We hugged each other tightly while we slept, with my head on his chest, our bodies so close, his arms around me still, and out legs flopped down around each other. I loved him.

! ! ! !

Hey so thanks for all the reviews and related things. I am sick as hell right now, and on school vacation so I'm just sort of avoiding my English homework. I'll have another update real soon. Oh, and just saying, I'm recovering. I've made it over a month without cutting and I'm very proud of that. There will be a lot of realistic things relating that. I'm sorry if the rape thing isn't going like an average one realistically would. This is a fanfic though. So idk, deal I guess. I just don't remember how I had worked it out, and therefore, can't write it correctly. Idk. Sorry. Off to go start something else…


	19. Chapter Eighteen

Hello! I'm back…. Again. Thank you for all the reviews and such =] they make me happy. Also, I apologize for the typos and stuff in the last chapter. I really need to make it a priority to reread my chapters when I'm completely awake.

I don't own KH, just this story

! ! ! !

Chapter 18: Demyx

I watched him pull back the small metal part of the thin black elastic, and with no reservation, he let it go. It crashed into his skin and the sudden sharp pain made him twitch a little. Not much, but the smallest bit, and he then stretched his arm out, pushing the wrist away from his body. I guessed it stung, and maybe it throbbed just a little. I wanted to take him in my arms and kiss it all better, but kisses didn't always help.

He was looking at math problems, and once he pulled his wrist back to his body, he doodled little solutions into the margins. The place where the metal hit was swelling a bit, and it was very red, blotchy, irritated…. I didn't like it, I knew why Axel had given him the elastics, but the tones of color even hurt me to listen to. See, I was still hearing colors, it had grown fainter, but I could still feel their pulses through my ear drums. The injured pink was like a slow whine, like it knew it was a wound. Like it wanted to be put to an end. I wanted to heal him. I knew I was doing my best though, but was my best good enough? Was there someone who could do better than I was? I let him go once already though, he came back, but he came back more broken then when he had left the safety of my arms.

He was protected when he was with me. I knew he was, because I could take care of him.

"Zexy-bear?" I cooed and Roxas choked on the water he was sipping, the blonde gagged a little, and tried to pretend he was only choking, and not laughing, but Zexion did not believe his sputtered excuses. His eyes landed on me, a deep glare prevalent in the knots of his every muscle.

"I should hang you from the ceiling by your intestine. You're only lucky Sora was not here to hear it." He growled at me, causing Roxas to laugh more. A few of the other kids in the study looked over at us questioningly.

"Aw! But Zexy-bear!" I smiled deviously and glomped him. He growled something but did not struggle as much as he should have been. He made a good show out of trying to get released from my arms, but it did not work. I smiled as he pouted, and I let him go, but kept an arm protectively around him, almost possessively. Who was I kidding, it was very possessive. I stroked his hair gently, playing with the ends and watching as he tried to focus on the math problems that he had not been doing too well with in the first place. Math had never been his strong point.

The bell range and he got up, the tender tones of a blush ringing through my mind. I walked him to English, where Riku, Sora, and Axel took care of him, and then I rushed off to history. I used to have this class with Seth, and seeing him everyday, the way he'd smirk at me, knowingly, it hurt so much. Zexion was mine again though, and Seth was gone. I didn't have to see that dark smile, and know his hands were constantly all over my Zexion, it had always been a constant reminder that my schemer had not been mine. He would always be mine now. I would keep him safe and protected under my wings. He'd always be safe with me.

Lunch went by effortlessly, laughing over bologna and chips while feeling pleasant, he seemed so okay… I hoped he really was. I wanted him to be.

I walked with him and Axel to history, and went to my own English class, where I fell asleep, and the teacher luckily, did not notice. Then it was art, with the love of my life…. Lives. He had his hair pulled back today, clipped with bobby pins, they formed an "X" on his left temple, keeping the longer parts from his eyes. His sleeves were rolled up a little, not much, but a little bit, so the scars were hidden but none of the clay he was kneading got onto the plain black thermal he was wearing. I could see the writing, but ignored it for now, because Axel had warned me he had scrawled along my lover's wrists. I smiled as he rocked his body into the movements of the clay, warming it with his little hands, getting all the air bubbles out with his thin fingers, and then he was sculpting it, all while I was just trying to get ready. I couldn't help but stare at him. He was so concentrated on creating the form, a heart it looked like, but not a regular heart, it was half broken, ripping open, and there were pages coming out of the top, like a book.

"That's cool, Zexion," I remarked lightly, and his eyes fluttered to me, his hands covered in the orange sort of dirt. He smiled so genuinely, and looked proud of himself.

"I figure you have to break a heart to be able to truly read it." He laughed a little, and went back to shaping each thing. I was simply stunned. I could only watch him helplessly, turning my attention between the alluring creases in his forehead when the material didn't do just what he wanted, and the beautiful sculpture that was immerging.

"Zexion?" He looked back to me, making an affirmative sound, his lips pressed shut, but not unhappily so, his eyes were bright, and pleasant. "I love you, I really do." I smiled at him, and he smiled back, looking to his sculpture and then me again.

"I love you too, Demyx." I sounded more beautiful when he said it.

Hours later, he was locked away, inside of his own mind again, and he had not been aware of the tunes I was playing for him on my guitar. I chewed on my lips a little, curling my hand around the neck of my instrument a little, looking up at him as I let melodies run vagrant over my hands. He absently moved, snapping the little elastic without paying much attention to it. He flinched once more, and then pushed his wrist away from his body, like the distance would kill the stinging in his arm. I placed down my guitar and rummaged under my bed.

"What are you doing, Demyx?" He asked gently, and I smiled a little to myself, pulling out a large bag with tissue paper stuffed inside.

"I got you a present," he tilted his head to the side.

"Is it my birthday?" He inquired seriously, but I only shook my head, smiling as his bewilderment continued. I wanted to kiss that silly confused look off of his face.

"I got it for you because it made me think of you." I told him, while sitting beside him.

"It's a present… just because?" He asked, and I had to laugh, before I nodded, because he was one of the smartest people I knew, yet he could not truly comprehend the fact that I got a present for him simply because I wanted to.

"Come on, open it," I encouraged and he slowly pulled the tissue paper out, looking adorable as it covered his lap and flew by him when he got a little impatient. As his eyes caught a glimpse of the fluffy brown teddy bear in the bottom of the bag, his entire face lit up. I could see his happiness running over his every feature, it was like I gave him some super expensive present, because he got so excited, and happy, but he didn't want to show it too much, so he fought to keep his smile from being obnoxious.

I wanted to kiss that smile. He pulled the stuffed animal out, and looked at the black button nose, the bright blue glass eyes, the fuzzy ears on his head, and the over stuffed tummy. He gripped it tightly against his chest, testing it's cuddle abilities, and then he scooted closer to me.

"Thank you Demyx! I haven't had a teddy since forever ago!" He giggled a little, and offered his arms for a hug, which I gladly accepted. How could I not hold him against my chest, close to my heat where he always resided? He belonged always in my arms. It was where he was supposed to be. It was where I wanted him. Laughter overcame me, before I tickled him. His peels of laughter were beautiful, they were more healing than anything else. We wrestled around for a while, with his new hyper mood, and eventually we fell onto the ground, tickling one another and laughing heavily into the otherwise silent room. It was a few absolutely normal, and perfect moments.

"Demyx, I don't know what I'd do without you, you're great." He said casually, but that was not something casual coming from him, so I rolled onto my side excitedly.

"You wouldn't be having a tickle-fight that's for sure!" I laughed lightly, and he rolled his eyes, but chuckled. We were normal teenage boys... We were.

"You're the best thing that's ever happened to me." He said finally, looking directly into my eyes as the syllables fell from his petal pink lips. I wanted to make them swollen like roses, with the pressure from a million frantic, silly kisses. I wanted his white lily skin under my fingertips. I wanted to shower him in love, gentle delicate caresses to his arms and back, warming nuzzles of our noses. I wanted to laugh with him, and feel like we were the only two people who had ever existed, or ever would.

"I feel the same about you." I replied.

"Kiss me, Demyx," So I did. It was soft, gentle, but unlike any of our other kisses, it was calm, it was true, and it was perfectly ours. Not a sudden need for comfort, and not an apology. That kiss was pure happiness. It was affirmation and trust. It was just love.

Was it too soon to ask him to be my boyfriend? I figured I'd wait for him to ask me…

! ! ! !

Hey so, another short chapter, but it was a nice place to end it =]

Reviews are sweet and loved!


	20. Chapter Nineteen

Chapter 19: Zexion

When he gave me an explanation of the present, he had told me that a stuffed animal could always help. I had laughed at him, and rolled my eyes, because really, how could a stuffed animal help? Later that week, when he was helping Sora with something and I was alone in our room, I figured out exactly how helpful a stuffed animal was, especially when it smelt just like him.

I could nuzzle my face in it, and take a deep breath. It was like holding a mini-Demyx close to my chest. When the real Demyx came back into the room, I was half asleep, clutching the bear to my torso, and hiding behind it's over stuffed head.

"Zexy?" He asked coyly, kneeling beside his bed, where I had burrowed under his blankets and wrapped myself up in everything that was Demyx like. I peeked over the teddy's ears, frowning at the ridiculously large smile spread over his face.

"What are you looking at?" I attempted to growl but it came out like the whine of a small child. He laughed lightly, and ruffled my hair.

"Well, since you asked, I am looking at the most adorable boy in the world, doing the cutest thing in the world, in my bed." His grin looked almost painful it was so wide. It made my frown lift a little.

"Please, Demyx, I just ate." I joked a lightly with him, snuggling back under the covers. He chuckled and kissed my hair. It was almost like we had been a couple forever, because I was getting used to, if not already used to the streams of sentiments he passed along to me. It was like we had been together forever, when, in truth, it had only been a few months. Not counting in our previous life. Speaking of which…

"I had another dream today, while you were gone." I said suddenly, popping my head out, catching his interested look. "Want to listen to it?" I asked softly, receiving a nod of approval from him, and so I began to recount it.

^///^

His arms were snaked around my neck, and I was trying to force myself to be pissed off, but it just wasn't working very well at all. I wanted to stay there with him, holding onto me, and keeping me safe. I knew I did not need him to keep me safe though, because I was strong enough on my own, I was stronger that he would ever be.

"Demyx, get off of me, would you?!" I growled loudly into his ear, only beckoning a flinch from the loud noise, and a small chuckle. I struggled a little, but was still much too tired to really argue with him about this. So I waited. I forced myself to relax, and close my eyes. His body was warm and comfortable against my own, and he smelt nice… after a while he became restless, and shifted, nuzzling his nose into my neck where his eyelashes tickled gently against my jaw bone.

"Zexion, I'm glad you're here still, you're my best friend." The melodious nocturne said suddenly. I spent a few seconds looking and feeling puzzled. I was his best friend? No, that had to be wrong, because I was a jerk to him, and I treated him so badly all the time. There was no way he could truly consider me his best friend. I opened my mouth to speak but he jumped back about three feet, looking odd. He waved his hand a little, and quickly fled the room.

What had just happened?

Aerith came in seconds later, looking at me peculiarly.

"What was all of that about?" Her soft voice asked softly, a small smile playing delicately on her frail lips. As I considered the question, asking myself the same thing, she readied the nasty medicine she had for me.

"I'm not quite sure, to be honest." I replied at long last, the tinkling of glass perforating the silence.

"Demyx is quite amusing," she continued. "He's a good person to have as your partner."

"Yeah…"

"Your medicine is ready!" She chimed in, turning to me with a caring look on her face.

^///^

He just sort of stared at me after I finished telling it to him, and I could only smile as his mind ticked away, trying to figure out exactly every detail.

"You were really injured still, and I got nervous. You were starting to speak, and I just _knew_ you were rejecting me again, and I wasn't really sure if I could have dealt with it then. I just wanted you to be mine." He reasoned, sounding logical and distant, almost as if he was not truly involved. I had to wonder, did he still want me to be his? I certainly wanted to claim him… I didn't say any of what was swirling around y head, because truthfully, how do you say some of those things to someone when you're unsure and nervous? Wasn't that the dilema for most people who had feelings for others? Wasn't I being stupid, because anyone who would put up with what he did from me, had to still be interested, and he had kissed me so many times that he just had to want me… Right? How was I intelligent and so idiotic at the same time?

! ! ! ! !

I'm really sorry this is short and sucks, I have writers block pretty badly. I needed to spit this out though…. LOL, anyways, I should hopefully have another chapter up soon, and we are nearing the end of the first part of the story. There will be a sequel, and I've already put stuff together for it. I just need to finish the first one =P lol Until next time!

Please review, it reminds me that I should actually post something.


	21. Chapter Twenty

Hello, I'm back, and I want to say thank you for the support, I enjoy the reviews I get =] Anyways, I have nothing much to say, just gonna start the chapter.

! ! ! !

Chapter 20: Zexion

More time had passed, in that slow and languid way that time always seemed to posses. I wanted to grasp it and make it stop, because for once I was truly feeling happy. It was due to Demyx, I knew that much, but I felt fear grow in the pit of my stomach as the days passed into another week. I felt like time was running out. I felt like something big was going to happen. I could almost taste the trails of pain it would bring, and the odd sixth sense brought on knowledge that it also had to do with Demyx, but also with Axel, Roxas, Sora, Riku, and even other people I had never known the name of, but now could name freely. What was happening to my mind?

Demyx was at another appointment. We thought the techs had done something strange to him, because he had been acting oddly, but also because he had been having a lot of check ups. We were worried, Axel and I especially. The pyro was a new topic all together. He and Roxas seemed to be fighting, and they hadn't shown too much stock towards each other in the first place, but not much seemed as it should be this time around. Axel was moping a lot more than usual, and Roxas appeared to be a little put off, or on edge. I wanted to ask what was going on, but I could not.

Axel was napping on his bed, and I was simply cleaning up his room, because he and Riku never did. I didn't like things to be messy like their space always was, I didn't understand how people could live in disorder like they did, it just annoyed me, to no end. So I picked everything up, and began dusting. Axel hated when I dusted because he always ended up sneezing, but it had to be done once in a while, I mean, no one truly wants bunnies clinging to their socks. Do they?

I hummed a little to myself as I thought things through, all of the crazy happenings that always seemed to be going on, and that's when it hit me.

^///^

It was like I had walked in on something I should not have. The hall way was dusky, the lights turned down, to a soft hue, for the mood I supposed. Everyone was inside still, enjoying the fancy dinner, and sophisticated dancing. Everyone except a familiar mop of red hair, and a short blonde. They were bickering a little, as usual, but in a good natured sort of way, and Roxas was smiling pleasantly while waving a cookie as he spoke, his hushed tones too soft for my own ears to pick up. He took a bite, closing his eyes while he did so, and when that happened, Axel dove. Not harshly, or obtrusively, but certainly not innocently either.

The pyro's hands grasped either side of the boy's face and the cookie fell to the floor with a definitive sound. Roxas's eyes popped open, widely, and he chewed carefully, swallowing rather dramatically after. Axel's face was only have apparent to me, but I could tell that he was not smirking, he was truly smiling, and as he leaned them closer together, his cats eyes closed, and his lips eased onto the younger boy's. Both enjoyed their soft few moments, both with their lids shut tightly, to savour the moment, but neither sensed me watching.

I felt odd, spying on them like this…. It was something special, and secret. I slunk back into the shadows and moved back into the foyer, where everyone else was still moseying around blandly. Demyx smiled at me from somewhere across the room, and I had to stop myself from smiling back. He looked good in a button down shirt and tie…

^///^

I turned my attention to Axel, my gaze slightly glazed over, recalling all the times I had seen Axel and Roxas together. Were they really an item before? I wished I knew, because maybe that was just one fluke. Maybe they were just horny, and got at each other. Who was I to judge?

Axel was snoring somewhat loudly, his mouth hanging open in the most adorable way I had ever seen for something so unattractive. His hair was not fluffy like normal, it hung limply all around his head, splayed over the pillow and looking almost as silky as Riku's. He looked all the part of a rocker that he was, but there was a soft sort of innocence in his face. He was truly a good person, and I was glad to call him my friend. I'd have to pay a lot more attention to Roxas and he. They seemed so playful when they had been in my room, but that was Axel, and I had chalked it up to that at the time as well. What if it wasn't just the pyro though? What if the bickering was just how they got along with each other, their sort of flirting?

I shook my head a little, to get the thoughts out, I would have to be patient and see on my own. I was no against waiting for something like that. I closed my eyes and sat down languidly on Riku's bed, which I had made a few minutes previously. It was soft, and smelt like ice. That sounded funny, but Riku reminded me of the fresh, and cold scent that wavered off of ice, the kind of smell that came out of a freezer on a hot day. Maybe that wasn't a smell, but a taste. Some tastes felt like smells though, I really didn't know. I found myself longing to cut though. It was random, out of the blue, but I began scolding myself for not knowing if it was truly a smell or just a taste or if it was just a feeling in general, and I felt my mind unfurl. The self hate reared its ugly head and I felt waves of angst pass through my body. It would feel good, to have a blade, slicing my thigh. It would feel really nice, and no one had to know, no one had to see it… What would I use?

"Axel?" I forced myself to call out his name, moving closer to him, sitting on his bed instead. Demyx wasn't around, but I knew I shouldn't cut, because he would find out, and even if he didn't, I would know. I would feel the full weight of the guilt bearing down on me. I didn't want to see him fall again. I didn't want him to be sad.

"Wake up, Ax." I nudged him a little, looking blandly at his fluttering sour apple eyes. He looked at me a little confused, and yawned in a feline sort of way. I didn't really wait for him to wake up, I nudged him over, so there was space for me, and I curled into the crook of his arm. He was relaxed as he wrapped an arm around my shoulders, and held me in a friendly way. Axel was a good person, a really good person.

He didn't ask me what was wrong, he seemed to get it, the urge that swept me off my feet, it wasn't truly logical, it was a force of habit, and it was something I was trying to beat. I would do it. I would be able to. Demyx and the pyro said so. If they said so, then they had to be right… Right? What would happen if they were wrong?

I pinched my eyes shut and ignored that, because it was not what I should have been thinking at that moment. I fisted Axel's sweatshirt, and tried to even out my breathing. He was asleep again, but I didn't care. His hand was inbetween my shoulder blades and I was reminded that he did care, that Demyx loved me, that Axel loved me, that they would always take care of me if I needed someone to take care of me. They were a house and shelter from everything else.

I wondered how Axel was doing. I never asked, not nearly enough anyways. What if he was falling apart inside and I was just being stupid and selfish? I really had to pay more attention to him. He deserved to be happy, and I was truly going to make him that way, as much as I could anyways.

I soon fell into a soft slumber, and was awakened later by Demyx's arrival into the room. When I looked at him through a sleepy haze, I saw the familiar envy spiked in his eyes. I smiled languidly at him, and got up, as Axel was stretching. I greeted him with a warm hug, nuzzling into his neck with my nose.

"Hey there," he laughed a little, hugging my tightly to his chest. "You're nose is freezing!" He scoffed as I nestled closer to his heat. I smiled pleasantly and stayed there, gripping his strong back, and calmly swaying a little, which turned into an odd sort of dance thing. He laughed lightly, and kissed my hair, before swinging me around, peels of giggles coming from both of us as our speed increased and we crashed into Axel on the bed, beckoning a strangled yelp and his own laughter.

"You idiots, get off of me!" His voice was hysterically benevolent and he thrashed a little, poking us each int turn which ended up with us flying at him, to tickle him to death. His eyes were shut tightly as tears sprang from laughing incessantly, and Demyx and I giggle more, not relenting despite getting hit a few times by his flying limbs.

It was good fun, all of us agreed when we finally collapsed near one another.

! ! ! ! !

Alright, so what did you think? I know it's oddly a lot of fluff, but I have my own reasons for that. I've already gotten a good deal of the next chapter done, and I really need to update my ED fic, so I'm sorry if any of you that read both of these are upset with me for the lack of update on that one, but I just haven't been in the right state of mind to write it. I do have the next chapter written, but it's not what I want to happen, so I'm rewritting it.

Anyways, until next time, stay happy and safe.


	22. Chapter Twentyone

Funny thing about this chapter.... I wrote it... I guess. lmao, I went to write it last night and was like "Whoa... it's already written and I wrote an end author's note and all.... wow.... when did I do that?" so... yeah =] I'm billiant sometimes . Enjoy!!

! ! ! !

Chapter 21: Zexion

Tears of salt were falling from my eyes at a rate I could not stand. I was making these God awful sounds too, gasps and whimpers, strangled coughs, and drowning hiccups. I probably looked like a mess, with my hair damp, from my recent shower and my crying fit. My skin looked especially pale that day, and by the time we look at the scene in question, I most likely had the most ridiculous blotches of flamboyant red. I couldn't bring myself to care more than a shred, which was simply just self consciousness creeping into my mind.

I was alone in my room, with a razor blade so close. How had I gotten one, you ask? Well, the same way I had always gotten them. I bought it from the school's store using my allotted credits there. I had hidden them from Demyx and Axel. I had let the idea take a hold of my mind. It had been two months. I had to keep reminding myself of that. Two months since I had cut last, I was doing so well, I was stronger now, and I was getting better. I was doing so well. I was doing well. So well… I was doing so well… Why was I sitting in a room, all alone with a neon green disposable razor next to me, dismantled for easy use? Well, that one I did not have an answer to. I wasn't sure why I had made that situation for myself, I simply had. It was something I had wanted, and I had simply gone ahead and done it.

Not _it_ exactly. I had yet to take the blade to my skin, but I was close. I felt all the flashbacks taking me over again. I couldn't manage all of it anymore. I couldn't deal. I decided that I needed the razor. I told myself that no one would have to know, but at the same time, I knew I wouldn't be able to keep it a secret. I would get too guilty, and I would lose control. Demyx and Axel would notice the changes in my demeanor, and they would ask. I wasn't too sure that I could lie to them.

I tucked the blade away in my bedside table, seeing as it would not fit in a book because I had not taken all the plastic off. I then left the room and went looking for someone, anyone. I needed help. I would not admit it out loud, but I knew that I needed to be near to someone, and away from the intense trigger. If I was with someone, the flashbacks would slow, or stop. The person could just distract me, who ever it was. I needed someone. I never thought I'd see the day that I thought that, but I suppose that it had to happen eventually if I hadn't already killed myself.

I turned down a corner to Axel and Riku's room, but when I knocked there was no answer, and the door was locked. I chewed upon my bottom lip a small bit, weighing out my options, and I went to Roxas and Sora's room. There was a small grunt when I knocked on the door, and then some shuffling. When the door was opened, Riku was peering out at me, his hair a mess, and his cheeks flushed. All of his clothing looked disheveled and I did not have to use my imagination to come up with a reason. I didn't know what to say to him, I just stared up at him, a little speechless. I had just interrupted he and his boyfriend getting it on.

"I'm sorry," I mumbled, tempted to jog off. I was such an idiot. I shouldn't have bothered them. I should have just dealt with it on my own. I started to move away, and that's when he laughed a little.

"Come on, get in," He tugged my arm, which made me jump. Yes, I was used to physical contact from most people now, but Riku was not one of them. We were friendly now, out of necessity I told myself, but that didn't warrant him doing something truly kind for me. It was slightly unnerving and I was more than a little put off by it. Was Riku feeling alright?

He pulled me inside of the room nonetheless, and I was met with the view of a disheveled Sora, with flaming cheeks, and rumpled clothing. He smiled brightly, but seemed unsure of what was going on.

"I'm really sorry, I didn't mean to interrupt, I'll just go and-"

"Don't worry about it. Axel and Demyx are studying in the library I believe, but you can stay here," Sora offered kindly. I was probably as red in the face as he was.

"No, I should really go find them…" I said while sliding out of the room a little, despite Riku who was seemingly guarding it. Neither said anything as I slipped away quietly, but I had no doubt in my mind that they would go right back to whatever sexual act the had started before I bothered them. The walk to the library was not difficult, and I found my guitarist and his best friend easily enough once inside. Both of their backs were turned to me, and I felt oddly… cuddly? I snuck up behind them, and wrapped my arms around Demyx's back, holding my chest tightly against his body, and nuzzling my face into the space in between his shoulder blades. He jumped and turned his head to look down at me, a warm smile spread over his lips before he turned and nearly glomped me. During the hug he picked me up, swinging me a little, well hidden in between shelves, from the librarian who would have not stood to see such behavior in her library.

"Hey Zexy baby." I was greeted finally, with a kiss to my cheek, and an arm looped around my shoulders. It was comfortable, and he had a smile tugged onto my lips without me even realizing.

"Don't call me that," I rolled my eyes, and looked at Axel who looked pensively sad.

"Oh, but it sounds like sexy baby, and you are that!" He whispered excitedly, his own energy getting him carried away. I forced my best glare, but my blush was too overpowering for it to look genuine.

Axel chuckled at that, and Demyx full on giggled. We spent a while in the library, looking for various materials for reading in our English class, and when we finally left the library, we felt tired, and Demyx seemed oddly… horny. I assumed there must be some sort of hormonal thing going on in the air, because he did not know how to keep his hands to himself. It wasn't anything full on perverted, just a little too much rubbing of my back than normal, his hands dipped low on my hips when he had an arm around my waist at one point, and I could have sworn he was looking at my ass. But I did not comment on any of that, because I did not truly want to confront him about that, and he didn't seem to be pushing me either.

I wasn't sure if I was ready for that… It hadn't been too long since everything with Seth…

The day went by too quickly, nothing exciting happened, and nothing too monumental either, we spent time doing homework, studying and sleeping, like normal. When we finally turned in for the night, Axel slept in my bed, and Demyx and I turned into my guitarist's, cuddling like normal. We still hadn't gotten a night light yet, so in turn, we simply spent every night together. Neither of us complained.

When the morning dawned and I was greeted with the prospect of a slow Saturday morning, I felt more comfortable than normal in my lover's arms. My lover. I considered that phrase in my mind and toyed with the prospects that came with it. Was I ready? Demyx and I were a couple without the title, everyone was aware of that, but at the same time, we lacked the sexual aspect of it all. There was only cuddling and innocent kisses between us. Did he want more? More importantly, did _I_ want more? I hadn't truly thought about it, because I constantly had dreams in which Demyx and I were doing less than innocent things, but I knew it was simply because they were the memories from our previous lifetime, and I knew we had truly been lovers back then. With all of the benefits of it. I had not really thought of it too much while awake… even if I had woken up from some of those dreams with an erection.

I thought more and more about it, while curled gently in his bed. I looked over his face, and what I could spy of his body from the curves of the blanket. I thought of all those dreams where our lips crashed together and our bodies glided seamlessly along one another's. It was not the most intelligent thing I ever did.

"Morning, Zexy," he greeted me, and smiled. My cheeks were a little flushed. I felt ridiculous, because I had just turned myself on, and not thought through what might happen, such as getting caught with a hard on while checking out the boy I was cuddling with. I was thankful that our lower halves were not anywhere near touching.

"Good morning," I said softly, receiving a gentle kiss on my nose. This was not uncommon anymore, he did it quite often, but instead of allowing him to do it, on a fleeting impulse, I tilted my head at just the last second and the kiss landed directly on my lips. He smiled a little and I moved my hand to his cheek, to keep him from pulling back. We kissed countless times, streams of warm, damp kisses, not innocent but not purely sexual either, and then that's when it happened. When I pushed us a step forward, and teased his bottom lip with the tip of my tongue. My eyes were shut tightly as we kissed, deeper and more intimately. I savored each flicker of our tongues together, and the passing of our lips, I loved the way he smelt, so close, and how warm his skin was against mine. I did not want any of it to stop.

We shifted, only a little, but it brought all of our bodies closer together, and I was half on top of him. My lungs were burning, but we caught little sips of air between the slight partings of our lips, when we returned to pecks on the lips, and then dove back into the less innocent kinds of kissing. My hips pressed down into his body, and I was straddling one of his legs, with his thigh held against my groin. There was no way he was not going to be able to tell that I was hard now. Then again, I could easily tell that he was as well.

His hands were on my hips while he was kissing me, but as my fingertips tore through his hair, his drifted down to my buttocks, running over my pajama clad skin. He gripped it a little, and involuntarily grinded my groin into his high, and rubbed my own leg against his manhood. I moaned softly into his mouth, and he shuddered at the slightly unexpected events. A cough from across the room brought us back to our senses.

I wanted him. I wanted him, badly. Reluctantly, we moved away, both blushing furiously. Axel was sitting up on my bed now, running his hands through his hair.

"I have to go to the bathroom," I announced, before darting out of the room, nearly having a heart attack. I wondered if the pyro had been watching. It would have been awkward but I would not have put it past him. I supposed we should not have been making out with him sleeping in the other bed though… Then again I had kind of forgotten he was there. Demyx had been a little more than distracting…

! ! ! !

Greetings! So this is short, again with al this shortness, I'm sorry! I just… well, it's either get short chapters or get nothing… *sigh* Big news!! (Or slightly annoying news.. A little bit of both) I have agreed to aid my friend with his SBC thing. It's Sims Broadcasting Company, and it's on you tube, um, I'm his writer now I guess, only for one show. I'm going to have my hands full with it though . I have no clue what the hell I'm even doing with it. He just asked me a few hours ago, and hasn't given me the skeleton for it. If any of you are interested, I could give you the run down. The first episode is supposed to be up on April 16th, so idk. I'm not too excited, but I also am all dizzy like, and have a lot of other stuff on my plate. Looks like I will be failing at life more than normal to complete that, my school work, and helping along my friends.

OTHER EXCITING STUFF!!! The Harry Potter preview for Deathly Hollows is airing tomorrow!! I'm so excited!!! Well, I'm off to find the wizard now, in my dreams, la la la, I'm so tired. I'm thinking of writing Lord of the Rings fan fiction once I finish the books. I' finally getting around to reading The Fellowship of the Ring. I'm doing it for English class, and therefore killing two birds with one stone. I should re-read HP7 for English next to get back into my uber HP mode, the movie marathon is helping quite a bit though… I must say…


	23. Chapter 22

Chapter 22: Zexion

Things had been going well, and everything was pretty quiet around our group of friends. We all ate regular meals together on the week days, and our activities varied throughout the weekends. I enjoyed the languid feeling of strolling through my days. I felt like everything was going to be okay. I had not completely accepted the rapes, but it seemed surreal, almost like a movie. Surely it wasn't me who had been there. I had pushed the memories so far away from me that I could almost see it from an out of body sort of vision. It was not me there, it never had been.

Demyx and I were in art, I was still molding the heart, carefully filing down the pages, sculpting them, making hollow parts to what needed to be hollowed out to bake in the kiln correctly, and then reshaping it all back together. The guitarist was simply watching me like he did sometimes. His pencil bounced lazily in between his fingers, the eraser tapping on his sketch pad. A sad looking flower hung dead on the page. I called it sad, not because it was depressing, but instead because it was mildly disappointing. Demyx could not draw to save his life. He was a musician; he created sound. I was the artist; I gave form to things, and I replicated them from my mind's eyes as if they were clones.

"Very good, Zexion." The teacher praised me as he looked in our direction. I nodded in thanks and looked at the blonde who was still watching me so intently. I had to wonder what he was thinking, because it was quite apparent that he was contemplating something very deeply. I tilted my head to the side, and felt my lips crest into a smile.

"What's on your mind, Demyx?" I asked softly, while dipping my fingertips into warm water, and returning my gaze to my project, while smoothing some of the earthy materials.

"You," he replied without missing a beat, his voice far away and dreamy. I felt like my face was suddenly set aflame.

"And what about me?" I asked in a tone that I tried to make sound bored, but I was not sure if it worked or not, because I only felt nervous. He didn't answer right away, but instead turned his attention to his pad of paper. He chewed on the eraser of the pencil and furrowed his brows.

"A lot of stuff about you."

"Like what?" I pestered which felt unlike me. I wasn't simply taking no for an answer, like I normally would if Demyx decided to be difficult like he was now. He looked at me sideways, his eyes narrowed a little in an unsure, sort of on edge nervous look. He continued to snack on his eraser. "What about me, Demyx? I want to know." I said more delicately, feeling that this was not something to ask for forcefully.

"Can we talk about this later?" His voice cracked a little, and I smiled.

"Sure, anything for you oh Melodious Nocturn." I said in a sing-song voice, making him laugh slightly. I knew that had been his codename for our assignments during our previous life, but I could not recall a time when I had used it aloud in this life.

? ? ?

What must have been hours passed, and we were at dinner, the round table stuffed full with our friends, Sora, and Roxas side by side, with Axel and Riku on their other sides, and next to Ax, sat my guitarist, and then me. There was one empty seat in between the silver haired teen and I.

The pyro was poking at Roxas's food, and Sora was giggling at the words his twin was muttering under his breath. I watched them, with my hands on either side of my dinner plate, and Demyx's fingertips so close to the back of my hand. His index finger kept twitching and he seemed to be focused terribly on his plate, watching the pork like it would jump up and eat him instead of the other way around.

"Demyx?" I inquired softly, looking at him with an inquiring glance. "Are you alright?" I tilted my head a little, and he smiled, nodding at me, but that smile was not the beautiful full one I loved, it was fake and we both knew it. He seemed nervous still.

"I'm fine Zexy," he laughed a little, poking me. "Get eating, I wanna talk to you after dinner." I nodded a little, and began eating with a renewed pace, and I felt like I was pigging out because of it.


	24. Chapter 23

Do you wanna know why some of my updates are so late? I forget that I wrote them . Really, I think sleep would be good for me. I wrote this chapter and the end note almost a full week ago. Today I freaked out while walking across a parking lot because thought a jumper cable on the ground was a squid. This is what my mind does due to never sleeping.

! ! ! !

Chapter 23: Demyx

His eyes were hidden behind cobalt strands, like clouds, covering the beautiful cerulean of the sky. I wanted to capture them and claim them as mine forever. I told myself that that might come soon enough. I hoped, anyways. His body was perched on his own bed, he looked so frail and tiny. It was almost as if he was a girl, thin and delicate, needing protection.

"Demyx, I'm waiting." His gentle voice was like a fragment of music, a phrase that faded off into perfection. My head bowed a little and I gave a short, hollow laugh. We had been sitting like this for almost twenty minutes, and I was surprised his patience had lasted this long.

"I know, I'm sorry, Zexion." I heaved air from my lungs and closed my eyes slowly. I needed to focus. "I don't know how I want to start this, I've been over-thinking it and nothing seems to be the right thing to say to you."

"Then blurt it out." He instructed, as if it was that simple, I shook my head in response and received a frown from him.

"Yes you can Demyx, you know full well that you could do it, you simply do not _wish_ to." He sounded like a scholar, his English even falling back on proper grammar skills in his frustration. He was everything I wanted, so why couldn't I tell _him_ that? Maybe it was too soon, it had only been two or three months since Seth's vanishing, and maybe he hadn't healed. Maybe he didn't feel exactly the same as I did. Maybe he would be afraid of me after I asked. Maybe he would leave me all alone again.

"Demyx," his voice commanded attention, it was sharp like a blade, and venomous like a python. I forced my nervous gaze onto his own firm, asserted one. "Tell me what it is now, I'm jumping to conclusions that I doubt are the truth of the matter." As much as it was simply _not_ the time to notice it, I did notice how absolutely attractive he was when he was fuming, a little pissed but not too badly. He was perfectly sexy when his mood was murderous too though, he was simply not at that level yet.

"Demyx! God damnit! Will you focus for just five more minutes please?" His tone sliced through my thoughts again like my mind was bree cheese.

"Sorry, sorry, well to um begin, Zexion, I… I would like to tell you once again, that I do truly love you." The introduction left him frowning, with worry forcing his brows to furrow and curiosity shimmer in the gloss of his eyes. I paused for too long, because he coughed violently in an obvious way that said 'continue now.'

"Yeah, and I-I'll understand if you don't like the idea, okay? So don't worry about pleasing me, alright? I only want what's best for you, okay?" I was starting to sound like I was repeating myself even though I was not, and his tipped up eyebrows and half smirk hinted that he noticed that as well. "Will you be mine?" I blurted quite suddenly, swiping the expression off of his face, to replace it with nothing. All emotion was gone from his visage for a few moments.

"What?"

"I'll take real good care of you, I'm a wonderful boyfriend I-"

"I know you are a great boyfriend, Demyx, I remember." His casual frown was back in place, his eyes hiding a ticking brain, his thoughts clearly going in depth, his focus barely even on the conversation.

"You don't have to decide right now, I just wanted to say something or ask, and don't worry about what you say, I want what's best for you." Ah, there was repetition I had felt earlier. He must have been thinking I was so stupid for asking for such a thing so soon. It was too soon for him, and now he thought that I was going to just be using him for my own lustful fits, and selfish ways.

"You don't have to decide at all really, I'm fine not knowing, it's okay." I smiled brightly at him, laughing off the seeping nervousness that was do damn close to breaking apart my sanity. What if he really _did_ feel like I was doing this just for those things Seth had used him for? What if he thought I was a bad person now, for trying to take advantage of him. I wasn't taking advantage of him, right? Maybe I was, because he had never wanted to be with me before Seth, so why would he now? He just wanted someone to be close to him. It didn't have to be me. He probably liked Axel better.

"You know, I'm going to go do some homework, alright? I have a lot, and I'm such a bad student, I never get it all done." I scratched the back of my head and laughed, before I strode over to the door.

"Demyx," The sound of his voice was like a bark of anger. "You sit your ass down, and we're going to talk." His gaze was like a boulder, strong and unmovable. He followed me with his eyes as I sat back down, further from him than before. "Now, why do you ask for this?"

"What?"

"Demyx, you are blonde, I understand that fact, but I know at the same time that you are not stupid no matter how ridiculous you act sometimes. I expect this conversation to be in-depth and intelligent." His tone was so harsh, but when he finished, he resisted a small smile. "Answer the question, nocturne."

"Uh… what was the question?" I laughed a little and scratched the back of my head once more, butterflies pulverized my insides. He rolled his eyes and flicked his hair out of his face.

"Why are you asking now, and not later, or previously?"

"Oh… that one." I bit my lip and considered my answer carefully. "I was too afraid to before and well, it felt right to do it now, I don't want you to think I'm using you I want you to know that something is here, not just in our previous life." I managed, despite feeling my pulse in my throat. His gaze softened, and he looked pleased by that response. I felt a wave of relief wash over me before another bout of panic convulsed into my heart, in response to his calm lean towards my body, and the way his lips ascended towards mine. It was a deep kiss, filled with passion and relief. Maybe he had been afraid I didn't want him after everything that had happened. I felt better when he pulled away and his lush lashes revealed that the smile on his face reached his eyes.

! ! ! !

Okay, so, I'm a very bad person xD haha I have been so terrible at updating and now, instead of filling out my scholarship essays and applications, I have elected to write this. I finished 7 essays already xD sooooo I think this was a nice little break. I'm going insane about explaining why I deserve EVERY scholarship I can find. I want them, but truly, can't I just fill it out and not have to write 500 words about it???

Hahaha anyways, I'm going to go now, I'm cold and I need to sleep I think.


	25. Chapter 24

So, to begin with, since I found out I wrote the last chapter already, I've decided to get started on this next chapter. In an attempt to start, I started writing my name and filling out the heading like it was for school. I probably should not be writing right now. Well, here I go anyways.

! ! ! !

Chapter 24: Zexion

Spring turned into summer which is my least favorite of all the seasons normally. Long sleeves when it's ninety degrees out is not too pleasant. Bandages covered the scars, but I wore short sleeved tops now, loose cotton things that belonged to Demyx and were too big for me. I was always in his clothing, I wore his pajama pants, shirts, when it was cool I would wear his sweatshirts and he seemed fond of it, always teasing me lightly, before he kissed my temple and let a sea breeze wash over my mind.

Demyx was the summer, he was the beach, the waves, the water, the rain on a steamy day, he was a playful river that wound all around a beautiful forest. He was warm, tanned, and he glistened with innocence that was difficult to believe. I knew he was not pure. I knew he was not strictly innocent, but I also knew that in his actions, he was. He was pure and clean, he was fresh cotton on a clothing line by the sea.

Summer vacation had begun, various things were happening, those of the student body who lived there under the ruse of it being a boarding school left, and those who were orphans or simply sold into it stayed among the brick walls. No one in out clique went home. Demyx toyed with my hair as I read something, a book I had found in the library. We laid down on the ground in the courtyard which was littered with people, Roxas was off in one end sat on a bench and watched the clouds. Riku was placed a wreath of flowers onto Sora's head, they both laughed and then kissed lightly. Then there was Axel. Axel was watching Roxas, he looked like a dying man. A tortured man trapped inside of a boy's body, wishing to be set free, to do just what he wanted to. I placed my book onto my chest, the binding open still to save my page, but I wanted to watch Axel.

I wanted to do something but I knew that it was not simply that easy. Over the weeks and months I had known everyone, I had discovered Roxas and Axel's odd relationship of jealousy, inconsistency and friendship. I witnessed Axel's undying devotion to Roxas, despite his ignorance to the fact Roxas did notice it. I watched as the blonde skater boy stared in deep set envy at the affection the pyro showed to Demyx and I. They loved each other but were both too stubborn to admit it to themselves.

A fist curled around the binding of my book, as I focused so firmly upon the space between the two. Axel was deteriorating, you could form a conjecture like that simply enough, because his hair was lackluster, his eyes were hazed, is skin was insipid and bland. In all, his lively countenance had gone, leaving the shell of what he had been.

Demy leaned his face close into my hair while taking a deep breath and enjoying the scent that drifted into his nostrils. He smiled and nuzzled into me a smidge. In stark contrast to Axel, my guitarist had come alive, with his eyes like the endless sky reflecting out from his face, the pristine glow of his skin, the golden radiance of his hair. Demyx was alive and basking within the glory of being in love. I turned to look at him with the intention of speaking but the soft warmth of his damp lips brushed up against my mouth. His eyes were shut, the lashes long and delicate upon his glowing cheeks. My eyelids slipped shut and a blush ran to my cheeks when one of his hands sifted through y hair, the other on my hip elegantly. Demyx flustered me so much.

"Zexy, I love you." He threaded the words into kisses and stole my breath when I opened my mouth the return the sentiment. I felt dizzy for more than just want of air. Sometimes I couldn't understand the way he made me feel, sometimes I couldn't fathom why he felt like that, but mostly I just accepted it and moved on with my life. He loved me, I loved him. We didn't need anything else.

I forgot what I had been about to say as he kissed me again and again, taking me from the place I was sitting to laying on the grass upon my side, pulled to his chest. Our noses touched as we stared at each other's eyes, and then he kissed me again, so softly, with those damp petal lips. So carefully, almost hesitantly, his tongue slid onto my lips, but as I tried to meet him with my own, he kissed me gently again, teasing lightly.

He drove me crazy.

I wanted to drown in the essence of him, I wanted to let the tides of Demyx flow over me, taking me to new lands, carrying me to safety and always holding on so lovingly. E stopped kissing me again, whispering of his adoration, which I returned this time without interruption of kisses. The sun was setting by he time we left the garden, the stars were just barely peeking out from behind the deep abyss of space. Demyx's hand was in mine, his eyes focused on me, while mine traveled around as if I could not focus which was far from the truth, I simply felt weird starring at him so intently.

"I'm going to rest, I'll come to dinner later, alright?" I asked gently, my attention fully devoted to him now as we stood outside of our room. Demyx nodded, before catching me by the cheek gently, with his hand cupping it carefully, and he kissed me again. His departure was not something I wanted. My boy felt bare and cold. It was like his presence had given me life and when he walked away, he took it all with him. I was in a good mood, there was nothing wrong, so I wasn't sure why I did what I did next. As I shut the door, I let Axel's man-on-fire look seep into my mind once more. I thought of my selfishness, I allowed my old insecurities to creep up, all the ones about not being good enough, of being unnatural, imperfect, diseased, disgusting, unworthy… Axel deserved a better friend, because I had forgotten about him, Demyx deserved a better boyfriend because I always let him down. I was so contemptible it was repulsive.

I knew where the blade was, the neon color of it was like one of those glowing signs in the city. I lifted my mattress a little, and retrieved the small plastic and steel piece. I held it like it was going to bite, and it very well could have… in a sense of course. I didn't think too much besides the nagging self-disgust and the vagrant want of the blade. I didn't think of the fact that it had been about 5 months since I had sliced up my skin last. I didn't think of how well I had been doing. All I thought of was the way that the blade would feel, torn against my skin. All I thought of was how beautiful the iron-rich substance would be if I released it from my body. All I wanted was the endorphins that would rush into my mind and envelope me in sweet bliss for a few moments. I ignored the fact that it would all turn to shit after when the guilt and panic set in. I remembered the parts of cutting that were nice, but I chose to forget the ones that showed me just how much it was not worth it. I disregarded the bad to embrace my old ways.

The blade hurt more than I had remembered. It wasn't as cleansing as I had thought, it truly hurt, but the rush after came seeping into my mind with reverence. The cooling calmness was what I had missed. I pressed the blade into my hipbone again, and slide it over the small protrusion of my bone. I felt the air heave out of my lungs peacefully, as my thoughts drifted away from the frenzy they had been in.

Footsteps were outside of the door. I panicked and shoved the blade under the mattress after pulling my pants and shirt to cover the evidence. The person kept walking by, but the wake up call had been brought, and my mind was now realizing that Demyx would find out. That he would have to know. Responsibility for my own actions slammed into me like a brick wall and it was starkly clear that I had made a large mistake.

What would Demyx think of me now? What about Axel? I thought of the conversation the pyro and I had had when he disclosed his burning problems, and I felt a wave of sickness wash over me. I had ruined everything for something so small and insignificant. I would lose their trust and respect. I would hurt them both with the little mistake. Or was it a large mistake? I wasn't quite sure in truth.

A few days passed by, and nothing happened. I kept my relapse hidden, I kept myself away from time alone near the razor and most importantly I spent my time with Demyx, to keep busy and happy. If a bad mood did strike me, the guitarist could make it disappear, he could make me feel like everything would be okay. With him, I felt safe. I had begun to forget that I had relapsed in the first place.

"Zexy?" Demyx's voice was warmth through the cold of the air conditioned library.

"Yes, Demyx?" I asked while glancing up from my notebook where I had been taking notes for one of our summer assignments. Demyx's eyes were dusty blue, an odd sort of color, sort of clouded. I smiled softly at the small smirk on his lips.

"I want to move, come dance with me!" His voice was low but he was excited, that much was obvious as the enthusiasm in his voice was unmistakable. I closed my books and got up, following him out of the studying space, like a little puppy. I loved him. He wrapped an arm around my shoulders as we walked despite the glares from the occasional other students. I listened as he hummed something to himself, and walked through our room door as he held it open for me. He laughed a little and grabbed me around the waist, kicking the door shut. He held me to his body, his abdomen pressed against the top of my own, and his chest on mine. He was taller so I felt like a girl as he spun us around, humming to himself.

"Demyx, aren't we supposed to be dancing to music?" My question came out half giggled as he smiled down at me, and shook his head. "Why not?"

"We don't need music to move together." He replied simply and ran a hand through my hair gently. I blushed lightly as his body pressed closer to my own and he kissed me deeply. The dancing did not stop, but instead sped up and in turn it morphed into something sexual, our torsos rubbing against one another to the pulsing beating of our hearts. One of his hands were on the small of my back, the other was grabbing wildly at my ass, while mine were on his chest and in his hair. I kept pulling him closer and closer to me, and I was insistent on bringing our bodies nearer.

"Demyx," The gasped half moan was in the air before I could stop it when his mouth attached to my neck, his groin rubbed up against mine and in turn I felt his member against my leg, erect from the excitement. I twisted out of his grasp, kissing him, and turning instead, my arms were raised above my head, interlocked in his hair as my back pressed onto his stomach. They I forced my ass onto his groin, grinding into it hard, and exacting a strangled moan from his lips. His hands flew down to my hips where he held me in place, fake music blasted in my mind as we moved in tandem, grinding and rubbing each other like animals in heat.

Then he tore away, his eyes even more clouded by a dusty expression I now realized was lust. He kissed me furiously, not sparing a second for regrets as he feverishly explored my mouth. He held no reservations when I moved us over to the bed, and I wanted nothing more in that moment than I wanted to feel his skin upon my own. So we did just that. Carefully I stripped his shirt off, caressing each muscle as they became seen, and he gently removed my top, we laid down, his strong and heated body was atop my own frail countenance. I wanted to touch him all over, I wanted him to touch me.

"Zexy, is this too much?" His timid voice came suddenly, when he snapped back from another passionate kiss. Worry formed creases on his forehead that looked foreign and obtrusive. It took me a few moments to understand exactly what he was saying. I wanted him so badly, I could feel his finger tips ghost over my hair, and I wanted them to be in so many other places that it was not even funny. Couldn't he brush them along my stomach, down over my pubic hair, all over my shaft up onto the tip or my erection? Could he not do that and leave conversation for another time.

"No, not at all, I want you Demyx." I whispered against his lips as I leaned to kiss him. It made a blush pop onto my cheeks at how brusque I had been. He shivered a little bit and pulled on my hair, forcing me back into the pillow. Now, that was sexy.

"Are you sure, Zexy-bear?" He cooed, with a playfulness as his body lifted off of mine and his hands untwined from my slate locks. He grinned like the Cheshire Cat, and crawled down my body, his lips barely brushing my skin in teasing kisses that made my skin tingle. His breathing was light and tickled just as the few strands of his hair did that reached down over his face.

"Y-yeah…" my voice was dying in my throat, my eyes simply glued to his as his tongue started to swirl over my stomach.

"What do you want, Zexion?" He whispered against the low rise of my pants, his teeth nipping at the skin just above my hips.

"I don't know, fuck, Demyx, don't tease." I whined a little, finding it so odd that I was being this… different than my normal self. Demyx always took care of me. Demyx was a good boy. Demyx was always good to me. Demyx knew what he was doing. I trusted Demyx. Right then and there, the boy was unzipping my pants. The pressure was releasing slowly, the forces keeping my erection sheathed were disappearing. I felt him tugging at my boxers as air left my lungs. I wanted him so badly. I could almost feel the wet warmth of his mouth around my cock. I was almost trembling with the anticipation when he suddenly stopped. I whimpered a little, noticing for the first time that my eyes were shut tightly and I had been biting my lip pretty viciously. I looked down at my guitarist dazedly, when the situation became clear. Two big ugly red slices were on my right hip, staring him in the face.

"Oh, Demyx, I'm sorry, I can explain." I whispered hurriedly while I pulled up the cloth underwear, and zipped my pants up so quickly. I had forgotten. I couldn't believe I had forgotten. He was going to hate me for it, he was going to be so upset. He was going to leave me. "I'm so sorry, Demyx, it's okay, it is, I was going to tell you, but-"

"Zexion, it's not okay, and I don't think you were." He said numbly out of nowhere. I wanted to cry. I hadn't meant for him to find out, let alone that way. I didn't know what to say to make it any better. I wished it had never happened, I wished he hadn't seen but that couldn't change anything at all, because we are not allowed to go back and change our pasts. All I could do was stare my lover in the face and hope he would forgive me.

! ! ! !

Late, I know, I'm really sorry. In return I gave you fan service. I had prom and school work and my last day of school was just this past Friday, sooo I should have more time to write. I love you all, thank you for all the support, I'm on to the next chapter now.

Just so you know, this half of the series will be coming to an end soon, I have 21 pages written of the closing segment haha soooooooo that will be cool…. When I finish it. I'm like half done. Then we'll be on to part 2 haha which… I haven't planned at all… so… there might not be a sequel? I don't know. I have another Zexym in the making! It's cute so far, dark of course, but no cutting. I hope I'll be able to figure out what my plot was going to be for part two but if I don't I'll take a hiatus from this story and outline it while posting the next Zexym fic I have that has like 3 chapters already. Anyways, it's getting late, love you all!

R & R please!


	26. Chapter 25

FrankIeroRules, this chapter has parts dedicated to you for being awesome and as my little birthday present to you since you live WAY too far away for me to do anything else! HAPPY BIRTHDAY! Plus, if I knew your address that would just be creepy! Much love to you on your birthday! I'm writing this on about 4 hours of sleep after my huge all night graduation party at the school. I will edit but there will probably be mistakes still.

ENJOY!

! ! ! ! !

Chapter 25: Zexion

"Demyx, please try to understand, I was going to tell you, I really was, I swear on my life. It just happened two days ago and I didn't know what to say to tell you. Please, Demyx, please believe me. I would have told you, I was just scared and I was hesitant." I rambled as tears prickled in my eyes and I reasoned internally how I had no right to cry. It was my fault. It was all of my fault. His eyes were mixed with so many different emotions and I wished they were still dusty with lust, or even shimmering with happiness but none of the hurt looks that were written all over his face. I loved Demyx most when Demyx was smiling.

"Why did you do this?" His steady voice entered into the room and it was not devoid of emotion. He was upset, clearly, and he was angry sounding. I wanted to look away from him and hide myself but that would be cowardly and he deserved more than that.

"I got upset and I just let myself go…" I replied very carefully.

"Why were the razors even here?"

"I.. got them, Demyx, but I know I shouldn't have. I know it was bad, I put temptation there that didn't have to be and, and like, well, I know… it, well, after I did it, it hit me what I did. I was ashamed, I still am. I'm sorry, Demyx, but I was disgusted by myself and I was scared to tell you, I was gonna say something the next time it came up or when the time felt right." I rambled with no real purpose or desire to stop, I was guilty and felt that I needed to explain myself to Demyx, otherwise I would not deserve his time and energy.

"I don't want to believe you." His words showed that he did in fact believe me though and I was thankful. Our bodies were pressed again in a few seconds yet it was simply a hug, so tight it felt constricting to my breathing but I didn't want it to stop. I hadn't lost him, I had Demyx in my arms still and he still wanted me in his. His eyes leaked a bitter salt solution and it dripped down over my spine. I could not ignore his crying and when he pulled away the anger written all over his features was like a hard slap across the face. His eyelashes were laced together and shimmered with the left over tears but his eyes were hard and cold.

"D-Demyx?"

"Zexion, things are going to have to change, I used to watch you very closely but obviously it wasn't enough." Venom stung and I couldn't help but flinch from it and feel like something was going to go very wrong. "I'm going to have to check your body, I don't trust you." Images suddenly flew through my mind, clips of Demyx scouring my body with his eyes looking at the scars and searching for cuts. He'd see all the mutilation, the humiliation would be terrible. I had never willing fully shown anyone.

"No, you can't do that." I whispered in horror, because that would be disastrous.

"Yes, I need to, I can't have you doing this to yourself. It's _wrong_, Zexy." The anger was seeping away to be replaced by sadness and he pressed a firm and tender kiss onto my forehead. "We'll be slow. I just need to help you, I need to know all of this."

It made sense, but I didn't like the idea at all. I didn't want him to see my body. His fingers danced down over my shoulders that were still bare from our very near sexual experience. I wished we had just stayed to making out. I wish he never found out what I had done. His sun kissed skin stood out against my own complexion and I kept his eyes locked onto mine. His hands traced all down my arms and softly pressed into my back, stroking it comfortingly as he pulled me into a gentle hug once more. My heart was pounding and my breathing was barely staying normal. He pulled back from the hug and kissed one of my temples before his eyes trailed over my stomach. Demyx's fingers pressed into my chest and eased me back into the pillows.

"Please, Demyx, you've already seen them, there aren't anymore. I swear that to you, there are no more. Please don't look at me."

"Zexy, oh Zexy," he cooed and shushed me with feather light kisses to my forehead and a stable hug to my unresponsive torso.

"Please don't do this to me. I don't want you to see all of the scars, I look disgusting, please, just don't do this to me." I felt hysterical but sounded almost all together.

"Zexy, I don't think you're disgusting, so stop thinking that you are. You are my Zexion and I would never be disgusted by you, I love you. I love you so much and will never ever think badly of you." He professed in gentle tones that were pressed up against my cheek. I chewed on my bottom lip and nodded a little, accepting the affirmations but I couldn't believe them. He sat up again and I looked at him slowly.

"Will you undo your pants? I would but… I don't think you want me to." In response I curled into a ball.

"Please, Demyx, not now, maybe later." My eyes were closed and my face turned from him but I could imagine the look on his face.

"Fine, give me all of your razors." He growled and I flinched from the anger in his voice but retrieved them all after we both got off of my bed, and then he walked away. He left me alone with nothing to settle the disorder in my mind.

It was hours before he came back and when he did return I was fading in and out of sleep. I had been lying in bed for at least three hours and had barely changed positions. The blankets were brought up over my shoulders and my head peeked out on the pillow. He didn't turn the light on that I had turned off. He flicked on a small desk lamp that threw little light into the room.

"Dem?" I asked quietly before shifting sleepily and crawling out of bed, in his boxers and nothing else. They were a little ill fitting but they were an old pair so they were not as big as his other ones. He nodded while sifting through his stuff and otherwise ignoring me. "You… do you want to…" I fidgeted, while my toes curled and uncurled and my knees rubbed together as I shifted my weight a few times. My eyes shifted around and my heart tried to jump from my mouth to it's death on the perilous floor. The guitarist turned to me finally.

"What?" He asked though I was fairly sure he knew what I was going to say, but I was also pretty confident that he just wanted me to say it.

"Do you want to look?" It was feeble and I couldn't even look at him when I spoke, but he didn't seem to care because he was kissing my hair a moment later while he held me to his strong chest. He nodded and guided me to his bed this time since it was closer. I laid down slowly and tried to ignore the prickling of fear in my gut. What if he rejected me? His fingers were on the waistband of the boxers I was wearing and I could only watch him as his eyes rested on my nearly bare body in front of him. He had seen the scars on my arms plenty of times and I was not worried about them. I didn't like them but they were not fresh and the ones on my legs were not as neat. It was also a problem that I was suddenly very self conscious of my lower body. What if it wasn't enough for him anymore? What if I was smaller in this life than the last?

His warm hands covered my skin inch by inch, down over the ugly cuts on my hips and over the tops of my thighs. He didn't remove the boxers at all. His hands vanished from my body for a moment before they stroked the insides of my thighs carefully and moved over the outsides to feel if there were cuts there or not. I felt the relief swell over my entire body as he kissed my forehead. I was not ready for the sudden movement of the boxers moving back so the cuts were exposed, and my lover's hand on my chest holding me down when I jumped from the surprise.

"Relax," he commanded gently before his lips were pressed on mine. I fidgeted with his hands and tried to push the one on my boxers away. I really did not want him to see again.. He ignored the resistance and I was vaguely reminded of Sunny one time doing something akin to making me show him my cuts. Demyx moved away from my lips though and caringly pressed one kiss onto the cuts. It made me freeze a little, emotion surged blindly and too quickly for me to actually feel much for more than a fraction of a second. His eyes locked with mine from his perch just above the slices and all I could do was hold back tears that threatened to spill.

"Thank you," he nodded in response and crawled up to my face. He kissed me again and relaxed against my side.

"I just want you to be safe and happy." He spoke in a delicate tone that betrayed an unyielding worry. I didn't know what to say, so I simply ran my hands through his wheat colored hair. He curled closer and I felt like I was suffocating from the guilt. "This scares me." His speaking was detached like he was simply voicing random thoughts that passed through his mind. "I could do it to myself."

"Do what?" I asked, the statement caught me off-guard and the initial implication was unnerving.

"I could cut myself." He mumbled into my shoulder, confirming my first assumption.

"No you couldn't." I shook my head and scoffed at the idea, not because I was challenging him or because I thought it was funny, but because the idea was horrifying and unreal.

"Of course I could. It'd be really easy to do, you should know that." He shook his head and laughed somewhat bitterly. I was floored because I had never heard him say anything like that and I didn't want to hear it again. This was Demyx we were talking about, and Demyx is not the type of person who does that, he is not the kind of person who would make idle threats either.

"I don't want you to." I replied numbly, because for the life of me I could not fathom where this was coming from.

"I don't want you to either, but you've never cared. What makes this any different?" He was sitting when he spoke the last time, his eyes were fastened onto me in anger. I had never seen him so angry before…

"You're… You're Demyx, that's what's different." I stood my ground and ground my teeth together. He would have to understand. He would have to, otherwise nothing was going to be right between us. I refused to admit that I was wrong.

"What makes me so different from you? What makes me so much better? Nothing, Zexion, nothing makes me better. You don't have any _good_ reasons for me not to, so why shouldn't I do it right here, for you to watch? Why shouldn't I hurt you like you hurt me _every single time_ you cut yourself?" He was shouting by the end and his hands flailed violently.

"It's different!"

"No, it's not different! There is no difference! I _love_ you, Zexion, why the hell are you making me watch you do this to yourself? What the fuck did I do wrong? I thought we were happy! I thought you were happy!" He stood, his hands in his hair, and his eyes were filled with tears that wouldn't spill." I fucking can't do anything right for you! I fucking fail at everything, because I'm all wrong! Wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong for you! I wish things were different. I _wish_ I could help you, but you don't want me. You've _never_ wanted me!" He was pacing while he spoke, and his hair was in a state of disarray from his yanking and pulling. It shot me through the heart to watch him, not even taking into account the horrible lies he was saying. My anger evaporated and instead, I was filled with a deep pity and guilt. It was my fault he felt like that because I always pushed him away when he was getting too close. I had treated him poorly and I had not been the person I should have been for him. I never knew he felt like that because I never bothered to ask him what he was thinking or feeling when it came to me. I assumed he offered everything to me since he declared his feelings to fluently on a regular basis. He punched the wall and curled his body towards the white surface, I wanted to hold him and tell him that everything would be okay. He was crying, his breathing was erratic and labored and yet he made no other sounds.

"Demyx, you're wrong." I timidly whispered into the near-silence. I was afraid of his reaction but I neared his shaking frame and went to lay a hand on his shoulder but he turned sharply. His eyes were red rimmed but his face was dry and full of frustration and sadness.

"How the _fuck_ am I wrong? It's been months, Zexion, _months_ and you're not happy. If I can't make you happy then I'm wrong. I'm all fucking wrong and you should go find someone better!" He yelled again before forcing his lips together in a thin line to stop the way his voice was cracking.

"I don't want anyone else, really, I was happy, I am happy. It was a mistake, Dem, and it hasn't happened in months. I let one thing affect me too much, you're wonderful and I love you, I really do. You're not wrong for me. Please don't feel like that. You've done so much for me." All through my small speech his lips quivered and his nose twitched a little, he fidgeted and blinked rapidly. "You can cry, God knows I do it all the time." I prodded gently with an unsure and nervous smile. Finally I got up the courage and reached out a hand to rest it on his upper arm. He still would not cry though. He wept silently with only two or three tears yet he would not allow others to slip from between his lids. He refused the breakdown that was looming over his gently quivering frame.

"I don't know, Zexy." He said softly, before he moved forward and leaned against me with his chin on my head and his arms wrapped steadily around me. I was relieved to hear the nickname and found myself hugging him joyously for the small victory.

"I'm sorry I've done this, I'll work on everything. It'll all be okay again. Do you believe me?" My voice was measured, just enough concern, yet plenty of logic to it as well. He needed to believe me. He nodded against me and I sighed in relief. "Thank you, I'll prove it to you, I'll prove that I'm getting better and that I'm happy." He nodded some more and held on tighter.

? ? ? ? ?

Axel was watching us quizzically because Demyx had his head rested upon my shoulder and my arm was propped against his chest and the table so I could twist my hand a little and run my fingers through the short strands of his mullet. It was not uncommon to see Demyx and I close like that, but it was very rare that it happened so openly in public. The pyro was a good enough friend to know something had happened. Demyx was not himself and I was not acting totally in character either. I kept turning my head every so often to smell my love's hair and kiss the top of his head, I'd sometimes just close my eyes and lean the side of my head against his and my hair would fall over his nose. He would blow it away and we would both smile mildly.

I had finished my breakfast and was waiting for Demyx to find the initiative to eat his as well. I prodded his side gently and kissed his ear when he lifted his head a small bit. His eyes were so blue I felt like they were what Poseidon would have for an eye color.

"Finish breakfast, okay?" I asked softly and his demure nod was all I got in response before he softly and slowly kissed my lips. He was so warm and he smelt like rain in the forest. Axel snorted a little and laughed at the way I was watching Demyx, as if I had never seen the boy before. I ignored the ginger though and just brushed Demyx's blonde hair from his face. "Eat."

When we got back to our rooms, Axel insisted on staying. Demyx sat down in bed and looked vaguely at the guitar on the floor, until that is, I poked his chest and he pulled me onto his lap. He smiled and nuzzled his face into my neck so I could no longer see him.

"What happened, you guys are acting weird?" Axel commented before he reclined on my freshly made bed.

"Nothing much," Demyx replied from within my hair.

"I'm not dumb, got it memorized?" The other snapped ad I had to sigh in response to that.

"I relapsed, not badly, but I did three days ago. Demyx found out last night."

"Found out?"

"Yes, Axel, 'found out'. I had forgotten they were there and..." The pyro nodded, signifying that he understood that Demyx had seen and not been told. More importantly that he had seen by accident. I turned my face away and leaned further against the boy under me.

"I had hoped you would have trusted us enough by now to ask for help." The elder's voice was filled with incense and distrust. I sighed inwardly and turned my gaze back to Axel while Demyx hugged me tighter and stroked one of my arms.

"You and Demyx were busy and I did it without thinking, I didn't consider anything except the quick fix that I wanted. I didn't think past the moment and you shouldn't be mad at me. I said my apologies, I'm starting again and you know I've done well. I messed up, but it won't happen again." I shot back at him and Demyx kissed the nape of my neck.

"I'm proud," the redhead said suddenly and the look on my face must have warranted no explanation, also Demyx moved so I imagined he looked just as bewildered. "You defended yourself, it means you're really committed. You always defended what you truly believed. You're an open book." He smiled and stretched like a feline, before he curled down into my pillows and yawned. "I need a nap."

"You just woke up an hour or two ago." I complained with a creeping smirk. I felt better now that I had reaffirmed my place between Axel and Demyx.

"Exactly, I should be asleep again." He mumbled into the feathery comfort.

"If you droll on my pillow I'm going to set Demyx on caffeine after you." I stated mildly but had to resist a smile as I tried to make the threat seem plausible. Axel faked a shiver and rolled over.

"You'll have to deal with him too and knowing him, you won't walk away without a thousand kisses and ten thousand strangling hugs." He yawned again and stretched once more before our conversation died and I relaxed against Demyx.

We left the room with our keys and let Axel sleep because he really deserved the time to himself to relax. It seemed like he had been having problems recently due to everyone around him being in a couple with the ones they adored except for him and Roxas. The blonde was very resistant to the pyro's advances but he seemed to be just as interested as the redhead was. I didn't understand what the problem was.

My guitarist sat me down once I expressed the concern and he told me exactly why they were not together. Roxas had been Sora's clone, but he bore his own heart which was taken but left him with the hollowed out personality and cold disposition he had always had as a person. Once someone made it into his heart he was full of warmth but that took a very long while. Axel had made it there, he had strived and courted the blonde for years before Demyx and I had ever met but progress had always been slow. Once they reached the peak of their relationship where Roxas began to truly open up to Axel, the clone left the pyro. He misinterpreted a scene between Axel and Demyx, assuming Axel had been cheating on him and therefore he was abandoned. The redhead was given no chance to explain and Roxas lost all trust for him. The blonde and he had always fought but nothing like they did after they broke up. Several physical confrontations were subsequent to the initial verbal lashing out and Roxas ended up in the hospital with a few broken ribs and many burns. It furthered their distances. Axel did not walk away clean of injuries but his were not as extensive. He was stronger than Roxas and the blonde boy was frail to say the least. Axel had not meant to hurt him, but what did that matter when you boiled it all down?

"So Roxas is holding a grudge from our past life?" I asked with a perplexed and slightly pissed off look. I didn't understand how that could be possible. It made no real sense to me…

"Yeah, pretty much. I know it's dumb but Roxas has always been kind of a chick." He laughed and tapped a few more buttons on the controllers. No one was in the recreational rooms because it was before ten in the morning so Demyx and I were free to play a video game or two in private. He was kicking my ass in the battle simulator. My attention was split but I doubted that was the only reason, I simply would not admit he was better at it though. His ego would soar.

"Do you think he would listen to me?" I asked softly and looked sideways at my boyfriend who was focused intently on the television. He landed a few extra attacks on my character while I was distracted and the game control shook in my hands. I jumped a little and pushed myself to pay attention to the game once more but I had already died.

"Maybe, Roxas always listened to you when it came to Axel, you never listened to him when it came to me." My guitarist stuck his tongue out and ruffled my hair before kissing my nose. "You suck at video games."

"I was barely paying attention!" I complained and made a pouting face which received a kiss.

"Sure, sure." He laughed and pulled me away from the couch and into his lap. The next round started and I struggled to beat the elder at the game, but the character I was playing could barely get a punch in edgewise. I obviously failed at hand to hand combat games.

A trail of though played in my mind and I wondered about what Demyx meant. Did I really never listen to Roxas about Demyx in our past life? That seemed odd to me because Roxas had apparently been a very good friend of mine. I knew why I liked him, he enjoyed logic and was interesting enough, why wouldn't I believe someone who was so logical? Despite the fact that Roxas seemed irrationally moody when it came to Axel.

/ / /

"Zexion, why do you hate Demyx so much?" Roxas asked out of nowhere one day while sifting through battle technique books in the library with me.

"He's annoying."

"Why does he annoy you?"

"He acts like he has all of these emotions, he's trying to be something he is not, he's just holding me back and he's rude." I said mildly and refused to remove my focus from the book.

"So you hate Demyx for those things?" The blonde inquired while he stood.

"Yes, Roxas, don't be stupid."

"You're sure you _hate_ him?" He pressured again, which made me look up at him and sigh.

"Yes, Roxas, really, use your brain." I growled and he just shook his head at me.

"Hate is an emotion Zexion." I snorted in distaste and left him alone.

/ / /

The memory was sharp and vivid like they always had been but it also lost me the next round. Demyx laughed over my shoulder and kissed my earlobe gently.

"I'm whopping your ass, Zexy-boo." He cooed and nuzzled his nose into the skin just behind my ear on the side of my head where my hair was pulled back further. I thought of how wonderful and cozy he made me feel. It was like he was a ball of sunshine meant to warm my skin and heat up my innards to the point that my whole body started to tingle and react to his touch. While I thought about my body responding to his touch, I became very aware of his arms around my waist and the controller on my lap that meant his hands were there too. His fingertips were so close to touching the skin on my thighs it was almost like he was teasing me. I knew it was simply my own mind getting carried away with the situation though…

/ / /

"How the hell do you do that?" I growled at him and dug my fingers into the bare skin of his hips bones. It was rare that I took control and was dominant, but it did happen on occasion.

"Do what, Zex?" He fake moaned and sucked his bottom lip into his mouth before arching his back and fidgeting in a feminine way. He was on the carpet and his hair looked like golden hay pieces drifting from his scalp, but my attention was on the way his hands drifted over his own golden torso. His hair was getting longer than normal and he needed a hair cut, but I didn't mind because he was always gorgeous, it just gave me something to hold onto... I watched the way he released his lip finally after gently grinding it between his teeth and bucking his hips into mine again. He looked innocent and unsure of himself but I knew he was only acting, we had fooled around plenty of times for me to tell when he was just being a tease and when he was going to deliver. His lip was swollen and moist with his warm saliva still while his eyes glittered with a challenge and he couldn't resist giving me a devilish smirk when he saw my resolve evaporating. I wanted him so badly… I stole a kiss so suddenly he could not move to avert the affection and he did not deny me once I captured his ridiculous pouting lips. The kiss was violent and needy just as the emotions were that tore through my body as he rocked our hips together and nudged against my needy appendage.

"Zex, need I remind you that we have guests coming?" He smirked when I pulled back and attached my mouth to his neck where I proceeded to string kisses onto his shoulder with an occasional bite or suck upon the skin.

"This is your fucking fault for walking out of your room stark fucking naked and teasing me." I growled once more and wrapped my hand around his firm arousal as punctuation. A gasp emitted from his lungs and I felt satisfied at the small quiver his lips gave. "Go get dressed, like you said, we have guests," I almost purred while gently stroking his length and letting the tip rub against my wrist. He was dripping pre-cum onto my skin and I only responded by getting off of him and licking my palm and fingers while he watched.

"We can call and ask them to show up like an hour or two later!" He called after me while I walked away. The blonde had scampered into a standing position with his manhood hanging erect for all to see. I didn't mind and blatantly looked him up and down.

"No, I think I'm just going to shower… and, think of you." I chuckled and left him alone to mull over the implication and how he should _not_ tease his boyfriend. I would always win that fight.

/ / /

Demyx was watching me from the side when I snapped back to reality and noticed that I had lost completely once again. I was not surprised about that though.

"Welcome back!" The blonde chirped and laughed happily in return to my stare.

"Sorry about that," I mumbled in return and looked over the features of his face. I was focused more and more on his body against mine, the fresh scent of the air after a thunderstorm at sea and the full color of his lips. My face was scarlet red when I replayed parts of the memory again in my head…

"Don't be sorry, how is that blatant stare at my lips going for you?" Her asked with a smile and I rushed to meet his gaze once more. "I take it that one was nice?" He pressured gently and nudged his face towards mine so that I could taste his breath on my lips.

"Um.. Yeah," I began slowly but found his mouth brushed up against mine before I could finish the thought. It was a timid and soft kiss just like all of our other actions had been since we both calmed down after the small fight. He hesitated and let me push forward to deepen the kiss. His mouth was warmer than his hands and I could barely taste him as we shared many open mouth, tongue-less kisses. My senses were filled with so many different things and I loved it. The feel of the scratchy couch as it rubbed on my elbow when I moved, the heat Demyx's body threw off, his scent, the feel of his antenna-like strands of hair on my cheeks, the sounds our lips made, the erratic patterns of my heart and the unromantic sounds from the game all moved in together to make a scene straight out of a cliché movie. I had never had anyone come close to making me feel like Demyx did and I had never been so afraid to lose someone like I was for Demyx.

"I love you." I blurted out suddenly in the midst of one especially long kiss. Demyx looked started for only a second before he smiled and kissed my nose.

"I love you too, silly. I was enjoying kissing you though, you know." He stuck his tongue out and laughed. I felt jittery and attacked his laughing mouth with my own smiling one. He was startled once more but quickly melted into the kissing, before I ceased the opportunity to slip my tongue across the surface of his own. Demyx responded immediately and with his response he brushed one of his hands through my hair and held onto me like that with the other hand was on my waist. I had made out with Sunny, Damian and Seth before, but they had never caused such a light feeling inside of me to spring forth and take me over in a set of emotions that just made me want to roll over with giggles while at the same time urged me to run my hands over every part of the sweet guitarist's body.

We kept up like that for a while before we could hear movement outside of the room and pulled away reluctantly to assure that no one would walk in on us. I could not breathe properly though and my thoughts were scattered, the only few things I could really focus on with some success was Demyx and the way my body was heavy with lust but feather-light with happiness. We played one more round of the video game but both decided it was pointless when Demyx won more easily than before because I did not even try. When we walked from the room his cheeks were still flushed pink and his lips were a little bit swollen. They were cherry red and damp still.

"You're staring again." He chided and pulled me towards our room where Axel was still asleep on my bed. When we flicked the lights on the other moaned and rolled around for a few moments before he shot straight up and looked at us.

"I completely forgot!" He yelled so randomly that I jumped a mile.

"Forgot what?" My guitarist asked with more energy than I had.

"I told Riku I'd help him set up a party for Roxas and Sora! Tomorrow is their birthday!" He said while tripping over himself to get out of the bed and straighten his clothing out. "I have to find Roxas to distract him, do I look alright?" He asked with genuine concern. I nodded and Demyx gave him two thumbs up, but Axel looked saddened. "Do I look good enough to impress him?" He inquired in a much lower tone that betrayed just how afraid of the rejection he was.

"Axel, you look damn sexy, now go get that boy!" Demyx laughed loudly and made a grand gesture to the door. Axel perked up instantly and jumped to the door.

"Thanks Dem-Dem!" He waved enthusiastically and was gone. I felt like I had just witnessed something with far too much fervor to be outside of a movie. After a few moments of steady contemplation we decided to go and help out with the party planning because we would of course be invited. We couldn't just let our friends plan a party without us! So we set off to find Riku or Axel and tag along once they had managed to secure Roxas and Sora were busy doing other things. We walked first towards the courtyard where Roxas and Axel were arguing close to the entrance. I looked at Demyx and held up a finger to signify him to be quiet.

"No, _Axel_, I think you're wrong! Something is happening and we don't have _time_ to play silly games. You've wasted enough of my time as it is. Didn't you notice the weird way Demyx kept looking at everything and reacting to things? They did something to him after he went to that lab! Have you seen the way Riku has been breaking things left and right? Did you realize you have a lab on Monday, two days from now, Sora and I have one Wednesday and Zexion has one on Friday? Something is _happening to us_ you idiot!" Roxas was hissing at the pyro and even though we could not see anything, we could guess from his tone and the swish of clothing that he was making grand gestures and looking very flustered.

"Roxas, that's a very convincing argument but I don't understand what it has to do with anything right now." Axel said mildly before sighing. "I just need you to stay out of your room for a little while."

"Why? Are you going to start smelling my boxers or something like a creep?" The blonde sniped at Axel and received a dejected sigh in return.

"No, you'll see, it's nice, just give me a chance, please, Roxy." He mumbled without passion in his voice.

"Fine, don't expect me to talk to you again. Here's the key, give me yours." The short boy paused and there was some shuffling before he spoke again. "Thank you, good bye." Roxas growled before he stormed out of the room and caught sight of us. "What are you two looking at?" He screamed at the top of his lungs with his cheeks a vibrant red color and his hands flung into the air.

"We were just looking for Axel, is-is he in there?" Demyx asked stupidly and pointed towards the door, and I almost sighed in relief because Demyx playing stupid meant we could say we had just come along and heard the last bit. Roxas seemed to calm down a little bit and he smoothed his fingers through his hair which only fluffed back into the crazy angles it was in.

"Yeah, I'm here." Axel mumbled while he wandered through the door with a deject look on his face. I wanted to slap Roxas in the face and tell him to wise up but I knew that's what everyone probably wanted to do with me when I was being an asshole to Demyx. The pyro stood by us and Roxas muttered a goodbye to us all and left before Demyx and I looked at each other and then Axel.

"I guess we should find Riku." He declared with exuberance I was sure was faked. Demyx and I didn't say anything about it though and only followed him to Roxas and Sora's room where Riku was already waiting with two large black trash bags perched in the center of the neat room. The bags were overflowing with streamers, tinsel and other assorted flamboyant decorating materials. I still didn't like Riku and I got the feeling that he didn't exactly like me, but we were civil and we sure as hell didn't hate each other. We simply were not good friends, despite that I was really looking forward to spending the rest of the day decorating with him, Demyx and Axel.

"Ready?" He smiled at all of us and betrayed how excited he was while leading us inside and locking the door. Demyx _giggled_ in anticipation and I smiled at my lover while Axel seemed to actually perk up at the idea.

! ! ! ! !

A/N: HI HI HI GUYS! Alright so this took me a really long time to write because of my sleep schedule getting ALL messed up again and me not being used to it ect ect ect and it was a long time in the making because of personal problems and just the fact that the beginning was not something I was looking forward to writing but knew I really wanted to write it. This has been the longest chapter in a while and you should get used to it. I have the rest of the series planned out already. I also have a very very very long chapter that is on it's way. It's 29 pages so far (not double spaced) and it is barely even half done. So watch out for that one! I'm going to go rest now and do laundry and clean because I wouldn't let myself (my room isn't that dirty but I'm starting to be a neat freak) until I finished this. HAPPY LATE BIRTHDAY FRANKIERORULES! I have to google who Frank Iero really is… on your face book wall someone wished you a Happy Birthday saying hahaha. I apologize to the people I have not yet replied to their messages from! I will! I'm just… not allowed to answer many emails until I write more chapters for my other things… . I LOVE YOU ALL! PLEASE REVIEW AND STUFF!


End file.
